The Newmans remind couples not to let coronavirus infect their marriage...providing tips on how to combat stress, improve communication, and resolve conflict; provide links for towns to visit in North Carolina; share the recipe for a refreshing summer drink; spotlight a beautiful love song; share Stay-At-Home Couples' Date Ideas; and, provide a link to ideas for virtual double dates with friends, etc.
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Coronavirus and Marital Conflict
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We will not let coronavirus infect our marriage…say this declaration with us…."
we will not let coronavirus infect our marriage"
. Some of you are already testing positive for short tempers, lack of patience, depressed mood, anxiety, and fear. Watch for symptoms that coronavirus may be trying to infect your marriage. Studies show that more couples file for divorce after natural disasters and traumas. There is a study that tracked the rates of marriage, divorce, and births after Hurricane Hugo hit South Carolina in 1989. And, the outcomes were not good. But, we've got a Savior! How about you?! More married couples got divorced following the disaster. But, the results also showed that more single people got married, and couples had more babies. This means that in the face of stress like the stress we are experiencing now, our emotions are all over the place.
Even the healthiest relationships are experiencing some strain during this COVID-19 pandemic. Some couples are reporting arguments about where their spouses go, who they encounter, whether they are wearing protective gear, and how conscientious they are being about keeping their family safe. Other couples are on the same page regarding the pandemic and how to stay safe, but they are experiencing increased conflict due to being quarantined and spending more time than usual in each other's space.
We want to share the following recommendations for combating stress, improving communication, and resolving conflict:
To combat stress
:
- Exercise (e.g. walk, run, jog, use an exercise DVD, try Planet Fitness online classes, or go to www.fitnessblender to access exercise videos.
- Take a yoga class- yoga is the practice of increasing body and breath awareness. Studies have shown that yoga can be as effective as antidepressant drugs at treating depression and anxiety. Duke Integrative Medicine is offering gentle online yoga every Friday for $10.00, see https://dukeintegrativemedicine.org/patient-care/individual-services/gentle-yoga/ or go to https://www.gaia.com/yoga to access classes.
- Practice deep breathing - see this link for details on deep breathing, https://www.webmd.com/balance/stress-management/stress-relief-breathing-techniques#1. Deep breathing slows your heart rate, causing you to feel more peaceful.
- Aromatherapy- to relax, try burning a scented candle or use some essential oils on your body (e, g, lavender, lemongrass, rose, jasmine, bergamot orange)
- Listen to soothing music- on Pandora, we enjoy Zen Garden and music by jazz artist, Norman Brown. Nature sounds and Native American music can also be very calming.
- Decrease your caffeine intake- try to eliminate or at least drink smaller amounts of coffee, tea, and energy drinks, because the stimulant found in caffeine can increase anxiety.
- Start a gratitude journal- each day, write about what you are grateful for; be intentional about focusing on what you have (rather than what you don't have) and document the positive things that are going on in your life.
- Chew gum- there is a study that shows that people who chew gum have a greater sense of wellbeing and lower stress. These results may reflect the fact that chewing promotes blood flow to the brain.
- Spend time with friends and family- go to www.Zoom.us and set up a family meeting or a girls/guys check-in. Accounts are free for those who do not need to meet for more than 40 minutes. Or try Skype, www.Skype.com or Google Meet (formerly Google Hangout), https://meet.google.com/, to do the same thing.
- Laugh- it relaxes you, improves your mood and improves your immune system. Watch something funny on TV; find a funny movie or call a friend who makes you laugh.
- Cuddle- cuddling, kissing, hugging and sex can all help relieve stress.
- Get more sleep- lack of sleep is a significant cause of stress. Try to get 7-9 hours/night. Relax and unwind before going to bed by reading a calming book or taking a warm bath and make sure your bedroom is quiet and tranquil.
To improve communication:
- Make your relationship a priority- reserve time and energy for one another. Working from home may have you feeling like you need to work 24/7 or balancing homeschooling the kids and doing your job may be causing you to feel overwhelmed. Try getting on a schedule or changing your current schedule to make time for your spouse.
- Just because you are talking to each other does not mean you are communicating. Understanding is key to good, solid communication; when you talk to your spouse you want them to understand what you are saying and feeling; you want and need to be understood. There are three components to good communication: expressing, listening, and responding.
- Expressing- tell your spouse what you think, what you feel, and what you need. And remembering James 3: 3-12, will prompt you to watch your tongue. Avoid criticism and/or hurtful, harmful comments. Just state the facts (your perception) as they pertain to the current situation (not the past). Do not say what you think they think, what you think they feel, or what you think they want…let them tell you that, just focus on expressing your thoughts, your emotions, and your needs.
- Listening- James 1:19-20, says we should be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires". Listening carefully is key to understanding. Whoever is speaking needs the full "spotlight"; time to completely express themselves without being interrupted or receiving any feedback. Sometimes the person who is supposed to be listening is not listening, but instead focused on what they want to say next or going ahead and interrupting/fighting for the "spotlight". This comes across as caring more about saying what you want to say, than caring about what the other person thinks or feels. Listening takes practice, maturity, and intentionality. Listening is crucial because the person listening must respond and the response determines the course of the conversation…. whether it becomes a productive conversation or an unproductive argument.
- Responding- respond with appropriate feedback; avoid being negative or defensive. Ask for clarity if there were things said that you did not understand. Then, ask "what do you need from me right now?"
Mastering communication is a lifelong challenge for most of us; it takes intentionality and practice. Keep trying!
To manage/resolve conflict
:
We know that during this pandemic you are facing more of those little minor irritations that can spark conflict (e.g. where to set the house thermostat, what to eat, what kind of music to play and how loud to play it, who is going to get which room to set up their home office and how clean to keep the home office, what time to go to bed or to get up), than usual. Conflict is inevitable…. we are dealing with gender differences, family background differences, different hobbies and interests, and differences in how we relate to others in different ways. In Dr. Rosberg's book,
Do-It- Yourself Relationship Mender
, he maintains that each time a conflict begins, a loop is formed and the loop cannot be closed until the conflict is resolved.
The Loop Opens
: conflict begins when one spouse offends the other; the other person is hurt by the offense, and the hurt gives way to anger.
The Choice: Leave the Loop Open or Close It?
- sometimes we feel hopeless, like trying to resolve it is just not going to work. So, we leave it open and resentment builds, and bitterness and resentment start to affect other aspects of our relationship. But you should resolve the conflict, close the loop, so that you do not damage your relationship.
Closing the Loop:
- Prepare your heart- We need to pray Psalm 139: 23-24, Search me; know my heart; deal with anything in me that is offensive; lead me.
- Lovingly confront- Ephesians 4: 26-27, reminds us to not sin in our anger and to not let the sun go down on our anger; address the conflict immediately. And, in 1 Peter 3: 8-9, we see that we should try to be like-minded, sympathetic, loving, compassionate, and humble; and, to try not to repay evil for evil or insult with insult, but repay evil with blessings, because "to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing". Let's not block our blessings by not being loving. Choose the right time and the right place to talk and seek a resolution that benefits you both.
- Offer forgiveness- Matthew 18: 21-22 reminds us that we are to forgive over and over and over. Forgiveness is the key to healing hurts. Without forgiveness, you are trapped in anger.
- Rebuild trust- once you forgive your spouse, it does not mean that you automatically trust them. Trust can take time to rebuild. You must be patient with each other as time heals and the trust is rebuilt.
Close the loop; resolve it once and for all.
We pray for your marriages during this incredibly stressful time. We are so thankful that we have God and thankful that we have each other! We pray that you will relax, lovingly communicate with each other, and successfully resolve any issues that come up while you are spending time at home together. 'In Jesus' Name!
With Love,
Paula and Sherman Newman
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We Like Calling North Carolina, Home
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We Like Calling North Carolina, Home; however, we want to remind you that even though we no longer have a ‘Stay At Home’ order, the current Executive Order for the state of North Carolina is “Safer at Home”. We recommend that you visit the website below for North Carolina towns, and plan where you will go, when it is safe to go. Sadly, not every business that currently exists on these websites will make it through to the other side of this crisis, but we expect the sites to be updated, accordingly.
Visit the Heart of NC (Archdale, Asheboro, Franklinville, Liberty, Ramseur, Randleman, Seagrove, Staley, Trinity),
www.HeartofNorthCarolina.com
The Heart of Adventure: Brevard, NC
For great recipes, travel ideas, and beautiful places to visit in North Carolina, see
Our State: Celebrating North Carolina, at
www.ourstate.com
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Strawberry Limeade
This strawberry limeade is perfectly sweet and tart, and a very refreshing drink for the summer.
Ingredients
- 1/2 cup lime juice
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 1/3 cup water
- 1/2 lb. sliced strawberries
- 20-30 mint leaves
- 2 cups cold water
Instructions
To make the simple syrup, combine the sugar and 1/3 cup water in a saucepan, and cook over medium high heat for 5-10 minutes until the sugar is dissolved and the liquid is clear. Then, in a large mason jar or a pitcher, combine the lime juice, simple syrup, strawberries, mint, and the 2 cups of cold water. Let it sit in the refrigerator for 2-3 hours. Serve and enjoy! (makes 2 servings)
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Brian McKnight's,
Nobody
See the Official Video….
I’ll be nobody’s man, but yours…..
This is a beautiful song and wonderful video of Brian McKnight marrying his lovely bride, Leilani Malia Mendoza, at Oheka Castle in Long Island, New York on December 31, 2017.
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Quarantine/Stay- At- Home Couples' Date Ideas
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1.
Play board games/card games: Uno, Chess, Catch Phrase, Tunk, Jenga, Gin Rummy, Clue, etc.
2.
Work on a puzzle together. Make it a challenge by trying to complete one puzzle, one weekend each month.
3.
Enjoy a spa night: light some candles; put on some spa music; take a bubble bath; put on your robes and relax; give each other a foot massage or shoulder massage; and, enjoy a refreshing drink together (see the Summer Drink Recipe).
4.
Plan your next vacation: see the “I Like Calling North Carolina Home” list, check out top-rated Airbnbs, The Travel Channel, your dream city’s website, Travel + Leisure World’s Best List. (We are already scouting ours….Miami is my (Paula) favorite place to be in the world,
https://www.luxuryrentalsmiamibeach.com/)
5.
Take Out by Candlelight- order dinner from your favorite upscale restaurant; dress up (dress and suit); decorate the dining room; play romantic music; and, enjoy! Angus Barn takeout is great, see their takeout menu-
http://www.angusbarn.com/takeoutmenu.html
6.
Binge watch Netflix- cuddle on the couch and watch shows/movies together.
8.
Teach each other something new
or learn a new skill together: photography, cooking, gardening, scrapbooking, woodworking, graphic design. (We are exploring photography- YouTube has tutorials for everything- e.g. How to Take Amazing Photos,
https://youtu.be/YZPuc3HV5O8)
9.
Dessert Night- go to Pinterest and check out desserts; pick 2-3 recipes and try making them together (e.g. cookies, brownies, cake, pie)
11.
Have a picnic- pack a picnic basket with all your favorites: sandwiches, sweets, fruit, etc. and throw a blanket on the ground in the backyard (or sit at the table on your patio or deck or screened in porch) and enjoy!
13.
Put on a Fashion Show- put on the clothes you miss wearing; any clothes you recently purchased and haven’t had a chance to wear because of the quarantine and take pictures of one another….create impromtu photo shoots in the best spots in your house, striking your best poses.
14.
Music- make each other a Spotify playlist.
15.
Make pickles….and, enjoy them on your picnic in the backyard.
INGREDIENTS
1 lb. Kirby or Persian cucumbers
3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed
2 large sprigs of fresh dill
1 cup water
3/4 cup white vinegar
1 tbsp. Kosher salt
(You may or may not want to add a little sugar:)
DIRECTIONS
1. Trim ends from cucumbers and slice into spears. Pack into 2 (16-oz. Mason glass jars) along with garlic and dill.
2. Make brine: in a small saucepan, combine water, vinegar, and salt. Bring to a boil, stir until salt is dissolved, and remove from heat and let cool slightly. Pour over cucumbers, seal the jar, and shake. Let them cool completely on the counter, then refrigerate them until cold.
3. Wait at least 2 hours to eat the pickles, but the longer you wait, the more flavorful they will be. Try waiting 24 hours to eat them.
(Delish)
Other Things to Do
Go on A Virtual Double-Date/Group Date with Friends
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