Rafting on a 104 degree day

This past summer I posted crazy pictures of my daughter Olivia and I climbing 50 foot telephone poles, whitewater rafting, hiking, zip-lining, sleeping under the stars, cliff jumping and every other item that a person not fond of heights would reluctantly engage in. Our trip to the JH Ranch father daughter camp in northern California was exciting, exhausting, and purposeful.

Having three daughters I paid close attention to a recommendation received several years ago from colleague Pat Richie. Pat's advice of making sure I took my daughters (one at a time) to this father daughter camp, ideally when they hit middle school, was a recommendation that stuck in the back of my mind. As my two oldest approached middle school nothing significant shifted nor was there any particular wedge in our relationship. So the JH Ranch camp recommendation slowly drifted away. My relationship with each daughter, while not perfect, was perfectly fine.

I don't remember what prompted the resurfacing of JH Ranch. Perhaps it was the thought of hanging out with Olivia for an entire week or a fun road trip regardless of the destination.

But as I looked at the summer of 2013's schedule, our busy family had list of trips and commitments already booked. A mission trip for my wife and oldest daughter; a national dance competition in Orlando for Olivia; our annual family trip to the great buckeye state that my extended family has been making consecutively since 1945 (a little before my time); and, oh yes, work. Plus the location of the ranch is so far north in California that the closest airport is in Oregon. Logistics and busyness were too significant of a challenge.

Olivia ready for high ropes

Until the thought of not going became overwhelming and we found a way to make it work.

After a week of fulfilling Olivia's first love of dancing at a national competition (yes I've witness

ed the reality of "Dance Moms"), Olivia and I boarded a flight from Orlando. As we collapsed into our seats and allowed the stressful dance week to drift away, our minds shifted to arriving at the camp a day late, not knowing a single person out of the other 250 fathers and daughters awaiting us, anticipating the 104 degree temperatures forecasted for the entire week, over-thinking if my snoring will wake the other fathers in my cabin, worrying if my desk job out-of-shape body could withstand a vigorous week of nonstop activity.

Arriving on Monday, it took until Wednesday before my head was screwed on straight, and I started to appreciate what was happening. But it's amazing the adaptability of our children. Olivia, my most introverted daughter, jumped right in and made friends instantly with seven other girls her own age representing seven different states.

It's been over seven months since our trip to JH Ranch. Enough time to reflect on this experience and jot down several learnings.

Key Learnings 

• Our children remember how we make them feel long after they remember what we said.
• If we are professional providers as parents, our children will learn to become professional consumers. Said differently, if we always hand-feed our children they will struggle with independence into adulthood. When we meet all of our kid's needs they have no reason to seek God to provide for their needs.
• As our children transition from early age to a teenager you'll need to transition your parenting approach. The primary challenge is a parent's willingness to move from cop to coach, by building a new relationship with your child. If you don't move from cop to coach, the primary focus of parenting becomes submission. You may get obedience but it will be out of obligation not desire.
• As our children grow they want more freedom, but with those freedoms should come responsibilities. If those responsibilities don't grow with age they will not be prepared for life.
• God's creation was intended for our delight but never to satisfy our desire.
• God will increase our inadequacies to increase our dependencies.
• When our children don't see their parents model what they say, our children will reject what is being taught. A parent's behavior needs to reflect what they are teaching.
• If you are passionate about something your kids will model it. What are you modeling and therefore without words signifying its importance? Money, things, gadgets, excessive TV, work, vacation, reading, quiet-time, church, volunteering, service, helping others, etc.
• Shared goals and challenges bond families - not vacations, sporting events, or performances.
• God gives us children so we can feel what he feels.
• How parents wound their children:
  • Quick temper results in fear
  • Workaholic / physically or emotionally absent results in insecurity
  • Performance-oriented parenting results in never living up to expectations

Dating and Future Relationships 

• As fathers we can't disengage from our daughter's eventual leaving the nest and interest in a romantic relationship. We can set our daughter up for success in choosing a mate. After all, the likelihood of our daughter's getting married is extremely high and rather than using the slightly funny shotgun storyline, we need to make sure her future relationship is healthy.
• If you as her father tell little white lies your daughter will marry someone who does the same and likely have childr

  Morning of Olivia's 12th birthday - at JH Ranch

  en who do the same. Whatever we do in moderation our children will do in excess. The way a daughter treats her father is how she will treat her husband. Your daughter will marry the type of person she dates.
• With the amount of love, time, and energy you have invested in your daughter along with everyone else who has invested in her - her mother, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, tutors, dance instructors, coaches, preachers, youth leaders, scout troop leaders, small group leaders, etc. - you are not going to let just anyone whisk her away. But the cop parent's advice falls on deaf ears while the coach parent's advice has a chance of sinking in.
• Our children's future happiness is connected to their choice of mate.
• When it comes to dating, girls, not boys, have their feet on the throttle or brake.
• If your daughter gets involved in a relationship you don't agree with, don't do anything that shuts off the line of communication. She will know if you've given up on her and will spend the rest of her life bouncing between gaining your approval and trying to prove you wrong.
• People fall in love with personality, but marry their character. We fall in love with all the stuff on the outside, but need to know more about what's on the inside. Your daughter needs to find someone who is more in love with God than her.  

And my number one take-a-way: I am as close to God as I choose to be. I am as close to my daughter as a I choose to be.

Do You Have a Daughter?

If you have a daughter between the age 12 to 18 you need to go to JH Ranch.

Yes it's expensive - but there are ways to make it work - just ask.

Yes it's in the middle of nowhere - but the scenery is postcard perfect.

Yes your summer plans are as crazy as I described - that will likely change after your daughter leaves the nest - but it will be too late by that point.

Yes God is in attendance and that may not be your thing - then you and your daughter can focus on your relationship with each other.

Yes you'll have to use up vacation time from work - employers don't allow you to carry it over anyhow.

Yes your wife wants to know why there isn't a program for her to attend - there are mother/son, mother/daughter, father/son among other camps to attend. 

Yes you are a bit concerned of the high adrenaline camp activities - so was I. I still don't like heights but there's nothing like facing that fear alongside your daughter.

Yes, your body is a bit out of shape - have you seen a picture of me lately?

My relationship with Olivia is forever stronger. But the sad part is that I will likely never have this type of focused 1x1 - fully dedicated time with Olivia again. That thought is more difficult than any of the objections I struggled with prior to attending. So powerful that in the summer of 2014 my oldest daughter and I are attending the same camp. Then in 2018 I'll get to attend with my third and youngest daughter.

A great week at JH Ranch