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'And' there is opportunity to be found.
It seems like these days we’re going through layers and layers of stress and turmoil. Pandemic, culture wars, environmental strain and so much more.
Anxiety can put us into a binary mode of thinking. Issues seem black and white. Good or bad. Optimistic or pessimistic.
This way of thinking is neither accurate to how the world really is, nor is it helpful if we want to bounce back and move forward.
Want a quick way to rise above binary thinking?
‘Yes, and’
Twenty-five years ago, I was introduced to the ‘Yes, and’ principle through improv comedy.
It was life-changing!
Not only did I become funnier, using ‘Yes, and’ also helped with my career, personal life and even my overall emotional health.
Using the ‘Yes, and…’ principle is relatively simple, but has powerful effects.
Step 1) Say ‘Yes’ to whatever comes up.
How do improv troupes keep a show flowing seamlessly? Why does it seem like there are no mistakes, even though there’s no script? It’s because in their minds, there ARE NO MISTAKES.
Anything anyone says or does, no matter how outlandish, disruptive, or seemingly un-funny, is material to work from.
Rather than resist what happens, a good improver accepts that it happened. In fact, they affirm it. Even if there’s a “mess up” they immediately try to find a golden opportunity that wouldn’t have been there otherwise.
As on stage, so in life!
When we resist or reject the reality of a situation, we create internal stress.
Conversely, when we accept the situation—even if it brings up discomfort—we are able to reduce stress and move forward toward solutions (the biggest stress relief of all).
Step 2) ‘And’ now …
After we accept the reality of a situation, we don’t just stop there. We then figure out how to move forward.
The ‘And’ step of ‘Yes, and’ thinking is about finding solutions.
If someone comes to me with enthusiasm about a bad idea, I might say YES! to their enthusiasm, and ask how we can redirect it into something that will become a great idea.
For example: A company I consulted for was about to announce its’ new IPO and my partner and I had both signed nondisclosure agreements, which if we broke, would likely land us in jail.
In his enthusiasm, perhaps my partner forgot what we’d just signed and suggested excitedly, that we should tell our other clients about this amazing idea to inspire them.
I took a deep breath.
Then I said, “Hey, I love your creativity. How do we do that legally?”
I imagined he’d go off to think and realize there was no way to do it. And I was proud of myself for not killing his idea myself.
He came back to me a while later with a way to do it legally! Change all identifiable information so we could use the example without releasing any information.
In my fear of breaching our contract, I couldn’t think of a way to do it. I only saw a binary choice: Do it and go to jail, or don’t do it. But because I didn’t shut him down, he found a solution that worked.
The ‘Yes, and…’ mindset doesn’t just work at work.
Several months after attending one of my workshops, a man excitedly told me the ‘Yes, and’ principle was transforming his relationship with his daughter.
He was constantly saying “no” to his daughter. His daughter, who was 2 years old, was furious and fought him multiple times a day.
After my workshop, instead of saying “no” he would say things like this to her, “YES, of course you can have a cookie. AND you can have it after dinner.”
There are two important caveats to all this.
Don’t just say ‘Yes’ and be inauthentically optimistic. We must face hard truths in life and people want to feel heard.
If you only look for the good, you won’t acknowledge the real fear, sadness, or anger that people are experiencing in the moment.
If we deny the problems entirely, we can end up with something called “toxic positivity”, and we don’t adapt to challenges enough.
Don’t skip to the solution!
If you skip step 1 (the ‘Yes’) and go straight to ‘And...’, searching for a positive solution, you also might leave people feeling unheard and unseen.
Empathizing with the feelings they’re expressing helps them to know you are on their side.
That’s because people are far more likely to be defensive and believe you don’t care about them if you don’t first authentically affirm something about them.
The goal is to acknowledge and accept the reality of a situation, and then move on to a solution.
Conclusion
If you’re butting heads with your child or your colleague…
If you’re stressed about the pandemic or the culture wars…
If things are changing at your company or in your position…
‘Yes, and’ thinking can help rise above binary thinking into creative connection.
With ‘Yes, and’ you will reduce stress, build rapport and collaboratively create new solutions.
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