Mediation Musings: Stay in Your Lane

Sara Barnes 

You know about lanes. The remarkable thing about street lanes is that they are understood, respected, and effective for drivers as we all go about our lives. People stay in their lanes without a whole lot of fuss and bother. We count on lanes to keep things simple, safe, and predictable.

I’ve been asking mediators I meet lately about the concept of a mediation lane. One recounted a lawyer instructing him that what he was doing was “not mediation” ––the mediator had brought a hypothetical solution forward––and “you’re not supposed to suggest anything.” Another mediator recalled a client who clearly was looking for therapeutic support saying, “You’re supposed to ask me how I feel––and just so you know, I feel angry.” A recent workshop had a mediator leave halfway through, sending me a message that the focus of the meeting, including mediators summarizing what clients said, was not mediation. “I’ve been a mediator for a long time. The only thing I’m allowed to do is ask questions.”

Our work is built on the ancient practice of the third person taking the neutral role. Yet mediation, as an organized, funded, researched, and established field, is a relatively new professional practice. Now, as we look at the result of 50-plus years, it’s great to see we’ve come a long way in creating shared norms and values. We’ve got lanes . . . ish.

Mediators, Therapists, and Lawyers

When mediators refer to staying within in lane boundaries, in my experience they are usually referring to two other professional lanes that are generally adjacent. These are the lawyer lane and the therapist lane.

Even those without formal training in psychology can find themselves taking on the therapist role—they may have been in therapy themselves, and/or they are more familiar with it due to popular cultural references. An overly simplistic way to sort the two roles out is that therapy is about psychological past patterns, to gain understanding. Mediation is about conflict resolution, looking to plan into the future.

If a mediator is an attorney, they have the difficult task of setting their intensive law training aside and focusing on the decision-making capacity of the parties. Overall, though, mediators are not supposed to give legal advice. As neutrals we cannot simultaneously be multi-partial, which is what mediators do, while zealously advancing the interest of both clients, which is what lawyers do.

I had the idea to search for songs with the phrase “stay in your lane.” I found almost 20 songs. Core themes were:

1. don’t mess with my romantic partner.

2. keep plugging and working hard and you will be successful.

3. the micro culture I live in is great, and other others are not. STAY IN YOUR LANE!

The way the phrase “stay in your lane” is used in these songs has helped me to figure out how it fits with mediation practice. I’ve come up with a parallel construction.

1. Don’t mess with giving legal advice or therapeutic analysis; stay being a mediator.

2. Put strong effort and your whole attention into the work and you will become a better mediator.

3. We are developing cultural expectations for mediators and, well, I can’t make a parallel here for good reason––our work is great and necessary—and so are other professional roles. It’s a collaborative endeavor, not a competitive team sport.

There are lanes.

For a longer version, including the stay in your lane playlist, read here.

LEARN ABOUT ALL THE SERVICES WE PROVIDE

• Youth Mediation
• Family and Divorce Mediation Program––PMP
• Housing Mediation
• Civil Court / Small Claims
• Re-Entry Program
• Workplace Conflict Mediation and Management
• Facilitation Services
• Local Consumer Advocacy
• Agricultural Mediation
• Conflict Coaching
• Financial Conflict Coaching
• Elderly and Aging Mediation
• Classes, Workshops, Seminars, and Training Programs

Check out our WEBSITE for details.

Community Programs [email protected] or call 508-693-2999

Housing Program [email protected] or call 508-693-2199

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Family and Divorce Mediation

Nancy Grundman

We tried to do it ourselves, but it was too overwhelming!

Why is it so easy to get married and so difficult to get divorced?

In my role as the Family and Divorce Program Coordinator, I hear statements like these from individuals reaching out to MV Mediation. I speak to each person individually to explain what mediation all is about. We work with unmarried as well as married couples who want to separate or divorce, and also those who want to work out conflicts using reconciliation, new parenting plans, and communication improvement.

Family and Divorce mediation is a voluntary, confidential, and flexible process in which a neutral mediator assists disputing partners to come to mutually acceptable solutions. It provides a structured approach to minimize the friction that may be present during spousal/partner conversations. Mediation creates a nonconfrontational atmosphere that encourages participants to put their best foot forward when presenting their thoughts and concerns to each other. Many of our family/divorce cases begin with sessions to negotiate various immediate matters or concerns. Often participants are not completely sure where they want to start. The mediators can help them to make a plan together.

Mediation employs the use of a neutral and impartial third party—a mediator—to help the parties reach an acceptable agreement. Mediators do not act as attorneys—they guide the parties through conflict and negotiations. Our mediators are Massachusetts qualified and have specialized training to help with the journey through divorce in Massachusetts. They are trained to be neutral and impartial and to work to create an unbiased atmosphere for productive conflict resolution and agreement.

MV Mediation is part of the Massachusetts Office of Public Collaboration’s Parent Mediation Program. This is a program for parents who are no longer cohabitating. Parents discuss how to best arrange their ongoing co-parenting agreements. Through grant funding, there is no cost for up to four hours of mediation when discussing parenting plans, child access, and visitation issues. We have an extremely high success rates in our Family and Divorce Program. After they complete the mediation process with MV Mediation, it warms our hearts when participants reach out to let us know, “We could not have done it without you.”

Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation

Comes Through for the Youth Program

MV Mediation is pleased to announce a $2,500 grant from the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation to support the Youth Mediation Program and Peace Curriculum. The Peace Curriculum, developed by Executive Director Sara Barnes, is a 10-week conflict resolution and positive communication program designed to teach conflict resolution to the students of Martha’s Vineyard. Using integrative and hands-on activities, students learn to apply skills to resolve conflict in their day-to-day lives.

In the 2023–24 school year, MV Mediation is looking to work with all third graders on Martha’s Vineyard. Some schools are including older grades as well. Current teaching staff includes Kiki Homer, Kim D’Arcy, and Coordinator Gail Gardner. So far this year, the program is in the Edgartown, Oak Bluffs, and Chilmark Schools, as well as the Martha’s Vineyard Public Charter School, serving over 400 students in grades 2 through 8. Students participate in games, stories, role playing, and other age-appropriate activities. The Peace Curriculum approach is meant to enhance and augment core Responsive Classroom Practices in elementary and middle school levels and Restorative Practices for high school. New this year is the addition of a classroom poster and toolbox for each classroom teacher which is designed to reinforce the core concepts, which are: Conflict, Feelings, Put-Ups and Put-Downs, Belonging, Perspective, Peaceful Communication, Effective Listening, Calming the Conflict, Win-Win, and Peace.

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is grateful to the Martha’s Vineyard Bank Charitable Foundation for its generous support. To learn more about this valuable program, as well as Martha’s Vineyard Mediation’s other services, please visit www.mvmediation.org. 

UPCOMING COURSES

People who take our courses say that their professional and personal lives improve. We offer a variety of themes designed to help you manage conflict better. Our Spring lineup of courses is coming soon. Workplace Conflict Management Cohort and Conflict Resolution Essentials begin on February 7th and 8th, respectively. Intro to Mediation begins in April and Conflict Coaching will be next September. Click here for a complete Schedule at a Glance.

“MV Mediation has great courses! You should learn with them. Great people, and I had fun.”  

––One of our participants, after taking two courses

Upcoming Events

• January 31st: Application Deadline for the American Arbitration Association’s A. Leon Higginbotham, Jr. Fellows Program
• February 1st, 8:30–10am: ACR-GNY Roundtable Breakfast Discussion, “Exploring Different Roles during the Mediation Process”
• February 1st, 2–3:30 pm: Non Profit Quarterly (NPQ) presents “A New Framework for Boards”
• February 8th, 5:30–7pm: Massachusetts Bar Association––“Making the Case for Restorative Justice as an Alternate Disposition”
• February 14th, 12–1:30pm: Academy of Professional Family Mediators presents “Split-Up: The TEEN Years––Leveraging the Power of Children's Perspectives in Co-Parenting Mediation”
• February 28th, 12–1pm: Working on DEI with your Board of Directors
• February 29th, 4–6pm: Massachusetts Bar Association and Trial Court Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion meeting––“Taking Steps to Address Barriers to Diversity, Equity and Inclusion in Dispute Resolution” 
• March 6th, 2pm: Save the Date: Massachusetts Trial Court virtual meeting with mediators and conciliators 
• March 13th, 12–1pm: “The State of Well-Being in the Social Sector”

This month’s links for your reading, listening, and viewing pleasure:

Listening:

• Which of the 5 types of listening do you use most often?
• Characteristics of effective listening
• 11 types of active listening techniques to practice

Handling Emotions:

• The connection between conflict and emotions
• Mediators’ perception of emotions
• The role of emotional intelligence and conflict resolution in the corporate world

Communicating:

• Ask the right question
• Skills and habits to practice and develop to communicate better
• Learn how to boost your negotiating power

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

Wednesdays at 4pm––all are welcome to join.

Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243

• 1.24.24 Tips––working with your co-mediator
• 1.31.24 DEI––gender language document
• 2.7.24 Meet our terrific mediator––TBD
• 2.14.24 Conflict Coaching Check-in
• 2.21.24 Facilitation Check-in 
• 2.28.24 Tips—When an agreement comes back after the mediation session
• 3.6. 24 DEI—Harvard implicit bias tests revisited
• 3.13.24 Meet our amazing mediator—TBD
• 3.20.24 Conflict Coaching Check-in

Family and Divorce Mediators

• We are offering a course on family, divorce, and juvenile mediation on Mondays 4–6pm from March 11 to April 15, 2024. Click here for more information.

Why I Mediate

“I like the complexity of the process and the satisfaction when parties come to a well-defined agreement. Mediation appeals to my sense of fairness and justice.”

––David Ross, Mediator

DEIJ+B: DIVERSITY, EQUITY, INCLUSION,

JUSTICE + BELONGING

CONFLICT COACHING SERVICES

It can help you. Not therapy. Not advice. 

So, what is Conflict Coaching?

Ready to conquer personal challenges and emerge stronger in 2024? Our one-on-one Conflict Coaching is for you. Our experienced coaches will empower you with the skills to navigate conflicts, find resolution, and pave the way for personal growth. Why choose our Individual Conflict Coaching?

•  Personalized Guidance: Tailored strategies to address your unique challenges.
•  Self-Discovery: Explore your strengths and areas for development in a supportive environment.
•  Transformative Solutions: Overcome obstacles and build resilience for a brighter future.
•  Confidence Booster: Gain the tools to face conflicts head-on and develop potential options for resolution.

Make your appointment today!

AGRICULTURAL MEDIATION

Martha’s Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/aquacultural businesses, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost through USDA funding. We work with farms in Dukes, Barnstable, Bristol, and Plymouth Counties. Our brochure is here; please pass it on to those who may need these services.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Conflict with a Tenant or Landlord?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

[email protected] or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals (pre-release) and recently released individuals (post-release). For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton, and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMP offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate, and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations, and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

––A recent facilitation client

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn. This month we focus on stress awareness and its connection to unresolved conflicts. As always, don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in our daily lives. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops, and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thanks to all our donors who participated in MV Mediation’s Annual Appeal. We will make use of your contributions wisely. We really appreciate your generosity.



It’s never too late to donate!

DONATE HERE

Our Mission

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an island of competent, capable, and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you for our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?

Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.

MV Mediation Program mvmediation.org

508 693-2999 Community & Court

508 693-2199 Housing