This week's offering is a little lighter than most. During the pandemic, all of our roles have changed somewhat, and although I generally do not clip coupons, I am a regular at a couple of grocery stores in my area, and have not wasted the opportunity to study and observe how people behave. Unfortunately I also have a few dreams about the supermarket experience that I am sharing this week.

This is Part 1 of a fascinating two-part series based on supermarkets. Today, I am flaunting my knowledge, in Part 2 next week, I will be flaunting my ignorance. I am nothing if not versatile.

To those who asked, last week's story was about a McDonald's (I was there from 14 billion to 49 billion), and one of my readers was actually a customer back then. He doesn't remember me, but I remember him.

Oh, and I've intentionally made a couple of typos this week. It is nearly midnight, I've been going at it since 4:30 am, and I am just too lazy to re-read this again. I'm happy to satisfy the perfectionists among you by providing this opportunity to catch an error.

But when you do, let's keep it our secret, ok?

Clean up on Aisle 3: that phrase made you instantly visualize your supermarket and a kid with a mop pushing around a splatter of pizza sauce on a linoleum floor didn’t it? 

This week isn’t really about supermarket clean ups, but it seemed like a great title that would grab your attention. Apparently, if you are reading this, it did.

Anyway, as a result of these three forces, I found myself gaining superior and valuable knowledge of the local supermarket scene. What is superior and valuable knowledge? Coffee is in Aisle 4, and Whole Wheat English Muffins are in Aisle 9. Is that impressive enough for you, or would you like to know where buffalo sauce (Aisle 7) and garbanzo beans (Aisle 10) are as well? I can keep going if you are a skeptic?

In spite of how much I have learned there are some things that still baffle me and plenty of things about this world where displays-in-the-middle-of-the-aisle are a 'thing'.

My first, and some would say an ‘impossible dream’ is that I keep hoping that I get the single cart where all four wheels spin nicely. Can you imagine your glee if you got a cart where all the wheels work right? I think I have personally experienced with this twice:  I think it was 2014 and 2002.

I also dream that one day I am able to pry the first cart I try out the cart it is wedged into. My regular embarrassment at the supermarket is when I feel weak because the damn thing is stuck. Every time. Nothing is better for the ego that to struggle with carts when there is an audience or line of folks behind you.

My third dream is to become ‘Supermarket Royalty’, which certainly exists. Yes, although there ARE arrows on the floor and everyone else is moving towards the front of the store in a particular aisle, there are a number of shoppers who apparently have obtained an oblivious pass and can barge down the wrong way, stop in the middle to find that elusive jar of rosemary and look quizzically at everyone who gives them a dirty look. Oh, to have that level of obliviousness!

But I’ve done more than dream in the store. I have also studied human behavior and may have developed a new interview question: ‘What do you do with a shopping cart after you have loaded your car’?

I have realized that whether you are a regular shopper or you only occasionally venture out to drive a supermarket shopping cart, your personality comes out behind the basket, just like it does on the road. 

So, I have identified at least three types of shoppers when it comes to returning carts after putting groceries into your vehicle. Which one are you?

THE SENSITIVE & COUREOUS TYPE: This is the shopper who may have worked in a service job or is just aware of the tough job of wrangling the carts together and back to the store, or they are just nice people. They are respectful of others and always return their carts to a designated space. And you know what? You can tell they feel good about themselves for doing so. Salt of the earth.

THE ABOVE THE FRAY AND BUSIER THAN YOU TYPE: This is the shopper who leaves the cart anywhere they damn well please in the parking lot, even if it blocks another space, because after all, they are busier than the rest of us and have to get going. They are above moving the cart to the designated corral or back to the store. They just don't have the time for that.

THE SITUATIONAL RETURNER TYPE: This is the shopper who WOULD have returned the cart to the store or to the corral but feels that it is too far, and the supermarket should have more spaces to return carts or, if the weather were better, they would return it to the store or cart corral. But situationally, they are going to nest it ‘right here.’ And ‘right here’ could be a flower bed, a handicapped parking space or a sidewalk.

One of the powerful parts of being an author, and I use that term loosely, is that people sometimes remember what you wrote and, although this week’s edition is not designed to be inspiring or for that matter, particularly helpful, I can almost guarantee the next time you are pushing a cart with only three good wheels, you’ll think of me. And the next time you can’t separate two carts, you’ll think of me. And the next time you see someone going the wrong way down an aisle you’ll think of me.

In case I forget, thanks for thinking of me.

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