Give the gift of a bridge this holiday!

News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™

Joy, Love, and Peace for 2022

December 2022

Bridges to Somewhere Good

IN THIS ISSUE

Interesting Articles and Fun Videos

The Three Bridges

The Focus of Our Attention

Applying the Three Bridges

Why to Extend a bridge

Offer Yourself a Bridge

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Happy Holidays

I am pleased to announce the reprinting (and slightly edited version) of Attitude Reconstruction.

It includes a revised "action" chapter, full Blueprints on the inside front and back cover, and little futzes here and there. Available, signed, sealed, and delivered for only $15.00 (includes tax.)

To buy yours at this price, contact me jude@attitudereconstruction.com

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Bored sometimes? Try clicking on this link to the "Archives" and select any topic you're interested in.

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I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THE NEXT COMMUNICATION CLASS WILL BE JUNE 2023!

This stuff really works!

My kids love beating the daylights out of the sofa in the basement. Who knew that unleashing fury could bring such peace!? Thank you for this huge gift to our household.

Your four rules of communication saved our marriage. After 7 years, we were at an impasse. I have to admit, allowing each other to talk uninterrupted was nerve wracking at first. I wanted to sock it to him! But eventually and with the help of a timer, the more we REALLY listened, the more we heard-- for the very first time. We have our 'stop-the-action' word when the other strays from “I”s and specifics, and it's working. We feel lucky to have you.

Hello friends,

Stay warm. Stay safe. Enjoy the changes.

This month the newsletter will be reviewing a simple, profound, and effective technique for dealing with folks in emotional distress. Please consider giving the gift of a bridge to any one in need. Not only will they benefit, but you will too.

But first,

A Few Articles

Sanity - the health benefits of bird watching.

I'm not one to laugh at animal's expense. These snapshots can't help but bring a smile to your face. 2022 comedy wildlife photo winners.

Where nannys are born, raised, and educated. Ever wonder?

The business of cardboard.

50 years of Stevie Wonder.

12 tiny stories of gratitude.

A study shows that mindfulness works as well as Lexapro for anxiety.

Mainstream is catching up to Attitude Reconstruction when it comes to teaching your child how to express their anger constructively and defuse tantrums. Good for parents as well.

A Few Videos

Take a walk in the woods and befriend some birdies.

Overcoming obstacles to actualize your dream. This college basketball player takes the cake.

A Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon classic - having fun for the holidays in "Bring it on down to Wrappinville."

The Holiday Train - another SNL classic.

Click here to visit the Attitude Reconstruction website (and take the new free survey).

Photos from Santa Barbara Zoo Lights 2022

The Three Bridges

Sometimes it's obvious what emotion a person is dealing with. Other times it's not. With just a little practice, you'll be able to recognize the emotions underlying other people's demeanor, words, and actions. Then you'll be in a position to throw them a much needed and appreciated lifeline.

Rather than getting sucked into a knee-jerk reaction because of their abrupt tone, negativity, or finger-pointing tirade, you can get to the heart of their distress and extend a communication "bridge." You'll be offering what they truly long for at that moment. You can help them shift their emotional state, from sadness, anger, or fear, back to joy, love, or peace.

The Three Focuses of Our Attention

If it's not obvious what emotion you are witnessing, ask yourself, "Where is their attention focused?" "What are they talking about?"

A person's focus will be predominantly in one direction, but it could be more. If they exhibit symptoms of more than one, you'll need to offer more than one bridge to help them totally regain a centered state.

An example of this could be someone who is anxious about a job interview and doubting her qualifications. She is probably feeling fear (anxious), and sadness. Her focus is in the future and she's also focused on feeling not good enough. She needs both reassurances and validation (appreciation) so she can get grounded, present, and confident.

Applying The Three Bridges

Here are the three bridges, (aka the Three Amigos) -- appreciations, understanding, and reassurances. There are only three concepts to remember...

IF THEY'RE FEELING SAD...

People who often experience sadness (but often don't cry enough) are most likely thinking or speaking poorly of themselves, unless they are mourning a loss or acknowledging a hurt. You can recognize them because they may be acting passively, clingy, and feeling unworthy or unlovable. What they need are genuine appreciations. In your interactions with them, you need to convey the idea, "I love you. You're great." Also, remind them of and praise them for their strengths and contributions.

IF THEY'RE FEELING ANGRY...

Folks often striking out in anger and spewing "you's" all over the place and filled with blame, negativity, and criticism, really just feel isolated and are in desperate need of understanding. They won't respond well to debates, lectures, or reprimands. The chances they'll hear what you have to say are slim to none, unless you can genuinely connect with them first. You need to sincerely hear them out without reacting or taking what they say personally.

Focus on what's going on with them behind their angry words and let the attacks go flying by. Work very hard not to respond to their accusations. Silently repeat or say, "I want to understand their perspective" and just listen. It doesn't help to try to correct them up and you definitely shouldn't take what they are saying personally. Remember, you are just the misplaced target of their anger.

IF THEY'RE FEELING FEAR...

If someone is overwhelmed, anxious, or totally stressed out, chances are she's got some unexpressed fear stocked up. She needs honest reassurances. Comfort, soothe, and repeatedly remind her that "Everything is and will be all right." Other reassuring comments are "We'll make our way through this together," "I'm here" or "I'll take care of it." Or offer her reminders of the objective reality: "Your boss really likes the work you do," or "You've done this successfully before.

Why Extend a Bridge

You'll deepen your personal relationships when you become adept at recognizing the emotions of others. You can use this knowledge to communicate in the ways most helpful to them. What an amazing talent you'll be cultivating. For example, if you know that your husband is quick to anger, you can consciously and silently listen to understand his position, especially at times when he is upset or under stress. This strategy works better than offering advise or telling him to calm down.

If a workmate seems glum or down, you can recognize and validate her talents and skills a little more often. And when someone close to you is anxious or freaking out, appreciations and compliments are of little help at the moment. Instead offer them repeated reassurances.

Give a bridge and you'll help create more joy, love, and peace without spending a penny.

Offer Yourself a Bridge

If you're unable or unwilling to offer a communication bridge, it's probably because your own unexpressed emotions are getting in the way. It's okay. You're human. To quickly reignite your compassion, take a brief time-out and handle your own emotions.

Whether you deal with your emotions physically or not, you can still extend the three bridges to yourself. When you are feeling sad or down on yourself, give yourself appreciations. "I did it. Good for me."

When you are feeling angry or frustrated, try to understand what's really going on for you and offer yourself empathy and compassion. "I was upset and tired. At least I gave it my best shot."

When you are feeling scared, nervous, or anxious, reassure yourself by repeating, "It's okay. I can make it through this."

It's time for holiday cheer and being extra kind to each other. I hope you'll join me in sending my heartfelt wishes for peace on earth and good will to all.

Sending love.

Best always,

Jude