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Divorce is a fact of life. USA Today noted in a recent article, “One of the more sobering realities of 21st century American life is divorce. . . About 40% to 50% of married couples in the United States divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. The divorce rate among those who remarry is even higher.”
Divorce is not a new reality. For as long as people have married, divorce has existed. Judaism had the wisdom to understand not every relationship exists until death do us part, including the infamous matches made in heaven! The Get (Jewish bill of divorce) is first mentioned in the book of Deuteronomy, Chapter 24. What the Torah fails to mention, nor for that matter other scriptural texts of moral/ethical behavior, is how two individuals who were once in love, now divorced, should relate to one another going forward.
Professor Stephen Carter, author of Civility, has written, “Goodness knows what the incivility with which we conduct our divorces is teaching our children about how to treat those we once loved and no longer love.” Since the beginning of dating, the threat of a breakup was ever-present. Do you remember the hurt you felt when your first boyfriend or girlfriend said it was over? The pain healed and in many cases the romance became friendship. I have always been puzzled why the break-up of a marriage cannot follow the same trajectory, why marital love has to be replaced with hatred and enmity?
I found the following statement on the website of a law firm specializing in family law: “In divorce, a death has occurred. Even though you may be forced to have contact with your ex, especially in situations where minor children are involved, it is imperative to undertake the self-reflective process the grief cycle offers, accept the end of the relationship, and let go of the hurt present. The sooner you let go of the need to “get even,” undertake the grieving process, and learn to let go, the sooner you will be on a road of “getting back to even.”
There was something we saw in a former spouse that drew us to him/her. Magic once filled the air and lifted our spirits, but eventually faded, replaced by frustration and disappointment. Over time, it became clear we couldn't maintain a healthy marriage. The dissolution of a marriage, like death, needs to be mourned. However, it is the death of a relationship, not a person. After time, we can still care about the person who once lit up our life. Usually, they remain our children's other parent, keeping us connected. Like us, they are made b’tselem Eloheim—in the image of God.
Rabbi Howard Siegel
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