" I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there the guy was locking the front door. I said "Hey, the sign says you are open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." -Steven Wright

The button below will take you to a survey that includes half of the Weblogs for your consideration to be included in my next book (Ok, my first book).  

Next week and the week after that, the remaining options will appear.

You can select as many of them as you like. Feel free to send a reply email with a question if you don't see one that you liked or you've forgotten the title.

Last week's story about Barbie the cheerleader and how the crush I had on her in high school led me to be able to type 75 words per minute raised the eyebrows of more than one reader. Including my wife. Everything is fine. I asked her to share stories of her high school crushes and the conversation ended.

A reader, Rob, shared that his ability to type kept him from the front lines in Vietnam during the war. Typing skills were in great demand and short supply.

In any case, for the record, there were no other crushes in high school that paid any dividends. Wink. Wink.

"Clean up on Aisle 12." That phrase made you instantly visualize your supermarket and a kid with a mop pushing around a splatter of pizza sauce on a linoleum floor didn’t it?

This week isn’t really about supermarket clean ups, but it seemed like a great title that might grab your attention.

Several years ago, during the height of the pandemic, some long time readers will remember that there were a couple of Weblogs about grocery shopping. I recently had the chance to review them and thought they were worthy enough to edit and combine and republish. If you haven’t read them before, you will be amazed at my supermarket expertise and even more amazed at my supermarket amazement.

When I became a regular at a couple of grocery stores in my area, I did not waste the opportunity to study and observe how people behave. Unfortunately I also have a few dreams about the supermarket experience that I am sharing this week.

I wanted to share some dreams that can only be fulfilled in a supermarket, some observations about human behavior, and some unanswered questions about food shopping.

How and why did I become knowledgeable about grocery stores?

First, (but using a phrase I really don't like): ‘out of an abundance of caution’ I was the designated shopper for a spell.

Additionally, I made the momentous decision to, gulp, seek out the wisdom of, are you ready for this? A Nutritionist. Yes, it is a strange new world. I don't eat sprouts yet and I'm not a vegetarian, but I do put some strange stuff in my basket.

Anyway, as a result of these forces, I found myself gaining superior and valuable knowledge of the local supermarket scene. What is superior and valuable knowledge? Coffee is in Aisle 4, and Whole Wheat English Muffins are in Aisle 9. Is that impressive enough for you, or would you like to know where buffalo sauce (Aisle 7) and garbanzo beans (Aisle 10) are as well? I can keep going if you are a skeptic?

In spite of how much I have learned there are some things that still baffle me and plenty of things about this world where displays-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle are a 'thing'.

Things about the supermarket world I wonder about...

LOBSTER TANK: Are those real lobsters at the seafood shop? How come I’ve never seen anyone buy one? In New England, if you buy a lobster at a supermarket instead of a seafood market, are you also the type of person to buy sushi at a 7-11? Speaking of food safety.

PRODUCE AREA: Why is the produce department the first zone you see when you enter most stores? And where in the cart is the best place to put the produce? In the toddler seat if you don’t have a toddler? If you put it in the big basket, won’t it get crushed by the other things? Speaking of the produce area, it seems to be the only part of the store where you can wander in any direction you want, and most people do.

HAMBURGER FAT PERCENTAGE: Do we really need hamburger that is 10%, 15%, 20% and 25% fat to choose from? Could you, in a blind test really taste the difference? Can we just vote on two fat levels and call it a day? How do you recognize a cow that is 25% fat? Just asking.

BANANAS: What is the difference between regular bananas and organic bananas? Plastic content? In fact, isn’t everything in the produce department ‘organic’? If not what is it, ‘inorganic’?

HUMMUS: Who is eating all that hummus? There are mountains of hummus at every store. The variety is spectacular. What the heck is hummus anyway? Is there a hummus plant or tree? So confusing. When I was a kid, there wasn’t any hummus, was there? Who invented it?

TOAST-R-CAKES: You may have never heard of them, I understand. My family can’t get enough of these little toaster corn cakes, and there might be a lot of families like that because they are the hardest product to find in a store and I have no idea why. Look for them near the English Muffins.

ENGLISH MUFFINS: I wonder two things about English Muffins: why are the ones made by Thomas so expensive compared to store brand, except for when they are buy-one get-one free?

SNOW EMERGENCIES: Going to a grocery store right before a storm is real entertainment. I love the adrenalin, the drama, the worn-out staff, the lack of carriages available because they are all over the parking lot, the joy of waiting in a long line with people who have to have hummus to wait out the storm. So exciting, but it also begs the question: how do bread and milk help you weather a storm?

JUICE: When it comes to Orange Juice, I have always wondered if they take pulp out of the juice with pulp to make a pulp-free juice, or do they add pulp to the juice without it?

CASHEWS: Why are cashews never on sale? Have you noticed that ‘whole cashews’ are 50% more than ‘cashew pieces’? Don't they taste the same? Whoever broke them made expensive mistakes. But even if you buy 'whole cashews,' after they are in your mouth, aren't they just pieces?

COFFEE: Why is Dunkin Coffee never on sale? Why are Keurig pods so expensive? And speaking of coffee flavors, what is the fascination with French Vanilla? Is there Spanish Vanilla and Canadian Vanilla?

COLD CUTS: What is the recommended thickness for sliced cold cuts at the deli? Why does everyone have a preference? And to make it worse, they hold up the slice to ask you if it is ok, like you could see the difference between 2 millimeters and 3 millimeters from a distance. What would happen if you asked for a pound of ham and directed them: ‘don’t slice it?’ How would they do that? What would that kid in the deli do? Call the manager on you?

BEFUDDLED: What do you do, for example, when you were assigned to get a 12-ounce bottle of something, with no added salt or sugar, and you are not really familiar with the product, and they only have 8 ounce bottles with added sugar or 16 ounce bottles with added salt? Do you call home or take a chance? I see guys facing this dilemma all the time. I think sometimes my wife does it to me on purpose. (Only kidding, she proofs this for me sometimes).

PRODUCE BAGS: I understand that bag thickness is measured in mils, whatever those are. But those long skinny produce bags on a roll have got to redefine 'flimsy' as the thinnest bags ever invented. I can never get them open without moistening my fingers-but try that during a pandemic and you’ll be surrounded by big guys in aprons, or angry shoppers accusing you of risky behavior. My how the phrase 'risky behavior' has changed over the years.  

GRAPES: Why are green grapes more per pound that other grapes? Are they elite? Did they escape from the Chardonnay bounty hunters?

MAGAZINES: Do people still buy magazines from the check-out line or are those simply props? They might be supermarket décor? Where do you fall on the Meghan Markle controversy? How about J-Lo and Ben? What about aliens?

ENERGY DRINKS: Is there a human energy crisis? In looking at the number of energy drinks with bizarre symbols on the cans, there must be a boatload of lazy-ass people looking for artificial jump starts. And the stuff is everywhere, even surrounding the magazine décor at the registers. Are people eating hummus and yogurt with energy drinks and organic bananas?

YOGURT: Forget hummus, who is eating all that yogurt, and how do you decide which one to buy? And when did the Greeks get into the yogurt business? I just realized I don’t even know where yogurt comes from. It looks dairy-ish, but there could be a yogurt tree or a yogurt plant. (Told you this was about my ignorance).

ICE CREAM: How much melting takes place with ice cream between the store and home? Sometimes I bring in an insulated bag for the checkout bagger to put the frozen stuff in to solve this problem. Of course they use it for the coffee and cashews instead.

APPLES: What I said about hamburger fat levels? Ditto for apples. So many varieties, so complicated. Who invented all those varieties of apples and why? By the way, we all missed Johnny Appleseed's birthday on September 26th.

SUSTAINABILITY: I wonder how long it takes for a rotisserie chicken to dry out, and do they reuse them the next day? Is that the base for their chicken salad in deli?

My Supermarket Cart Dreams

My first, and some would say an ‘impossible dream’ is that I get that single cart where all four wheels spin nicely. Can you imagine your glee if you got a cart where all the wheels work right? I think I have personally experienced this twice: once was in 2011 and again 2017.

I also dream that one day I am able to pry the first cart I try out the cart it is wedged into. My regular embarrassment at the supermarket is when I feel weak because the damn thing is stuck. Every time. Nothing is better for the ego that to struggle with carts when there is an audience or line of folks behind you.      

Observations on Human Behavior

But I’ve done more than dream in the store and wondered about hummus. I have also studied human behavior and may have developed a new interview question: ‘What do you do with a shopping cart after you have loaded your car’?

I have realized that whether you are a regular shopper or you only occasionally venture out to drive a supermarket shopping cart, your personality comes out behind the basket, just like it does on the road.

So, I have identified at least three types of shoppers when it comes to returning carts after putting groceries into your vehicle. Which one are you?

THE SENSITIVE & COUREOUS TYPE: This is the shopper who may have worked in a service job or is just aware of the tough job of wrangling the carts together and back to the store, or they are just nice people. They are respectful of others and always return their carts to the designated area. And you know what? You can tell they feel good about themselves for doing so. Salt of the earth.

THE ABOVE THE FRAY AND BUSIER THAN YOU TYPE: This is the shopper who leaves the cart anywhere they darn well please in the parking lot, even if it blocks another space, because after all, they are busier than the rest of us and have to get going. They are above moving the cart to the corral or back to the store. They just don't have the time for that.

THE SITUATIONAL RETURNER TYPE: This is the shopper who WOULD have returned the cart to the store or to the corral but feels that it is too far, and the supermarket should have more spaces to return carts or, if the weather were better, they would return it to the store or cart corral. But situationally, they are going to nest it ‘right here.’ And ‘right here’ could be a flower bed, a handicapped parking space or a sidewalk.

One of the powerful parts of being an author, and I use that term loosely, is that people sometimes remember what you wrote and, although this week’s edition is not designed to be inspiring or for that matter, particularly helpful, I can almost guarantee the next time you are pushing a cart with only three good wheels, you’ll think of me. And the next time you can’t separate two carts, you’ll think of me.  You might even think of me when you have hummus or try to open one of those flimsy produce bags.

In case I forget, thanks for thinking of me.

Additionally, I hope the next time you debate whether or not to return the cart to its proper location in the parking lot, you think of me and do the right thing. Unless it is raining?

A loyal reader submitted the graphic below to help identify the types of shopping cart users that is better than anything I could create, so I am using it below without permission.  Thanks, Marc.