Finding The Time: Special topics in Grief and Bereavement

Children and Grief

April 2023

Carson’s Village has supported thousands of families through immediate loss as well as provided continuing grief support. Along the way, we’ve seen a need for educational resources regarding grief and loss, especially when it pertains to special audiences.

This first installment of Carson’s Village's ongoing education newsletters, "Finding the Time", aims to inform the Carson’s Village family of issues, advancements, and topics in the grief and bereavement field.

Our first topic, Children and Grief, highlights the importance of understanding how the grieving process can vary depending on age. Experiencing a loss affects parents and children differently, often leading to misunderstandings and miscommunications. While this topic is especially important for parents, anyone proximate to children at the time of loss can benefit from learning more about how children cope with loss.

Read below for some key insights and resources regarding children and grief.

Grief in Children: The Basics

Children may experience grief as a result of many types of loss from death, to divorce, to life changes. It is important to remember that children's grief will be influenced by their age, cultural traditions, religious beliefs, mental health, or disabilities, to name a few.

Grieving does not have a timeline or a simple step process. Parents and schools should be aware of events that may trigger children in the time after a loss such as anniversaries, birthdays, and other milestones.

Common Signs of Grief in Children

Common signs of grief in children tend to differ by age group. According to the National Association of School Psychologists:

Preschool age children may act out, display regressive behaviors, be more quiet than usual, or have increased anxiety.
Elementary age children may have difficulty in school performance or attendance, sleeping, eating; irritability, or aggression, display disruptive behaviors; social withdrawal; guilt, depression, and anxiety; or repeatedly retell events.
Middle and High School children may have difficulty in school performance or attendance; avoidance, withdrawal, high-risk behaviors or substance abuse; difficulty with peer relations, nightmares, flashbacks, emotional numbing, or depression.

Children who need special attention may display the following behaviors:

Loss of interest in daily activities
Changes in eating and sleeping habits
Wishing to be with the deceased loved one
Fear of being alone
Significant decreases in school performance or attendance
Increased physical complaints

Talking to Children About Death

The following contains excerpts from an article by Sarah Messinger, Rabbi, MFT

It is important to respond to your child in the most straightforward, age-appropriate way when a loved one has died. You may be inclined to use metaphors or euphemisms when talking to a child about death, but that may just serve to confuse them. Phrases such as “passed away”, “gone now”, “went to heaven”, “went to sleep” or “lost” don’t adequately describe the permanence and the sadness that the situation warrants.

Here are some suggestions for how to talk to your child when a loved one dies:

Explain the circumstances like a story.
Explain death by using words about death.
Children tend to internalize information in small sound bites. Try to couch the news with a message about the person who has died.
Reassure the child that all emotions are ok.
Describe the funeral in detail.
It’s ok to not know the answers.
Remember to give your child hope. Reassure them that there are still wonderful parts of being alive.

Read the whole article here

Services for Bereaved Children

Supporting a child through grief can be a difficult journey for all parties involved, particularly when the parent is also grieving. While there is not a specific catch-all for when you should seek external help for your child, it is helpful to understand the options you can give them to help them through their grieving journey.

Grief Counseling and Support Groups

Counseling may seem drastic or out of reach for families; however, there are many resources for children to find support from a trained counselor. Try using Carson's Village Interactive Map to find counselors in your area or to find grief and crisis centers (which usually provide low-cost support groups and providers). To use the map, just select your state, and then select "Find Grief Support".

Grief Camps

Grief camps are short stays for similar-aged children to find peers that have experienced similar journeys. These camps help the participants normalize their grief by realizing they are not alone in experiencing it. Examples of grief camps are Camp Erin, Comfort Zone Camp, and Experience Camps. Often times, these camps are local to a specific area and will offer scholarships for demonstrated need.

Reading Material

For children who are independent or wish to discover ways to cope on their own - try providing them with reading material that can aid their grieving journey. This Carson's Village list of reading material has options for all ages. Additionally, the National Alliance for Children's Grief is dedicated to addressing issues surrounding childhood bereavement.