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All of the above or maybe there's a softer, spiritual way.
Recently readers of this newsletter have asked about how to “let go” of past experiences and indeed there are many ways in which you can rebuild your sense of self or obliterate it. But today let’s take an unconventional approach to whole health happiness.
One of the most mind-twisting options simply is to forgive yourself.
I know, right? Like pin the rap on yourself? “How is that helpful, Carole Ann?” I hear you say. And I agree.
What kind of kangaroo court justice for the soul is that? “I am guilty, your honour, for loving, trusting and completely investing my heart in someone/something that has gone and done the dirty on me” – doesn’t really add succor.
More like sucker punches to your sore psyche.
Why we must forgive ourselves
The sad fact is people do disappoint, let you down, break promises, lie, play fast and loose and with a loaded hand with your heart and life and that enlightened apology you are waiting for, with all bets in, will never come. To heal properly we must take responsibility for who we were in the relationship or situation at that time.
A rotter is a rotter, it’s not that complicated and neither are they. But this pain and grievance is about you and who you were being in order to make it a fertile place for bad things to happen.
What did you allow or ignore? How sturdy were your boundaries? What need was driving you - to be loved/liked/thought well of/needed/respected/taken seriously/rescued? It’s time to see what part you may have played to be free of painful regrets.
It’s about no longer living with guilt, self-disgust and low self-esteem but taking responsibility for our vulnerability.
Time to Put a Comforting Arm Around Your Own Shoulders
Sometimes during difficult periods, we abandon ourselves by leaving behind who we really are to make things right, tolerable or to get through a life trauma.
Signs of Self-Abandonment
- Not having healthy boundaries
- Not defending ourselves, our needs and wants
- Overcommitting
- Seeking external validation
- Silencing your own voice
- Tolerating the unacceptable hoping things will change
- Loving without a safety net
- Losing your moral compass
- Feeling co-erced into behaviour you now regret
- Venting and feeling out of control
- Confused and paranoid
- Living on nerves
- Saying “yes” to things you don’t like
- Aiming to please to the point of self-annihilation
- Feeling lost but unable to move
- Ignoring reality and favoring wishful thinking
- Forgiving or ignoring abuse because …
- Feeling numbed out
- Hiding your true self to fit in or be liked
- Never feeling “enough”
Shake hands with you - embrace your humanity.
The doom list above is what happens when we abandon ourselves. Maybe it harks back to a childhood where you tolerated abuse or neglect to survive or fit in. Wherever it came from it’s time to heal. This is where a deep compassion for self is needed. Give yourself a cashmere hug and forgive yourself your frailties and faults, the moments you weren’t strong enough or didn’t feel you were good enough. Give love to that wounded person who was not their best self and who did their best despite the circumstances. They still need support and your kindness.
Know that wisdom is the golden nugget of healed pain.
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