Hey Doc,
I am 24 years old and in the military. My wife, Chantel, is 22 and a retail sales associate. We've been married for almost three years and this is the roughest stretch I've ever been through in my entire life, including my overseas assignments.
I was on deployment for seven months and an extra extension for two months, so I have been gone for nine out of the past 11 months. While I was on deployment Chantel met a guy at the gym. I gave her the freedom to do what she wanted to keep her from being too stressed. Well, in the end she became emotionally attached to this guy. To my knowledge, he came over to my house twice to "comfort" her. Chantel also lied to me about going with him to see a basketball game. She spent my money on the tickets and took him.
Chantel has said that this gym guy has been there for her emotionally. She brings up issues that happened between us three years ago and blames me for the current status of our relationship. Doc, Chantel has anything a woman could possibly want. I have come to realize there are two ways of loving. I show love for Chantel by buying her things, but she wants affection and attention like a 13-year-old girl would.
Doc, I fully provide for this girl and she treats me like crap. The past couple of months have been hell. It seems like Chantel is trying to replace me. I recently discovered that my wife has been e-mailing the gym guy stuff about separating from me, dating him and focusing on her career.
One more thing. I also cosigned a loan for Chantel to get a breast augmentation, which has ended up making things even worse. Now she is running around with her single friends and doing the bar scene. The other night she lied to me about going out with one of her friends and never came home. She said she stayed at her friend's house and drank there. I smell BS. What should I do?
Trip - who's afraid that he's losing her
Hi Trip,
First let me just point out that the fix you're in happens to lots of guys doing their patriotic duty in the military. But when a military man gets married, he has to make sure that the woman he's marrying has high self-esteem and the ability to be alone. To you Psych majors, you can't marry a needy woman and then disappear for six months to a year and leave her alone, because she's going to play around.
It was a big mistake for you to give Chantel her freedom in order to keep her from being stressed. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "When you tell a babe to do whatever she wants and you're not around to occupy her time, she's going to take advantage of it."
Chantel didn't become emotionally attached to the gym rat - she became romantically attached to him, which is much worse. Why do you think she allowed him to come over to your house to "comfort" her? And I have to add that it's really nice of Chantel to invite this fellow over to your place to hang out. Like my cousin General Love says, "You're protecting them from terrorists and they're partying behind your back." Wow - what a patriotic couple!
As far as Chantel's gym pal is concerned, he's a rip-off artist who is dating a married woman. And your wife is committing ADULTERY, if not physically, then emotionally. Trip, your wife gets a big "F" in the subject of LOYALTY. And what does that tell you?
Chantel has some nerve blaming you for the current miserable state of your marriage. She knew she was marrying a military man when she said, "I do." But guy, you have another, bigger problem on top of that. Your wife is only 22. The people with the highest divorce rates are between 18 and 22 years of age. So, Trip, this is not good. The truth of the matter is that Chantel never grew up. It would have been better if you had met her when she was 25. Maybe by then she'd have grown up and known what the meaning of Integrity is. Unfortunately for you, you didn't.
Another major problem is that you didn't have my book when you met Chantel and you didn't understand that she had the emotional makeup of a 13-year-old girl when you were going out with her. If you had figured that out - and you would have if you had memorized my techniques -- you wouldn't be in the nasty quagmire you're in now.
And sadly for you, Trip, there's even more bad news: Chantel isn't trying to replace you - she already has. The proof is that she's telling the gym guy all about how she's going to get rid of you. Like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "The little sneak is already practicing her getaway!"
What should you do? Dude, I'm the last guy around who believes in divorce. If you've read my books and columns, you know that I'll do practically anything to save a marriage that's worth saving. But your case is different. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "My son, your situation is probably beyond repair."
Remember, guys: if she's lying to you and seeing another guy at the same time, it's over.
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ADVANCED SYSTEM CLASS
6/16/11
Being On Time
Guys, remember the guy that wrote the article that had the saying "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy?" He's at it again. Josh West wrote an article titled "Beauty Gets Real (when you step backstage)."
It's a tongue-in-cheek parody about what goes on when you get married and get to observe your wife getting ready for various events. It's not a revelation that women (generally) take more time to get ready than men, no big deal, but, then our buddy Josh adds this- quote "A partner (meaning him) is there to do whatever is necessary to get out the door without tears or bloodshed," then he adds "I'm sorry," "I love you," "nobody shows up on time for these things anyway," unquote.
He's excusing her selfish behavior by saying there would be a "war" if he expected her to be ready on time. Really?
Guys, there are millions of women that get up early every day- they throw a load of clothes in the washer, make breakfast for the family, get the kids to school on school days and get to their day job on time. Why? Because they know there are people depending on them. They can't act like a spoiled movie star. They say the late Marilyn Monroe kept everybody waiting for hours on her movie sets. She was selfish and inconsiderate of everybody. She was saying: "I'm a star, I'm special, and who cares if you're waiting?"
If you're going out with a woman that's always late, it ain't changing when you marry her. THE SYSTEM says it's a huge RED FLAG, she's saying her time is more important than everyone else's. You will have to make up your mind whether it's a deal breaker or not, but as I said, don't expect her to change.
Until next week, thanks for all your support.
Jeff and I appreciate it.
