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The Parenting Rulebook I Threw Out—and Why It Worked
By Rino Murata
Certified Trauma-Informed Coach
I thought I was failing my child when I pushed him to tears over homework. I was terrified. Turns out, what I really needed to do was throw the parenting rulebook out the window.
When my son Joey was expelled from school at age 7, I didn’t just feel like a failure—I felt completely lost. Joey wasn’t keeping up with his peers, and his international school in Tokyo decided he wasn’t “fit” to stay. He’s autistic, dyslexic, and has a language processing disorder. The school’s rigid structure didn’t work for him, but I didn’t know how to help.
So, I did what I thought good parents did: I pushed.
When the Rules Started Breaking Us
Every evening, I’d sit with Joey and force him to finish his homework, often into tears and way past bedtime. I thought I was helping him, but instead, I was watching him unravel.
Joey stopped sleeping. He started getting headaches, stomach aches, and fevers that seemed to come out of nowhere. His absences piled up, and his smile disappeared.
It wasn’t just Joey. My younger kids were struggling, too. Andy developed tics and started avoiding cracks in the pavement. Toby threw up every morning at daycare. The stress in our house was suffocating, and I realized school — and my approach — wasn’t working for any of us.
Then one day, sitting in my car, a question hit me like a lightning bolt: “If Joey was gone tomorrow, would I have any regrets?”
The answer was a resounding yes. I’d regret all the nights I pushed him when he was already struggling. I’d regret trying to make him fit a mold that wasn’t built for him. That moment changed everything.
How does a baby you hold in your arms — perfect and loved — become a child you think something is wrong with by age 8? It doesn’t make sense. Because there’s nothing wrong with our kids. What was wrong was the system they were in, and the way I tried to make them fit into it.
From Homeschooling to Unschooling: Taking the Leap
After Joey was expelled, we began homeschooling. It was a relief to step away from the rigid structure of traditional education, but even homeschooling came with its own pressures. I quickly realized I was still trying to control too much.
Read More Here
To reach Rino:
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778-928-3929
rino@rinomurata.com
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