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He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week, and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song.
W. H. Auden
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Dear Family and Friends:
My beloved and cherished son, Thomas Duff Lilly, passed from this earthly existence last
week from apparent heart failure. Duff was an astonishing skier and he danced at rock concerts like a wild person - folks made room for him. I believe he is, in his spiritual form, tearing down the ski slopes somewhere right now and planning on dancing on stage tonight at several rock concerts (as he did, twice, invited by Prince).
Duff contracted the medication-resistant staph infection MRSA and underwent emergency surgery to save his heart just before Christmas. He remained in the hospital 7 weeks for heavy-duty IV antibiotic therapy. He had been home only three weeks before his heart, possibly damaged by the emergency surgery and infection, apparently failed.
Duff was uncommonly handsome; he was 6'2" and had beautiful blue eyes. He laughed big and often and at anything even remotely funny. He was the energy, warmth and fun in the room. He was charming and gracious and sensitive to and protective of his loved ones and his beloved Golden Retrievers.
His self confidence was unfailing. He loved a party, fine wines, great food and family dinners. He chose and served the wines and champagne with his Frenchman's expertise and flair.
Here he is with his pup Jochomo or "Jack."
Duff was gifted spiritually, fascinated by meteors, and had just gravitated to the Catholic religion. Here he is one summer in Aspen.
Duff organized couples' and guys' bike rides up Mt. Tamalpais and ski trips to Lake Tahoe, Aspen and Vail. Skiing was his first passion and he was fearless on the slopes. We spent two winters in Aspen. Here he is with best friends Jon and Harrison.
Besides music, concerts and dancing, he had a complete love of sports. He took his father to the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake, and wheeled him up and down to the venues -- it was a high point in his life for his dad.
My life with Duff was filled with going with him and his friends to the Broncos games, the Rockies games, the Super Bowl games and the 49er games. It was incredible.
I got to go to so many concerts with him and his friends, it was unbelievable. His favorite was the Grateful Dead, but he loved all of the them.
Duff was my fierce protector, first and always, from the time he was very young.
He raised and cared for his Golden Retrievers for 40 years - 7 of them and three more in the family. They were his children, one or two of them were with him everywhere he went.
Micah, his current boy, is shown at the top in front of Duff's urn at his services last week. Just above is Jason and his life-long friend Karen and me.
Duff was undaunted by three life-threatening disorders: a potentially crippling autoimmune disorder, a rare heart condition, and the paralytic form of West Nile fever. In the last few years, certain medications began to negatively affect his health and they put him at risk of losing his life on more than one occasion. He made the decision in June to withdraw "cold Turkey" from all of the offending medications (exhibiting the courage of a lion) and he became himself again within a few weeks. He was strong, confident, clear and very, very loving and protective toward me and the pups. He began to plan to return to the University to finish his degree and enter
into broadcasting or work in the stock market.
Duff loved his Dad, his Grandfather and Grandmother, his uncle Wayne, his brother Bryan and sister JaneLynn,
his step-mother Judy, his Aunt Linda and uncles Tim, Mark and Kevin, his cousins Kurt and Gigi, Jan, Diana and Mirl and his many, many friends. He loved his lady Karen and was with her for 13 years and their friendship remained throughout his life. His best friends, Jim Simkalo, Jon Bell and Ken Ridino, were his life-long buddies. Clare, the little daughter of one of his lady-friends, above, was cherished throughout his life.
Duff's brother Bryan and sister Janelynn.
Early in life he was incredibly successful at sales of electronics and mutual funds.
Below are just a few of the many wonderful tributes to him from close friends and family.
Here is a great, funny video, not to be missed, from his friend Jim Simkalo a few days ago from the slopes of Steamboat Springs, CO. Chicken Shack Use password "chickenshack"
From Jon Bell (middle) and Harrison (left)
"Duff lived a life of fun, friends, and fine wine. He loved music, mountains, and of course, Mom.
He was always ready to set off in a new direction and pack up his beloved dogs to meet with friends on the next mountain!
He skied with abandon no matter what his physical condition.
He chased the elk off the range to practice shooting.
He brought liquor to the bartender at Kenichi and thought that there was nothing out of the ordinary in that.
His home was always open to friends and family, and he was always a generous host!
In spite of everything he faced in life, Duff lived life as a challenge and a chance to live it to the maximum.
We will miss you, buddy!"
From Karen Popp, "Fare you well, dearest Duff"
"There have been so many stories throughout the 36 years, of our friendship, but there are a few that really described who I think Duff was. When we first met, I could not ski. While I was
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excited to learn, it wasn't something I immediately picked up. On the very first trip skiing, Duff patiently got me outfitted in warm gear, onto the lift, and up for a few bunny runs we went. I am sure I must have been a great embarrassment to him, since he was already an expert skier, but no matter, we were going skiing. After what seemed to be three days, which was probably only two hours, I told Duff he was going to have to call ski patrol, because there was no way I was going to make it down Aspen mountain. After some serious side run discussion, Duff patiently placed my skis between his and had me put my arms around his waist. I was sure I would die coming down the mountain that day, and was also sure I would never learn to ski, but lo and behold, Duff got me down Aspen mountain without falling once, and I would go on to become a pretty decent skier, thanks to Duff. His patience with my skiing learning curve was steady and kind.
One reason I fell in love with Duff was because of his love for his golden retrievers, and I fell in love with them too. Another reason I thought Duff was amazing was because of the love he and his mother shared. Duff's love for his friends and family was boundless.
Duff had special enthusiasm for the outdoors. We had so many outstanding nature trips, hiking in Big Sur, hiking and camping in Lake Tahoe, abalone diving in Mendocino, mountain biking on Mt. Tam, spelunking in California subterranean caverns, and then back in San Francisco, hitting every wonderful restaurant and club during the 1980's. Duff and our group of three other couples all had great fun, living life to the fullest.
I will miss that healthy Duff I loved so.
Duff left this " Brokedown Palace" and I feel these words of Jerry Garcia's are words Duff would love for us to recall now,
"Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
to rock my soul"
For sure, as Jerry sings in another of our favorite songs, "Brothers and Sisters"
"We will all be together,
For ever and ever
When we make it to the promised land"
I know Duff is there, with his beautiful pups, his Dad, and Grandparents--probably dancing with Prince, as he did onstage once, singing tunes with Jerry Garcia, visiting with my brother, and enjoying being out of pain.
Until we meet again, my "Rattermer," Godspeed, love and light.
"Wildflower seed in the sand and wind
May the four winds blow you home again"
From Ken Ridino
"When Duff and I met it was in 10th grade at Aptos High School. We both had signed-up for an English elective class called Dreams and Myths.
The teacher covered many of the theories Freud, Jung and Perls. We were assigned homework such as analyzing our dreams. Duff and I both loved the class, it was as if our minds were both wired in such a way that we instinctively sought-out the greater truths of mankind held in all the esoteric ways of thinking. My new friend and I were both "Seekers".
Duff and I were then and always will be seekers of deeper understanding and greater love. I remember sharing an idea with Duff about our spiritual self. I used the analogy of our physical bodies being like the film which comprises the sphere of a soap bubble. That within this bubble is air, the same air upon which the bubble resides.
When the bubble pops our physical bodies are no-more and the air which was within the bubble simply becomes part from which it came. I know now that my friends spirit, combined with those of my family who have also come and gone, is sending me a loving guiding light upon which I can steer the direction of the remainder of my worldly days. It is with this gift of eternal love, I might better serve the will of God.
Rest in Peace My Dear Friend and I Pray for Peace for all those who grieve your loss. I love you Kim, thank you for sharing your son with the world.
Much love,
Ken Ridino"
Diana Wythe
Remembering Duff Lilly
"I am Duff's cousin, Diana. My husband, Mirl, and I wanted to share a few of the most memorable times we had with Duff. We all shared a passion for rock music and over a decade ago, Mirl, Duff and I enjoyed a great Bob Dylan Concert together at the Mesa County Fairgrounds. We were all excited when we heard that the legendary musician would be performing in tiny Grand Junction and in a such a small venue! It was a serious rock fan's dream! At the start of the concert though, Duff couldn't stay seated for long, as he was just itching to go dance in front of the stage. So, he ditched us quite early on in the concert and we later found him exhausted but exhilarated!
During a fun weekend, in Boulder, we enjoyed a Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver with Duff and his mom, Kim. Again, Duff disappeared early on from his seat and was much later discovered dancing with some new friends. We also fondly remember an especially fun July 4th weekend in Boulder with Duff, Kim and his Uncle Wayne. We explored downtown Boulder's, Pearl street, toured the surrounding Boulder area and later had a lot of fun at the impressive fireworks and July 4th ceremony at the CU Boulder stadium. Adding to the fun was being accompanied to this event by his beloved Golden Retriever, Jack, whom he was rarely ever apart from.
Another passion we shared with Duff, perhaps because of our previous lives in the SF Bay area, in close proximity to hundreds of wineries, was a passion for good wine. One memorable wine event we shared locally was a really fun Palisade wine tasting trip with Duff, his dad, Tom, and other family members. Duff was the true connoisseur, however, especially with California wines, champagne and port and he delighted in selecting and sharing his favorites at family holidays dinners."
Jan Erickson, Cousin
"Our family is grateful to have shared in his passions and will treasure the many good times we had with Duff and his fun-loving spirit. He will truly be missed."
Conclusion
Thank you all for these written comments and the many more that were sent and for your love, and most of all, your lifelong friendship with Duff. You were his strength, his joy, his foundation. When Duff was driving home from the hospital with me a few weeks ago, we began to make plans to return to California because he always wanted to be back and among his closest friends. That is how much you meant to him. I am sure his fun-loving spirit will be with you there, and wherever you live, always.
I won't forget you and I will love you all forever for being the greatest of friends, partners, buddies, little brother and sister, aunts, uncles and cousins and his priest.
Love to all,
Kim Bechthold
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In Aspen with Jason and the family motor home, which Duff loved. We would drive to the mountains and he would put his sleeping bag on the roof in order to watch the stars until he fell asleep.
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