We are all fascinated by excuses. Whether they are from government leaders, corporate executives, Hollywood celebrities or teams eliminated from the playoffs, we frequently talk about excuses.

We we actually do more than that. We judge the excuses and drop them into two categories: valid explanations or flimsy attempts to pass the blame. We all do it, but have you ever wondered why we do it and how we categorize them? Or more importantly, how others see our excuses?

I was told that excuses were for beginners and losers by a college student, who may have never realized how and what he taught his supervisor many years ago, in a long gone restaurant visible from Fenway Park.

I've never forgotten the lesson although I've fallen short of its ideals many times. My memories, the thoughts and lessons I learned follow. You might need a mirror to finish the story.

One day when I was managing a restaurant years ago, a part-time shift manager-college student taught me a lesson I’ve never forgotten. His name is Carlton Knox.

It was a pay day and when he received his check it was wrong. It was short by a couple of hours, and that meant it was short a lot of money to a college kid. He confronted me about it. I apologized for the error, gave him an explanation and maybe indicated that I had must have had a problem reading his timecard and told him I’d add the hours and the money it to his next check. I turned to walk away. As I did he stared at me and said:

I was taken aback! (Another phrase I’ve always wanted to use in a sentence). I mumbled something else, not sure what, and apologized again. I might even have pulled the amount out of my pocket and offered it to him, I don't remember, but he stomped off, not ready to join my fan club at all.

I thought about his comment long and hard. I was certainly not a beginner, so apparently I was a loser, at least based on the evidence? From his perception, he didn't care which I was because I had impacted his wallet.

Looking back, it changed my approach. Evidence of that is I’m repeating the quote decades later, I remember his name and I’ve shared this story with teams throughout that time. All of us know that sticks and stones may break our bones, but words can have a bigger impact.  

Think about a teacher, mentor, supervisor, or partner who said to you ‘that’s an excuse.’ How did that make you feel? See, calling each other out for 'excuses' it is one of the ultimate judgements people pass on each other, and it doesn't feel very good.

Excuses are for beginners and losers, Carlton told me, and we generally don't want to be considered in either category, ever. So how do we avoid excuses? Well, the first step is probably understanding the difference between an ‘excuse’ and an ‘explanation.’

It turns out that, just like beauty, the difference is in the eye of the beholder. An ‘excuse’ and an ‘explanation’ can be the same thing with the same words just viewed from different perspectives. In fact, the definition of ‘excuse’ at Dictionary.com includes the word ‘explanation.’

Most of us live in a double standard world when it comes to excuses and that could be because of human nature.

and to judge others based on their Actions.

Some familiar examples?

It’s almost like every time we are sharing why something didn't happen as anticipated, that it comes with a checkbox where the listener can check one.

___EXCUSE

___EXPLANATION

Interestingly enough, whether a reason is viewed as an excuse or an explanation by someone else comes down to their value judgement of the quality and scope of the excuse. Think about these explanations/excuses for the same level of tardiness:

When we hear it, we judge it.

And we all regularly use phrases like these to mitigate our excuse/explanation:

These are go-to words when we are probably judging ourselves by our intentions. But by doing so, we are likely making and accepting excuses from ourselves. The reason? These are all behavior excusing phrases, and the kinds of phrases used by, you guessed it, beginners, and losers.

When we don’t make excuses, we get more things done more often, and are a little better at judging ourselves in a manner similar to how others judge us: by actions. Excuses can pop into our heads just before failure or realization that we are not going to hit the goal we wanted or expected.

Our typical first reaction sometimes is ‘it couldn’t be me.’ Our last reaction is to hold up a mirror. Maybe holding up the mirror first could save everyone a lot of time? Hard to do sometimes.

Here’s an example to illustrate the difference between intentions and actions.

Let’s say that you had a friend with a serious cut that you had bandaged to stop the bleeding but needed to get him or her to a hospital or urgent care facility right away, but when you arrived it was closed. What would you do?

There are only two choices: go home or find another facility. And if you kept going, and that next facility was closed, what would you do?

There are only two choices: go home or find another facility. Some people would keep going until they found a facility open, others would say, I tried, I wanted to, I intended to, I meant to. Sorry, pal. All these are words that ‘excuse’ the behavior of not delivering the goal of better treatment. Why they were all closed is another matter.

But what if you are a beginner? It is best to let those that will be judging you know. You don’t have to shout it or wear a sign, but maybe both can work depending on the situation. When I ran a restaurant company, I had all first-week servers wear a button that said: “I’M TRAINING AND I’M TRYING” and it was incredible how the customers were empathetic to them. If they had worn a button that said "I'M THE BEST SERVER IN AMERICA,' I don't think the empathy would be as high for an error.

Of course, I never posted a sign that said, “THE KITCHEN HELP IS TRAINING AND TRYING, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FOOD.” That would have been overkill. You probably can’t say “I’m training and I’m trying’ in your role, because it is not true.

So, if you are not a beginner and not a loser, what are we?

A producer. We produce results. In fact, we were hired or promoted or assigned of were born into a role where we are expected to get results. If we don’t, we might want to consider the fact that we might be exhibiting beginner behavior or loser behavior because both categories don’t know how to get it done.

If we have a reputation or image as a producer or someone who delivers, when we give an 'explanation' for the occasional non-delivered item, we are more likely to be judged as providing an explanation rather than making an excuse. If we don't have that credibility because of past performance or newness, then Carlton is right.

Moral of the Story: Don't expect everyone else to be as easy on you as you are.

The next time you give an explanation/excuse, think about the fact that excuses are for beginners and losers and judge yourself based on your actions, not intentions and you will do better.

If you are reading this on a social media platform, click below and you'll automatically receive a 'different' story every week on Wednesday.

Sign Up for the Wednesday Weblog