FOCUS: Gaslighting
EDITION: February 2023
Merriam-Webster says ‘gaslighting’ is the word of the year.

Searches for the word on merriam-webster.com increased 1,740% in 2022 over the year before. But something else happened. There wasn’t a single event that drove significant spikes in the curiosity, as it usually goes with the chosen word of the year.

The gaslighting was pervasive.

Gaslighting can occur in unique ways in some of the most damaging, unhealthy relationships, where the other party manipulates conversations to minimize your feelings. But there are hallmark expressions and tactics that most can learn to associate with this toxic practice once they’ve learned to do so — “You’re blowing things way out of proportion.” “You’re misunderstanding what I’m saying.” “You’re just crazy.” If you’re catching yourself recognizing these phrases while confronting your partner, sibling or your boss, all while constantly second-guessing yourself or apologizing for things you can’t recall, you’ve fallen victim to gaslighting.

Gaslighting takes place when someone tries to get another person or a group of people to question or doubt their own beliefs or their own reality. It is a manipulation tactic many people use because it works for them!

This month, we are talking all about gaslighting. In our last article: Word of the Year: Gaslighting, we dive into what gaslighting is and what common phrases gaslighters will use. If you don’t already know, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. Yes, is it a form of abuse.

Gaslighting causes chronic stress and severe emotional distress. The constant barrage of verbal (and sometimes physical) assaults eventually wears away your sense of identity, self-worth, and self-confidence while also eating away at your sanity. You may be more vulnerable to gaslighting if you suffer from any mental health issues that weaken your resistance, such as a history of abuse or trauma, low self-esteem or depression, for example.

How to Spot a Gaslighter
Gaslighters need control and power. In a relationship, they need to be in charge, and they need to be right about everything, routinely imposing their judgments on you. A gaslighter’s tactics—constantly criticizing, blaming, making verbally abusive statements, intimidation, denial of responsibility, minimizing abusive behavior, and proclaiming dissatisfaction with a relationship—may be subtle at first.

Gaslighters have a common goal: control and power.

To achieve that goal, they might insult you or demean you in front of others or when the two of you are alone. They might use humor as a weapon and tease you or mock you under the guise of “I’m just kidding.” They can make you doubt your own memory or perceptions by saying things like “I never said that,” or “You said you’d pay that bill,” or “I wasn’t flirting with that woman—you’re paranoid!”

In other situations—such as during an argument—they might categorically deny facts that you know are true. Or, to justify insensitive behavior or cover their tracks when you’re upset that they’re late for an important date, a gaslighter might tell you that you’re too sensitive or too rigid or too _____ [fill in the blank]. As a result of these gaslighting signs, you may end up feeling like you’re walking on eggshells as you try to avoid triggering another blowup.

THE 6 STAGES OF GASLIGHTING
RECOMMENDED VIDEOS ON GASLIGHTING
RECOMMENDED PODCAST ON GASLIGHTING
Shannon Thomas Talks Narcissism, Gaslighting, And Healing From Hidden Abuse 

by The Adult Chair Podcast

Shannon Thomas sits down in the adult chair with me today to talk about narcissism, gaslighting, and other forms of abuse and emotional trauma that can plague our relationships. This is a wide-ranging interview thanks to YOU! So many of the questions Shannon takes on this week come from your responses in our Facebook private group — far more than we could cover in one sitting! So, consider this a start, and know that I’ll have Shannon back soon to keep this conversation moving.

RECOMMENDED BOOKS ON GASLIGHTING
Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People -- and Break Free


A mental health expert sheds light on "gaslighting"--the manipulative technique used by sociopaths, narcissists, and others--offering practical strategies to cope and break free.

Dr. Stephanie Sarkis delves into this hidden manipulation technique, covering gaslighting in every life scenario.

The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook: Healing From Emotional Abuse


Gaslighting is the practice of psychologically manipulating someone into questioning their own sanity―and if you are reading this, you may be all-too familiar with this form of emotional abuse. The Gaslighting Recovery Workbook is a uniquely interactive method of rebuilding your self-esteem and allowing yourself to heal from an abusive relationship.

Gaslighting: The Complete Guide to Identifying, Handling & Avoiding Manipulation. Recover from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships (Break Free and Recover from Unhealthy Relationships) 

by Linda Hill 

Idealization, Devaluing and Discarding. These are the three stages in which the narcissist gains complete control of the victim.

Gaslighting, love bombing, and similar tactics are the narcissist's favorite tools to keep the victim stuck in the cycle of abuse so they can continue to maintain control. Do you feel confused all the time? Constantly wondering if you're too sensitive? Question your own sanity? These are all the signs and symptoms of gaslighting.

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Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

I want each person I work with to know they do have a voice, and by becoming accountable, they can change their lives for the better.
CRT, CCDC, CACC
Life Coach & Counselor