Friends, relatives or colleagues of abusers often ask Emerge for advice on how they can talk to an abuser about his situation. Typically, these individuals have not learned about the abuse in the form of a direct confession. Instead, this information usually comes from the abused partner or from another person. Even if the abuser discloses the abuse, it is often not an acknowledgment of responsibility but a complaint about the situation (for example, the partner asking the abuser to leave his home).

Often, teachers and coaches ask how they should talk with their students about allegations of abuse. How and whether they talk to the abuser should depend upon two factors: who revealed the abuse to them and that person's wishes. If the source of information is the victim, it is especially important to respect her wishes. Does she want any information disclosed to the abuser? If so, how does she want it to be discussed? Even when the information comes directly from the abuser, how one responds is influenced by a variety of factors. For instance, how well a person knows the abuser, whether he or she is a friend or relative of the victim, and his or her level of comfort in discussing the problem with the abuser all affect the person's response to such information.  

Sometimes, in peer leadership programs, individuals seek training on how to have effective conversations with abusers. Some of these are community-based peer leadership programs that are charged with training peer leaders to address violence of all kinds. Some are church-based programs for lay counselors who must address any problem that arises among their parishioners. Others are school-based or youth-based programs that are specifically geared toward addressing dating and domestic violence among their target population. Emerge provides training on how to best motivate abusers to seek help for their behavior. In these trainings we include the results from research that we've conducted about excuse-making strategies of abusers.

In addition to providing tips for how to respond to these common excuses, we sometimes facilitate role plays with peer leaders so that individuals can gain experience and confidence in responding to such excuses. We point out two extreme responses which may actually aggravate or reinforce the abuser's behavior. One extreme is to antagonize the abuser by acting in a confrontational or aggressive manner. Though interveners who use this approach might believe that they have set the abuser straight, such confrontation is often counterproductive. The abuser may feel further alienated from potential sources of help and may even make the victim pay for such unpleasant encounters. The other extreme is to wittingly or unwittingly collude with the abuser by responding in a manner that actually reinforces his excuses.

Remaining silent--a response which falls somewhere in between these two extremes--may also reinforce the abuse. Many abusers may understand the silence as acceptance or even support for their actions. The following Talking Points are intended as guidelines for interveners to avoid such extremes and respond in a more constructive manner.