Hey Doc,

I've read your book a few times. It's definitely an eye-opener.

I'm 37 and an engineer. I don't know what to think of the situation I'm in. I met Aurora two months ago at a bookstore. I called her after five days. We spoke just a little on the phone and then I quickly asked her to dinner. When I met her at the restaurant, I made sure I was clean and looking good, and had a positive attitude. Dinner was pleasant and we laughed a little. I got to know more things about her, such as that she's 29 and works in finance. She looked good that night, better than at the bookstore.  I'd say she's a solid "8" out of 10. I didn't kiss her, though I could tell she wanted the night to continue.

A week later I called her and asked if she wanted to go to a wine exhibition. She said she would be delighted to go. During the wine-tasting and walking around, she got physically closer and sometimes lightly touched my arm.  We were both hungry and decided to check out a new hip restaurant. This time I drove her home, walked her to her door and kissed her. She smiled like I'd just given her a gift.

Fast forward another four great dates. Now after every date Aurora is kissing me and wants to kiss longer. She invited me to her place for dinner. After dinner she asked me if I wanted to be her boyfriend. Good, right? I said I was having fun spending time with her and agreed. After a make-out session, she told me she was leaving for Europe for a one-year term of work.

Doc, Aurora never mentioned anything like that during the time we dated. My guess is that she didn't want to screw up what she found in me. Anyway, I said "How exactly can I be your boyfriend if you're not here?" She said we could see each other every six weeks or so because she'll be flying back.

It seems like Aurora really wants to continue with me, but what should I do? Your book says no long-distance relationships. I like Aurora and want this to continue. 

Levi - who's baffled by what happened

Hi Levi,

It's good that you talked just a little to Aurora on the telephone. You're not supposed to talk a lot on the phone, so you got off to the right start here. Like a good salesman you went straight for the close and asked her to dinner. And that's what you're supposed to do.

Likewise, it's excellent that you showed up to the restaurant looking your best. Lots of guys show up in jeans or worse to a first date, which is a no-no. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You don't want to go courtin' when you look like you just got through workin' in the barn." To you Psych majors, you always want to overdress for the first date.

But you don't ask a girl if she wants to go out with you. You ask her if she can make it to taste some wine and have dinner. Then you tell her what time you'll pick her up. That's it. You take charge and give her no wiggle room.

When Aurora sprang on you that she was decamping for a year to work in Europe, that's when you should have said "Since you're going to be gone for a year, let's put this thing on hold." Think about it, Levi. This woman is going to take off for a year and ice your entire dating life for that same amount of time. Look at what you're giving up, pal. All of a sudden you're supposed to sit home and do nothing? You've only been out with this woman five times. Now she wants to stop your love life for one whole year. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "What do you get out of it?"

On the other hand, you shouldn't be too hard on Aurora for the way this happened. Maybe she didn't broach the subject of leaving because when you started dating she didn't know that she would like you, and so there was no need to bring it up. Plus it was a heavy subject, so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt on this one.

She's offered to fly back every six weeks to see you. If you had been going with this woman for six or eight months, this would make a difference - in fact, it would make a lot of difference. But you've only gone out with Aurora a few times. You haven't even gotten to 10 or 12 dates, so you basically don't even know her. Getting to 10 or 12 dates with a babe is really the first plateau in a relationship, as you know from reading my book. You're not anywhere near it yet.

What should you do now? You have to tell Aurora "No thank you." Tell her that when she gets back in a year and if you're still available and she's available, you will date. But in the meantime too many things can happen. Aurora can meet a guy overseas who can get time in with her while you're here twiddling your thumbs waiting for her. No, this isn't a good deal at all for you. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "You have to withdraw your offer."

Levi, this is why my program says NO LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. All of the reasons are right here in your predicament. This woman would be tying up your life and you don't have enough time in with her to commit to this type of arrangement. If she wants to come by and see you every six weeks, that's fine, but you're going to date other women and not be her boyfriend.

Remember, guys: if you don't see her, you'll never own her heart.

ADVANCED SYSTEM CLASS

2/25/11

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

That was the title of a Clash song.  What does a punk band that achieved success primarily in the 70's and 80's have to do with THE SYSTEM?  Well, it's not the band but the line "Should I stay or should I go" that should get the attention of SYSTEM guys.  It's something you should ask yourself before you commit to a relationship- should I stay or should I go?

Too many times guys rush into rejection.  When you listen to your feelings and ego, it clouds your thinking and judgment, never good.

Remember guys, you're looking for a life-long partner; this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Your feelings and ego say "move in with her now, why wait for marriage?"  The thinking and judgment part of THE SYSTEM says "moving in with her kills CHALLENGE."

What happens if you move in and you come to the conclusion that you're not in love with her, but she's pregnant?  It happens.  That's 18 years of support, that child is yours.

Think guys, think, take it slow. 

I remember a story about a college football player (a quarterback).  He throws an interception at the end of a game and his team lost.  On the following Monday he went out to get a haircut at the local barbershop. Well, he was waiting to get his haircut and one of the guys sitting by him said:  "Son, you didn't have to throw that interception Saturday- if you had looked downfield, the tight end was open."  The barber popped up, turned to the young quarterback, and said:  "No, no, you should have run the ball; the field was wide open down the left side."  Then two other guys chimed in and a big argument ensued.  The young quarterback got up, went to the door, opened it and before he left he said:  "All of you are right, the tight end was open and I could have run, but, guys, I didn't have the whole weekend to think about it. 

That young quarterback had a split-second to make his mind up.  He made the wrong decision (it's understandable), he didn't have the luxury of a lot of time.

Fortunately when it comes to dating and relationships, you do have a lot of time before you have to make what could be life-changing decisions.  Guys, get to know her, it will make the question "Should I stay or should I go" easy-  see THE SYSTEM.

Until next week, thank you for your support.

Jeff and I appreciate it.

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