News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™ Joy, Love, and Peace for 2018 
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Speaking Up September 2018
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Kind words about this newsletter...
Jude, just wanted to tell you how much your book has helped me. The insights you have are uncanny. And the solutions really work.
And this one about last month's issue on Addictions: This is a particularly great newsletter!
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and take the free survey to identify what's standing between you and more joy, love, and peace.
Attitude Reconstruction
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"Sorry Vince, but we need a leader who has both feet on the ground."
"Sorry I'm late. I got caught up at home being happy."
"Help! I've fallen into obscurity and I can't get up!"
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Greetings dear ones,
One of my all time favorite movies is "All the President's Men." A few days ago I watched "All the President's Men Revisited." This Robert Redford movie, sponsored by CNN, first aired in 2013. I was blown away by how prescient it was for what is unfolding today and what Redford's conclusion was. It's a reminder about what happened in the Nixon era and lays out the current parallels. I would highly recommend you check it out on Netflix, Amazon Prime, or watch for it replaying on television. Must see!
This month's theme of speaking up seems particularly relevant today. If you follow American politics at all you'll know that, a woman, Christine Ford, has come forward to accuse Supreme Court nominee Bret Kavanaugh of sexual assault. Sometimes it takes courage to do and say what your intuition directs you to do. I'm rooting for her!
These car photos, featured in this month's newsletter, were taken by Amanda Palmer. Trinidad, Colorado was having it's annual parade and she snapped these fine pictures. Check out her website at
WanderArtist.com
Read below about Attitude Reconstruction's take on how to speak up effectively, but first...
A Few Articles and Stuff of Interest
In case you missed it, I've got to start by showing you this fab pic of Paul and John's offspring.
This article explains how a graduate student was denied a Noble prize in 1974 and how finally justice was served.
Here's the low-down about yearly gun deaths, showing that the USA is the number one country!
Videos Guaranteed to Bring a Smile!
Hundreds of dolphins swimming in a superpod along the California coast.
 All cartoons "borrowed" from the Cartoonbank.
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The Art of Speaking Up
Both men and women have to learn to speak up in order to take charge of their lives and cultivate meaningful relationships! This applies to school, work, business, family, and social events.
Mostly we use the same reasons for not speaking up, such as:
- I don't want to rock the boat - I want to keep the status quo
- I don't want others to have any emotions - be upset, scared, hurt, mad
- I don't want to hear what they have to say because I'm angry and when I'm angry, I'm convinced that my way is clearly the correct way
- I want to avoid conflict at all cost
- I don't want to be judged
But we pay a high price for stuffing it - by going silent, stonewalling, sulking, and withdrawing. We find ourselves at the mercy of the moods and bad behavior of others. In addition, and more importantly, we lose our joy, love, and peace -- the cornerstones of Attitude Reconstruction.
Where's my joy? Lost because I failed to honor myself by speaking up. I'm unhappy because I've sacrificed speaking my truth.
Where's my love? Instead of feeling connected and being part of the collective energy flow, I'm a million miles away. I feel isolated and different.
Where's my peace? This moment doesn't feel safe. I'm feeling anxious and defensive.
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 An Example
Here's a good example that illustrates the prescription I'm offering for how to speak up successfully. During a session recently, a wife was sitting on the couch with her husband. She was trying to share her health concerns with him. At her first pause, he started giving her his recommendations for a cure.
I leaned forward and said to her: "And when he's giving you his opinion, and that's the last thing in the world you want, with the sweetest most loving voice you can muster, say 'Honey, I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now."
I continued to coach her by telling her that the key is to say it lightly and repeatedly until he stops and refocuses on what she is saying.
And what did the gal on the couch say after all that? "That would be new for me!" At an early age she'd learned to cope by going into her "serious brooding" mode and distancing herself. Her husband shared that he hated it when she did that.
"Let me just charge it for another ten seconds."
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Five Tips for How to Speak Up Effectively
- Speaking up doesn't mean you get to hold onto the microphone and talk for as long as you want. Good communication and feeling connected has got to be shared fifty-fifty. Half the time, speak about yourself. The other half, listen lovingly to understand what the other is saying.
- Talk about yourself and what's going on for you. This isn't "listen to me while I tell you about you." For both or all people involved, the focus is you sharing about yourself. That's how feelings of closeness arise. Conversely, when we give others unsolicited advice, we're traipsing around in someone else's territory without permission. This sets the stage for wars and animosity.
- If someone interrupts you after you've stated you just want to be listened to (old habits die slowly), gently but firmly remind them that this is the time for them to just listen. Don't acquiesce and let them continue or you'll send the message that you don't mean what you say.
- If your listener reacts with intense anger, simply say that this doesn't seem like a good time for you to share, so you'll revisit your topic at a more neutral time. It's hard to get good reception when someone is not open to hearing, so change the topic but remember you'll need to speak up sometime so as not to sacrifice your well-being.
- When you've finished what you want to say, you can solicit impressions, feelings, suggestions, or feedback, IF (and only if) you want them.
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The Benefits of Speaking Up
The biggest benefit is that we no longer feel like a victim and take personal responsibility for creating the quality of life we desire.
What we all really want in our social relationships, especially with family members, is to feel good about ourselves, to feel connected/share/feel part of a team, and know we're safe in our own little tribe.
I call these innate desires the Ultimate Attitudes. One attitude is associated with each of the three emotions -- joy, love, and peace. When we experience joy, we know that we are worthy no matter what. When feeling love, we know that we are all the same and accept our differences. And when feeling peace, we feel unshakably calm and rooted in our true essence. These are the three ultimate attitudes.
When the other person has coaxed you to talk or you finally speak up about something you know you've been avoiding, more joy, love, and peace await.
We all just want to be understood, aka listened to - to be seen for "us" as a worthy being. As scary as it can seem at first, I guarantee that speaking up will bring copious rewards and breakthrough moments. Be bold and give it a try. You will be more authentic and your relationships will deepen. You will find out who is on your side.
Here are your magic words to set the stage for you to speak up without interference:
"I just want to be listened to for a few minutes right now."
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My teenager is struggling and unhappy but when I try to give her advice, she shuts down and retreats to her room. I'm just trying to help her be happier.
If your son or daughter isn't ready for or doesn't want feedback, it's counterproductive to offer it. Speaking up means talk about yourself! Don't share your insights unless you ask and receive permission first. If your teenager declines, let your pearls of wisdom go and accept that she is responsible for her own happiness. Refocus on being content yourself and remember to appreciate all the things you like about her and what she does well.
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I'm sending you best wishes for an uneventful, yet satisfying, coming month.
Thanks for reading this newsletter. If you have any feedback, suggestions about a newsletter theme, or general comments, I enjoy hearing from you, so feel free to write me at:
[email protected]
With love,
Jude
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