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The Practice of Hope: What Caregiving Has Taught Me About Showing Up—and Letting Go
Sometimes a random theme will pop up in my mind and I'll think "that would be a great topic to explore for a future Deb's Picks Full Moon blog!"
That happened a few months ago when I read the latest offering from the Center for Contemplation and Action daily newsletter (often a source of inspiration for my own writing) and the theme was "Practicing the Discipline of Hope". (I'll expand on that in the Picks below).
But then, life happened... big surprise. Specifically, some equally powerful conversations with a number of wise friends about a topic that didn't seem to be connected to the "perfect" one I'd come up with for this month's Pisces/Virgo Full Moon.
About 6 weeks ago, I had a deep conversation with a friend whose husband died several years ago after a prolonged decline due to peripheral neuropathy. That alone resonated with me since my husband Peter (now in his mid-80s) has had increasing balance issues, along with bad shoulders, a combination which has shifted our roles and responsibilities, similar to what my friend experienced with her husband.
Then over the next few weeks, I talked with 2 other friends who are going through the same dynamic with their "older" husbands.
In the middle of it all, I was interviewed for a wonderful digital photo project called "The Visible Years", highlighting older women and created by Meri Frischman at The Pro-Age Woman and Susie Lang at @women.60.plus. If we're connected on social media, you've seen my profile that was posted on Facebook and Instagram on August 10th -- more on that experience below.
And while it was totally fun to be photographed by Susie, the bigger revelation for me came from the questions she posed in our interview.
For the first time, I spoke out loud about my growing awareness of myself as a "Caregiver". I had always defined that role as a person who provides daily support for someone who can't care for themselves, like many friends of mine who've cared for family members with Alzheimer's or other debilitating conditions.
Turns out, there are many levels of caregiving... maybe obvious to some of you, but for me it was a "well, duh" moment, and adding it to the list of roles I play in my life has been eye-opening.
Obviously, there's the still-evolving kind of caregiving I'm navigating with Peter. He's pretty self-sufficient -- does his own cooking and is committed to getting in his steps every day with his trusty walking sticks. But we also now have a rollator (fancy name for a walker) and a mobility scooter sitting in the front hall for when he needs them, too.
On a practical level, there are tasks we've always shared equally -- driving, cleaning up, loading and unloading the car -- that are getting more difficult for him. Not to mention the things we've loved doing together for the last 45+ years... from going to movies or out to dinner to exploring new places. They all take lots more planning, as well as handicap accommodations, if we can do them at all. But one of the things I've missed the most, is that we can no longer "spoon" when we sleep cuz it's just too painful for him to lie on his side. At least we can still hold hands most of the time. :-)
As Susie wrote in my profile, "caregiving is complicated, as anyone who has lived it knows, but beneath it all is a deep love that has never gone away." That's certainly the foundation for Peter and me.
Then, there's the caregiving I do when I visit my 96 year old mom every month... not a daily responsibility, but the tasks I help with when I'm there -- making meals for her, helping her get ready for bed, going shopping for her -- are "classic" caregiving.
And there's the "joyful caregiving" I get to do with my grandchildren almost every week -- a commitment I made when the oldest was born 9 years ago -- picking them up at school/daycare, babysitting when their parents need help. It's a win-win for all of us.
Now, as my dear college friend Amy pointed out (in yet another deep conversation), "but that's not new, Deb -- you've always been a caregiver!"
She's right. I come by it naturally with the emphasis on nurturing (Cancer) and relationships (Libra) in my astrological chart. But this feels like a new dimension.
So here's where my original theme of HOPE gets looped back in for this Pisces/Virgo Full Moon energy coming up on August 28th.
Turns out these two themes -- the Discipline of Hope and Caregiving -- really represent a beautiful integration of the energies of this Full Moon. With the Moon in Pisces, we're invited to embrace surrender, compassion, and faith & trust in something larger (hope!). And at the same time, the Virgo Sun reminds us to double down on the practical aspects of life -- our daily routines of tending to our bodies, schedules, messes, and needs.
In essence, Virgo asks us to acknowledge the sacredness of just showing up in little ways, like driving someone somewhere, checking in, listening to the same stories (that can be tough sometimes!), or just being present when there's nothing to fix. Not glamorous spirituality, but practical spirituality.
Then Pisces kicks in on the Full Moon during this Virgo season, reminding us that we can't control the outcomes AND that we need to be passionately committed to our own soul-care in the process.
I can care for Peter without being able to make everything better.
I can love my mom without being able to stop time.
I can nurture my grandkiddos without being able to determine who they will become.
Caregiving can become very Virgo: What needs to be done? Who needs me? What did I forget? What needs fixing? And when you're caring for multiple generations, there can be an almost endless list.
So the powerful question for me has been (and I invite you to sit with it, too):
Where in my life am I being invited to care deeply while also releasing what is not mine to carry?
Maybe one of the biggest realizations for me so far on this journey (and I know there are more to come) is that caregiving isn't just about being a person who gives. It asks us to become willing to receive, accept help, release control, and recognize that we are all dependent on one another at different points in our lives.
That's the definition of interdependence and a beautiful expression of this Pisces/Virgo energy.
Phew...clearly I'm far from finished ruminating on all of this, so thanks for staying with me through this latest attempt to articulate where I'm at!
Be sure to tune into our Pisces Full Moon TeleMeditation this Friday, August 28th at Noon -- click HERE for details on how to join us. Hope to “hear” you then!
(And after that, I'd love for you to come to my upcoming Virgo New Moon SisterCircle through the Wellness Universe on Thurs., September 10th when we'll be "Practicing Radical Self-Care" -- a perfect complement to this Hope/Caregiving conversation!)
Now, please do read on for my Deb's Picks this month. Enjoy!
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