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One Christmas Eve I had a show at a club called the Rams Head in Annapolis, Maryland. Annapolis is a bayside Colonial town, right on the Chesapeake Bay. It's my mom's hometown; Oscar's house was not far away.
Oscar had booked a bunch of tables, front and center, for the Slim Christmas Eve Show. The whole family was gonna come.
I was at Oscar's house, getting ready to leave for the show that night when all of a sudden...
Everyone started getting sick. Violently ill. Almost everybody in the house was suddenly under severe and violent gastro-intestinal distress.
One minute, someone would be perfectly fine, and then suddenly, the attack would occur. People were trotting around in a panic. Folks were banging on the bathroom doors--from the inside and out!
I had to leave for the concert. As I left, one of the Slim Family was laying on a rug outside the bathroom door, doubled up and moaning.
Merry Christmas! Gotta go. Love you!
I drove to the Rams Head. I'd invited a date to the show and I gotta say, the Christmas Eve concert that night went well.
So did the date. None of the Slim Fam showed up, but lots of other Slim People came out.
After the show, the two of us went back to Oscar's house. I thought maybe I'd introduce her to the Slim Kin as they opened presents during our midnight madness.
But the house was quiet as could be. All the lights were off. Everybody had gone to bed, probably exhausted from trotting to and from the bathrooms! The living room was empty, but the fire was still glowing in the fireplace.
I stoked the fire, so to speak, and Slim Date and I sat on the couch in front of the crackling logs. The Christmas tree was twinkling in the corner of the room.
After a few minutes, I grabbed a couple pillows and a blanket from the couch and we laid down on the rug in front of the fire. I put the blanket over us; it was very snuggly.
Things started heating up, and some outer layers of clothes were shed to ward off heat prostration. The house was dead silent, everyone was sleeping, and it was kinda romantic.
"Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."
That's when the creatures started stirring. And boy, did they stir.
My dad came out his bedroom and sat on the couch, just a few feet away from us. He turned on the huge TV, which was right next to the fireplace.
My dad is deaf, duro d'orecchio, and the sound was so loud you could hear it across the bay. The volume was deafening and startling; my dad, of course, had no idea.
My cousin's extremely large Rottweiler started barking furiously, and came bounding down the stairs, heading right for me and Girly-Girl. I pulled the blanket over our heads and whispered in her ear, "Pretend you're dead!"
I really did say that.
The dog came over and sniffed. Someone came down the stairs and let the dog out. Some other Slim Family members started wandering out of their bedrooms, wondering what all the commotion was about.
Slim Gal and I were under the blanket, trying not to move and not to laugh. Of course, no one would have heard anything over the blaring TV, anyway.
My dad's wife started screaming, "Phil. Phil! PHIL!!!"
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