Week 2
The Concept
"Even Though It Is Possible To See All Acts As An Attempt To Meet Needs, Most Of Us Were Taught Something Else."
Most of us were taught that people do things for other reasons. We were given another way to look at people's actions: An entire category of reasons that we can call "judgments".
Right and Wrong
Many of us learned that there are "right things" and "wrong things". And that we should to do the "right things" and not do the "wrong things".
Good and Evil
It is still considered a rational explanation of human behavior to attribute "evil" to people's actions. A well known New York Times editorial writer recently made this case about a shooting in the US.
Many of us also share the notion that certain people or actions are inherently good as well.
Should and Shouldn't
I know for me, this is the most pervasive and difficult form of judgment to recognize. As a small child, I learned to be a human and to fit in by finding out what I "should" or "shouldn't" do.
Compassion for Our Judgments
In last week's message we explored the idea that "everything we do, we do to meet a need". This includes using judgments. For example, by labeling certain people as "evil", we know to "stay away or protect from" and that might meet our need for safety. It might also be an attempt to "understand" why people act as they do.
When I think about judgments in this way, I have a deeper understanding and more compassion for people who are judging (myself included). It is this "needs behind the judgment" thinking that allows me access to my compassion. I no longer feel compelled to
judge
the "judgers".
So we can see how judgment might help us meet certain needs. That said, it rarely meets needs for connection or engenders compassion.
So Why Do I Want to Know about Judgments?
We can look at judgments as being important in two ways: One, they tend to disconnect us from one another, and two (ironically), they let us know about our needs.
For example, imagine someone came up to you and said "Hey, listen - I'd like to talk to you about how stupid you're being." Would you like to have that conversation? Or would you be put off, maybe shocked? Disconnected?
Now imagine someone came up to you and said, "Hey, listen - I'd like to talk to you about how we can have more flow and communication between us." Would you be interested in that conversation? I imagine it would be more likely.
This example shows a new way to think about all judgments. A way that gives us a more connecting and compassionate view. Think of any judgment word you or someone else might use, and you can match it to something you/they would like and are not getting - a need.
Selfish - Perhaps more mutuality or consideration?
Mean - Perhaps care or understanding?
Stupid - Perhaps understanding, or effectiveness?
When we use judgment language:
- We disconnect and are less likely to think about needs.
- Since we never actually bring specific need(s) into our consciousness, again, we are way less likely to consider them or meet them.
- It's not as much fun as knowing the needs behind it.
When we can notice judgments and "translate" them into needs:
- We can talk about our own and other people's needs and therefore more likely to stay in connection.
- We can create more connection with, and have more compassion for someone who is in pain.
It can be a great challenge to notice our judgments. Yet, when we learn to have this noticing (or awareness), we create a foothold for compassion.
So you could say, the skill of "unpacking" or "translating" judgments into a clearer understanding of needs gives us an awareness that is a key to engendering compassion, especially in the face of conflict and/or pain. Awareness of needs also increases the odds of having them met, ultimately increasing our happiness and compassion as well.
Noticing and translating judgments is one of the greatest challenges in the realm of compassionate thinking - and at the same time offers some of the greatest benefits.
I invite you to a journey toward this awareness and to the increased happiness and connection you will experience as you notice judgments and transform them into a more compassionate understanding of needs.
For me it has helped create a deeper sense of meaning and purpose and a deeper connection with everyone in my life - from a 30 second relationship in an elevator, to my relationship with my parents, children and friends - and most of all, myself.
