This newsletter is coming to you in the early days of 2019. This is a time in which

people regularly wrestle with "new year's resolutions" that they cannot sustain. Gyms

get new memberships, as people want to get healthy, and then actual participation drops sharply as the months unfold. Why do people feel guiltily motivated to make them, and why are they then broken? What can we do instead?

Honoring the needs behind the shoulds

Last month, part of my monthly conversation with the women from Palestine I've been supporting went exactly there: the internal conflict between a "should" and another part that is rebelling against the "should." I know this from myself from earlier times: telling myself that I should do something is almost guaranteed to create this kind of internal resistance. This is why these resolutions don't work. The Palestinian woman whose "should" we were looking at came to see that what she was fighting against internally was just her humanity calling to her: some basic needs that were screaming to her under conditions of occupation resulted in longings and behaviors that another part of her was judging. The path forward - solving her internal conflict in the same way that we would work out an external one: listen to the needs of that aching part that resists the should; listen to the needs and values deeply hidden within the harshness of the should; and then find a way to move forward that cares for all of those needs.

 

In client sessions, on calls, with friends, and everywhere, I saw again and again these past weeks how much we gain by tenderly opening to all that is true within us, around us, between us, and in the world at large. Two co-workers who had lost all trust regained large parts of it when one of them finally stepped into the full courage to say exactly what was weighing on her that she previously was hiding. A group of siblings found new ground to walk together when one of them expressed the fullness of her vision instead of criticizing the others. Honoring everything that is important to all concerned, not just what is convenient or easy to say or feel, we can create agreements - within and between us - that we are so much more likely to be able to keep.

I have been with myself and have walked with enough others to know, also, that support is always pivotal to keeping our agreements, even when they are wholehearted. The more outside the norm our choices and commitments, the more support we will need, because we will experience friction that makes it more of an effort. Integrity, in a global culture set up to go against life, is a constant struggle: what to do, what to say and how to say it, what to buy or not buy, who to relate to, how to respond to what happens, how to engage with money? Every single decision we make either supports the status quo, challenges it, or both. Without support, we won't be able to challenge it sufficiently to reclaim wholeness.

Integrity through the Core Nonviolence Commitments

This month, in support of all of our individual and collective capacity to live in integrity, I am releasing the new version of the Core Nonviolence Commitments. These are blueprints for what a life of nonviolence looks like. Every single one of them calls on us to seek support to be able to live it. My recent blog post speaks specifically about how support bridges the gap between capacity and commitment.

 

One of the ways that I extend consistent support to all who wish for it is through the many free calls I offer (schedule and other info on these in the events section below). Life has changed, for me and for many who come regularly, since we started communing. Knowing this unexpected community is holding all this with me supports my own capacity to persist even in difficult moments.

 

What I have found for myself over the years is that living in integrity, while demanding, is also incredibly life giving. Once I crossed over into the willingness to expose myself to the impacts, both on me and on others, without shutting down, there is far less struggle, and clarity and energy flow more fully into what I do. I so long for so many more people to experience the possibility that, despite all evidence to the contrary, we can, individually and collectively, restore life. I sincerely hope that my writing, my presence, my work, and my vision will offer you support in the coming period.

 

in peace and hope,

 

Miki