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Realizations and Thanks
Growing up is a process of realization. Realizing girls aren't really icky. Realizing that you've grown a foot over the summer and have fuzz on your face that needs shaved off. Realizing that you'll probably never be President. Realizing that you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. There are lots of realizations-some good, some not-in each of our lives.
Only as an adult do we realize things about our parents. How full their plate was. What they did right that we took for granted. What we hope to do better as parents to our own kids. How we were sheltered from their adult responsibilities, so that we could grow up unburdened - just being a kid as long as we could.
So, I want to talk of some realizations about my now-deceased parents. Not on Mother's Day or Father's Day, but somewhere in between since I, and all of us, are the product of both folks.
Until I left home, I thought every Mom got up to have breakfast and coffee with their kids, even when I was old enough to fix myself breakfast and head out the door. Now I realize it was the perfect time for Mom and me to visit. Just us and a pot of coffee, as the eggs poached and the toast toasted. No interruptions by the phone, or any person, or life. Just our time for her to decipher what was going on in my life and to be reminded we were on the same team.
It never crossed my mind what my dad had to do to attend all of my high school basketball games. I now understand that he traded shifts and often worked sixteen-hour 'doubles' before or after the game to make himself available to see me play. Years later, as an adult, I wonder if he ever felt cheated or angry to make those sacrifices when I wasn't playing much, or played poorly.
For years I thought my dad was an insomniac because most nights when I was a teen-ager driving the car, he would be up when I got home. As I became a parent of a new driver, I realized that sleep after kids are home safe comes easier than lying in bed thinking of all the dangerous drivers sharing the road with our new driver.
Looking back, I realize the financial struggles we had. Maybe my parents should have told me. Probably, though, as a kid, I wouldn't have been able to understand the reality of what they were saying - and experiencing.
Only when I had kids did I understand how many "this hurts me more than it hurts you" things there really are. Only then did I understand why my dad was so angry for so long at the young girl who took my heart, and returned it broken. He would have taken the pain in a minute if he could have, as no doubt I will want to for my grandchildren when they experience the same common heartbreak.
As a middle-aged man (if l live to be 140!), I am amazed at how so much was done for me - and around me - so gracefully and apparently without effort. Cars and yards and the house were always in good order. Yet, there always seems to be time to watch part of a ball game or a quick game of cards or visit on the porch.
So, why does all this matter?
I hope some young man and woman will read this and realize that the parents at the ballparks and concerts and school plays could just as easily be somewhere else; that dinner doesn't magically appear on the table each evening. No, the lawn doesn't mow itself. The sports or band equipment, or latest fashions you want, don't grow on trees.
Oh, how - if I could have "overs" as a teenager - I would contribute more. Mow the lawn without being asked. Cook dinner on occasion for two tired folks getting home from work. Loading or unloading the dishwasher. Vacuuming the house or doing a couple of loads of laundry. Such simple, doable tasks would have been so helpful, so adult, so appreciated.
Perhaps some young man or woman will realize the joy and pain we parents and grandparents get from them, and how hard most parents work to give their kids good lives. How important a 'thanks' or little help can be to parents with a full plate. Not on the Hallmark days set aside for such things. On an average day. Like today.
One of the great kudos any parent could have is that their children notice their care and hard work, and appreciate it. That's as close to winning lotto as most parents get.
Copyright Jeff Tolman 2023. All rights reserved.
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