Hey Doc,
I'm stuck in an open relationship.
Holly and I started dating a few months ago. We act like a married couple, but we both have other partners who we get romantic with. I want to be exclusive with Holly, but she says that she can't allow it because she could never provide me with what I want. She says she would rather be friends with me and not break my heart if we got into an exclusive relationship because she cares too much about me as a person.
Holly says that she is not attracted to me, but she calls me cute and never hesitates to get romantic with me. We don't kiss or sit next to each other or hold hands or anything like that. We even go to other rooms when we call the other people we date. She doesn't let her friends know that she's with me much of the time, but they know whom to call when they can't find her.
Since we spend a lot of time together, Holly leaves her things at my place. Her friends tell her that I am one of the best guys she's ever dated. What I can say for her is that she takes care of me when I'm broke, feeling down, or if I just want someone to be there. I don't interfere with the other guys she dates, but when I tried dating two other women recently, she made sure to undermine the relationships.
Doc, what I need to know is whether I'm dating someone who is confused, or if I have the foundation for a long-term relationship with Holly. I'm tired of being called Holly's boyfriend when I'm not. I've fallen for this woman and can't back off.
Lowell - who feels like he's starting to go crazy
Hi Lowell,
Straight out of the chute, when you utter the words "open relationship," I smell a BIG RAT. What the heck do you mean by an open relationship? Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, "An open relationship means NO relationship."
When you tell me that you and Holly both get romantic with other people,
you're verifying the fact you two are not having a monogamous relationship, which is my specialty. Dude, if your relationship is not monogamous, then you and Holly have a huge problem. Because like my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love says, "If there are more than two of you involved in a romance, somebody is always going to get jealous or bruised." To you Psych majors, this type of situation is dangerous and by definition invites someone mired in the mess to get jealous or hurt - which they have a right to be.
When Holly told you that she could never provide you with what you need, she was coming straight out and saying that she couldn't satisfy you and you refused to listen to her. The name of this column is WOMEN DON'T LIE -- MEN DON'T LISTEN. Check it, Lowell. This is a perfect example of my principles at work.
Holly doesn't care "too much" about you as a person. You're deluded here. It's just the opposite, pal - she cares too little about you. What she's telling you indirectly is that she has LOW INTEREST LEVEL in you. If she cared too much about you, she would be wildly in love with you and all over you and you alone. And that's definitely not the case here. You're mixing up "caring" with what happens in a romantic relationship. Holly is just using Womanese to keep you happy.
What's more, Holly has told you that she is not attracted to you. The first principle of "The System" is that you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test. Apparently you're not familiar with my materials, buddy.
This babe might get romantic with you on occasion, but like my cousin Rabbi Love says, "You might have her body once in a while, but you don't have her heart." You have to win the woman's heart to have a true romantic relationship with her. Of course you don't kiss Holly or hold hands with her because if you did she'd be your girlfriend, which she's not.
Now get this straight. You're NOT dating Holly, no matter what she tells her friends. She's lying to you, Lowell. Dating implies a romantic relationship. Holly doesn't have a romantic relationship with you. Like my Uncle Jethro Love says, "You're like a little brother to this gal." All the things that Holly does for you, like giving you money and hanging around you when you're lonely, have nothing to do with a romantic relationship. None of her alleged generosity is coming from her being a Giver in a romantic relationship. And if she undermines your other dates, all it means is that she's a sick puppy, just like you are.
One more thing. Holly isn't confused about anything at all, guy. YOU are the one who's confused. This vixen knows exactly what she's up to. She has a different agenda from you and you refuse to admit that her Interest Level in you is less than 50%. You might be her little brother or her best friend, but Holly has ZERO romantic interest in you. As far as a foundation for a long-term relationship is concerned, you're dreaming, my friend.
You might be tired of being called Holly's boyfriend when you're not, but that's what you're going to be called for the rest of your life - maybe longer. If you've fallen for Holly and can't back off, you've put your finger on exactly what your problem is: no Self-Control. You'd better develop some fast if you don't want to go over the edge on account of this babe.
Remember, guys: if you have her mixed up with someone who cares, you're wasting your time.
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Keep yourself as sharp as possible. Doc and Jeff Stevens have a lot of information out there that is summarized in the dating women links section of the site! Click here to check them out.
ADVANCED SYSTEM CLASS
7/7/11
Assistants, Understudies and Backup Quarterbacks
Assistants? It could be an assistant manager at a restaurant or department store. The manager isn't there so the assistant takes over.
An understudy? You've seen the movies or Broadway plays where the star can't make it for the performance so they turn to the understudy.
Backup quarterbacks? If the starting quarterback gets hurt (or isn't playing well) the coach puts in the backup.
Obvious stuff. They're learning and preparing to take the next step. Some of them will make it, some will remain backups.
I remember Fran Tarkenton, the great NFL quarterback (played for the Minnesota Vikings from 1961 to 1978) saying- "A lot of fans think the best quarterback is sitting on the bench, that is until he goes in and throws a couple of interceptions."
If backups are going to step up and be number one, they will have to do it on their own abilities and establish their own identities.
When it comes to dating and relationships, THE SYSTEM says if you're in a relationship and you're not number one, you're the backup; it's never good.
You will never be number one in any woman's life until you recognize and understand why you're a backup.
Read THE SYSTEM fifteen times, when you're not sure of something go back and read that segment again. There's no way a SYSTEM guy would accept being a backup. What most guys don't get is her INTEREST LEVEL cuts through everything.
When she thinks of you as her backup, you're finished. Oh, she'll use WOMANESE to keep you around if her number one guy isn't there. If he shows up? You're gone.
You SYSTEM guys know all women have an "A list" and a "backup list." All women. I will say it over and over, avoid being the backup.
Assistants, understudies and backup quarterbacks can go from second to first. In a relationship, you can never go from second to first if you're her back up. Move on guys, move on.
Until next week, thanks for all your support.
Jeff and I appreciate it.
