Talking with Teens: Part 1 

For the final topic of the series, we are talking about communication: Implicit and explicit; from our mouths and from our bodies; messages sent and messages received. Since we’re in the business of relationships, everything we have discussed in the past three topics gives us information that can be directly translated into guidance around communication. This time, however, we’re going to drill into specifics and break up the information into what’s most relevant to coaches and what’s most relevant to parents. Let’s start with what’s relevant for everyone everywhere.

In the Face of Hard Stuff

We all hold the role of trusted adult for so many young athletes, and that gives us the distinct honor of hearing what’s going on in their lives. As humans, the price of admission is pain and suffering of all kinds along with the guarantee that things will be hard and occasionally go sideways. Our teens are all somewhere along their journey of learning this lesson, and it is how we handle their sharing of the hard, emotional moments that help them learn how to navigate through both their internal world and their external environment.

The first thing we need to remind ourselves of is the amount of courage it takes to show up and share what’s going on in a moment of pain, sadness, or hardship. We all know from experience, it’s an inherently vulnerable place to be, and more often than not there is some form of shame or blame that’s along for the ride. I recognize that “hard stuff” is a very broad category of potential situations our young athletes may present with, so we’re going to stick to the real fundamentals here in regards to what’s best practice for us in these moments. Honor the nuances of the situation and the unique personality of the young athlete, but keep the ideas below in the front of your mind.

1.     Recognize your own discomfort. In order to show up for someone else who is struggling, we first need to be aware of how we are impacted. A stress response of our own may cause us to behave and speak in ways that are ultimately not helpful for the athlete in front of us. Commonly we feel the pull to fix whatever the problem is not only to alleviate their pain but also to alleviate our own discomfort.

2.     Resist the advice trap. Our pull to give advice often comes from a real honest desire to help. Despite our good intentions, our advice regularly has a demotivating or overwhelming impact on the person in front of us. It also comes with the subliminal message, You don’t have the capacity to fix this on your own, so I’m going to step in and help you. Our best efforts often have the unintentional effect of robbing them of agency rather than the empowerment and strength we are hoping to inspire. It positions us as the expert and them as the person who needs helping. I’m not saying advice is never warranted, but helping someone dig into their own feelings and experiences and come up with their own solutions is almost always more impactful.

3.     Ask questions. Honest questions that come from a place of curiosity and care, not loaded questions that come with undercover judgment. Asking questions not only shows interest and genuine compassion, it allows you to gather more information. It also allows your athlete the opportunity to explore the situation, organize what’s going on inside them, and articulate their thoughts and emotions. If our natural tendency isn’t to be curious, we might be falling into the trap of relying on our own life experiences to understand theirs – leaning too heavily on our naturally biased assumptions.

4.     Listen with the intent to hear and understand. This may sound rather obvious, but most of the time, most of us listen with the intent to respond – we are planning out what we’re going to say while the other person is talking, and we’re waiting for them to stop so we can speak our part. When we do this, we cut off our own ability to understand the situation and empathize with the person in front of us. We have shifted the focus from them to us. When our intention is to truly hear and understand, we become present with them, we ensure they remain the focus of the conversation, and we open up the door to a much wider variety of potential responses.

5.     Being matters more than doing. We’ve already covered how natural it is to feel pulled to give advice or ask a question, but sometimes, what an athlete really needs is for us to simply be there with them. Sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is listen, validate their emotions, and allow them to feel their feelings. Jumping into ‘fix it’ mode and trying to move an athlete away from the hard stuff too quickly, doesn’t give them the opportunity to learn they have the strength to handle it, to feel fully, and to come out the other side intact. Allowing them to lean into their experience often means we need to resist the human urge to do, and simply be with them.

6.     It’s not okay right now, but it will be. Defaulting to the “It’s okay” mantra is typically not helpful. It invalidates all of the feelings your athlete is having that are telling them “It’s not okay.” It might be working to ease our own discomfort more than theirs. It’s okay for things not to be okay right now, and it’s okay for them to be feeling however it is they are feeling. But we know feelings are temporary – they come and they go. This too shall pass. They have what it takes to weather the storm.

7.     Remind them you’re on their team. Recognize the courage it took for them to express themselves, thank them for being brave enough to talk to you about it, and remind them you are there for support as they continue to navigate through the hard stuff.

What About the Good News?

While the conversation above is probably one we are quite familiar with, this is one that happens much less often. What about those moments of pure joy and excitement? The importance of our responses here is seriously underrated. It may be argued that these moments actually hold more weight in determining the strength of the relationship than the moments when we’re tasked with responding to the hard stuff. Time to turn our focus from constructive communication in negative contexts to constructive communication in the context of something wonderful!

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