A Letter To Self, A Memoir of Mon Fille
"Out of the Darkness with Purpose"
By Marie Corbin, RN, MSNc-PMHNPc,
Loyola University New Orleans
One day you are here and in a moment you are gone. On the day you left my physical world, I woke up thinking, “it’s another average day”, but in fact it would be the most memorable day etched in my soul for as long as I breathe.
Why? Because this would be the day that you couldn’t win your battle with mental illness.
Your constant intrusive thoughts, impulsive actions, immense sadness, uncertainty and active protagonists that constantly plagued and pushed your trigger buttons to the point of no return, no doubt left you to feel lonely confused and empty as you often told me.
The day I learned of your demise, with one of your brothers as my comforter, we travelled by car from Southern California to the Bay area-Marin County, for (6.5 to 7) hours to the place you and I loved so much.
Once in your home, with all the Sheriffs, Detectives, and other Forensics Detectives gone, I will never forget the overwhelming sense of your internal pain. I felt your last moments of your beautiful young life taken by your internal struggles. I could instantly feel in my soul your internal pain and I couldn’t help but hear your voice saying to my soul, “Mom I didn’t want to die! I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I made a mistake!" My soul instinctively cried back to you all that day and night, “I know baby, I know you didn’t want to die!"
Again and again, I felt your soul cry out to me all that week in the Bay as we waited and waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity to hear more about what happened that day that made you feel that you couldn’t go on.
On June 04th, 2018, the day I saw as just another day, I would now forever see that day as the last day I will be denied your beautiful face, your crazy laugh, your sense of humor, my never being able to meet my future grandchildren, your warm and sensitive heart and even your life’s dreams. For on this day, my hope for your life became immense pain, immense pain then became numbness, numbness became action and then suddenly one day, action became purpose through God’s Grace.
Mon fille’ that grace now serves as my fuel to live for you, to fulfill your unaccomplished hopes, dreams, and to tell your story on how all mental illnesses are medical conditions that still requires more education, information and dedication to research and improved outcomes for those suffering internally and in darkness.
Update on our Suicide Prevention Campaigns:
Last month, October 27 2020, the So Cal Chapters of the
American Foundation of Suicide Prevention
(AFSP) held another successful “Out of the Darkness” virtual walk campaign. The PHOSBC HALO team along with countless So Cal organizations came together to continue the fight on this important movement.
Our goal in this movement is to continue to create awareness on this most important silent epidemic and we will continue "together" to do this work in your honor ma petite.
Rest in Power, Mon fille’…
Saturday November 21, 2020 is recognized as
National Survivors of Suicide Loss Day please take a moment of silence with us...