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I am feeling fat, ugly and abandoned.
It's not a fleeting feeling. It runs deep. As painful and dark as this feels…
part of me knows it is necessary terrain I must sit in, face and feel. Ugh.
During menopause, I put on weight.
Living through the pandemic, I gained even more weight.
After quitting smoking and having a full hysterectomy last fall,
I have now gained an additional 30 pounds. Ugh.
I am obese.
I look in the mirror and barely recognize me.
I feel fat and ugly, and very sad.
The weight is something that creeped on over time.
I blame yoga pants for not noticing at first.
I wasn't eating or doing things differently than I had the first 40 years of my life. Doctors never mentioned ways to navigate menopause or weight gain, other than saying 'eat less, move more'... which felt vague and unhelpful given my habits had not changed.
What is most upsetting is that nothing I do is helping me lose the weight.
I have tried liquid cleanses, detoxes, changes in diet and lifestyle. I lose 10 pounds, but quickly gain it back and more. I have ramped up efforts the past 6 months, cutting out fast food (which was rare) and cutting way back on sugar, bread and candy. I drink a spinach-kale smoothie every day for breakfast.
Not one pound has been lost.
I started working out 5 days a week at the end of January. I go everyday at 6am to a small gym with a coach who leads 6-8 of us in strength training (one day I do Pilates). I am super excited to wake up and go to class… which is a true miracle! I have not lost a pound. Yes, I know working out is for muscle building, not weight loss… but I thought it would move the needle a little. I also thought I would feel stronger and more energized… I do not.
Instead, I feel heavy and continually discouraged.
Recently, I felt fat-shamed by three significant people in my life. When I pointed out how their comments made me feel, they denied it was shaming, and then, they ghosted me. While, yes, I am extra sensitive about this, I'm going to speak up when something feels hurtful. 'Eat less, move more' comments are not helpful. It feels judgy and insulting. We look in the mirror everyday. We see our bodies. It is no one else's place to comment on them or our weight.
These experiences deeply hurt me.
Seeing through the spiritual psychology lens, there is a growth opportunity here. The outer is always a reflection of our internal world. Somewhere inside I am being hard on myself, judging and criticizing, thinking something is wrong with me, that I did this to myself, so I need to fix it, or I am a failure.
Yet, I am feeling completely defeated.
My doctor recently mentioned that I have an auto-immune disease called Hashimoto's. It relates to the thyroid so I am getting that checked.
What I know is my body is highly inflamed.
My nervous system is on high alert with what's going on in our country.
It has been for two years and it is taking its toll. My adrenals are shot.
Close friends share similar stories of stress and trauma surfacing. Looking around, we can see people are more disconnected, screen-addicted, agitated and cold-hearted... to numb and distract. Or they are seeing and feeling what is happening, and they are in survival and overwhelm.
My body is literally holding on for dear life.
While there are certainly physical reasons for holding onto the weight,
our psyche directly influences dis-ease in our body.
I am not shedding weight because I feel unsafe.
This block is beyond the conscious mind. So comments like 'eat less, move more' and 'stop worrying so much' are not only useless, they cut deeper.
There are healing modalities to address trauma and nervous system regulation, but all this costs money... in a tanking economy. Ugh.
Now, on to abandonment.
It is my core wound, and I am in the thick of it.
It is so painful I don't want to talk about it,
but this too is meant to be happening.
All that is not real is being stripped away.
All I am attached to must shake loose.
All that I have built up must fall.
It is shocking to see how far I have carried myself to avoid sinking into the abyss of these dark feelings. I did not know they were in here…
until I started being emptied of attachments, habits and external validation.
I’m not gonna lie… it fricking sucks.
And my Bestie, cigarettes aren't here to comfort me.
So I am sitting here, letting a crowd of sorrows sweep my house empty.
Everything I ever thought about myself is in question.
If the outer is a reflection of the inner...
Have I ever truly been lovable?
Has all of this been an act?
Does any of it matter?
Who am I without all my good vibes, you-can-do-it’s, and enthusiasm?
Who am I without lofty visions and clever ways to change the world?
Who am I without meaningful work and service and purpose?
I am a sad little girl…
who is struggling seeing the state of the world as it is.
I am the abandoned one who felt called to try and make things better, hoping to spare others from feeling so sad and lonely. I am the clever one who hoped by doing this, I could avoid feeling the depth of my own despair.
I am heartbroken that our country has come to this level of cruelty, greed and corruption. People say it has always been there, buried down deep in the shadow of humans, but for us empaths it is almost unbearable to witness.
Many of us are seeing that we are powerless to do anything now.
Surrender and trust are keys... not strong points for some
but we are learning... because we have to.
In the meantime... I'll go back to lofty visions, lol
because even though I'm in darkness, a spark of light is here.
Our hearts know...
A more beautiful world is possible.
We came here to bring this new world.
Let's vision of a world that works for everyone.
A world of awakened, loving, compassionate siblings.
A world where war, hierarchy and competition are no more.
A world overflowing with kindness, equity, diversity and inclusion.
A world where we all know our place and value in the whole soul family.
A world where honesty, integrity, vulnerability, sharing and caring lead the way.
This is the world we came from.
And it is the world we are bringing through.
Even in the darkness, the ugly, the unbearable.
An individual and collective 'decluttering' is going on.
We are being cleared out for good.
The goodness of who we are.
Be gentle and kind with adorable you.
Let me know how you are.
I love hearing from you.
In loving,
Teri Jo
PS: I share a lot about me, me, me because it feels genuine to speak from my experience. This lifetime is all about growth, expansion and expression for me, not from theory, but from lived experience. I hope these sharings support you in feeling seen, heard and valued in your experiences. I encourage you to share openly and vulnerably as your heart calls you to, as this brings us closer in our shared humanity and divinity.
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