November 15, 2023

Quote of the Week:

“I realized that I don’t have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect, and beautiful journey of my life.”

– Kerry Washington

Nearly 53 million Americans are caregivers for a family member or friend with a health issue or cognitive disability. Caregivers are the "backbone" of long-term home care and face many risks, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: "anxiety, and depression, chronic health conditions, and financial strain to name a few." The constant expectation to be available, understanding, and compassionate at a moment's notice can be daunting. The stress to do so can be monumental and constant. It is possible to feel love, resentment, and anger within the same context; a rollercoaster of emotions and realities vying for attention. Additionally, many caregivers report feeling isolated and alone. As a caregiver, it's easy to fluctuate between conflicting emotions while being consumed in self-judgement and guilt.

"We, as a greater society, have unreasonable expectations that in order to be a 'good' person, you wouldn't experience negative emotions, but that's not true", according to Alexandra Emery, PhD, a licensed psychologist at Grit City Psychology PLLC. "Negative emotions are a part of the human experience, and I would argue that by trying to pretend you don't have them, you may be doing more harm to yourself (and the people you care for.)" As caregivers, there's a pervasive myth of the "constant and ever loving caregiver" yet anger and resentment are inevitable parts of the caregiver experience and it is essential to normalize those feelings. The quest for some sort of equilibrium can be nothing short of maddening. In terms of negative feelings, I quote the good DR. Phil, "some would ask why, I ask, 'why not!'"  

In the light of day, it is wise to have a willingness to face things squarely in order to minimize the many conflicting feelings.  In the pursuit of emotional equilibrium, a greater sense of wholeness and self-actualization can then be possible 

"In that regard, a careful discernment of the source of anger versus resentment can be quite helpful", Dr. Emery asserts. Again, Dr Phil: "You can't change what you can't acknowledge." Anger and resentment are painful, potentially destructive emotions.. The perpetuation of harboring them can prove toxic and self-defeating.

In terms of discernment, what, then, is the difference between anger, and resentment?

ANGER:  According to the good Dr. Google: "A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility"....often it's a split second reaction that occurs due to an irritating or frustrating event or situation. An immediacy of strong reactions.

RESENTMENT:  Again, Dr. Google: "Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly." ...usually involves an underlying sense of being mistreated or wronged by another person. A more complex emotion, it can incorporate emotions like sadness, anger, and fear, instead of being a reaction to a single event or situation. Resentment is a culmination of painful or disappointing feelings from the past that makes it difficult to remain focused on the present.

The fact that each emotion is painful and potentially toxic, destructive, or harmful, are we then wrong or bad  to be feeling them? In the throes of shame and regret, do we then turn on ourselves for not having "controlled" ourselves? Is the alternative one of "stuffing it" in order to give the impression of being a "good" and "together" person? What about authenticity? What about being caught in the act (or reaction) of simply being "human"? Since being "upset" is inevitable, given the common stressors we encounter on a daily basis, it would behoove us to explore a plan or strategy we can learn to incorporate. One that can support us in coming back to "center."

Instead of ignoring these emotions, acknowledge them and try to determine their underlying cause. Most importantly, remember there's nothing wrong with you. Dr. Emery adds: "If you find yourself often engaging in harsh self-criticism because of your feelings of anger or resentment, you may be unintentionally exacerbating them. Instead, try to gently remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and a good sign that you may need an additional resource or support at that time."

"Instead of ignoring these emotions, acknowledge them and try to determine their underlying cause", she continues, "remember that there is nothing wrong with you. Emotions change all the time and they don't define you as a person."

A good "at home" exercise that can prevent negative feelings to affect your caregiving responsibilities:

"Set a timer for 15 minutes , pen and paper in hand, sit quietly, take a deep breath, then explore the source of the negative feelings; overworked and exhausted? Loss of time and independence? Unappreciated? Taken for granted? There are no wrong answers... no matter how silly or insignificant they may seem. Review everything you have listed. Getting to the bottom of why you feel angry and/or resentful can help you not only cope with those feelings in the present, but also to begin making changes moving forward," Dr Emery said.

"There are no quick fixes for difficult caregiving emotions," she goes on to state: "The job is filled with highs and lows and changing your mindset takes practice." She has separated them into two categories:

SELF COMPASSION: Self compassion, the practice of extending love and forgiveness to yourself when feeling self-critical and judgmental, or are suffering. Specifically, she suggests "mindfulness in the present moment (versus over-identifying with negative feelings) and common humanity, or reaching out to others who can support you (versus self-isolating.") "Start small, carve out time for yourself, even if it's five minutes. Deep breathing, positive self-talk, i.e: I'm doing the best I can, this, too, shall pass, when I know better, I do better."  

BEHAVIORAL CHANGES: You may also be able to minimize feelings of anger and resentment by changing the way you approach your responsibilities. Timothy Kelly, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker at Propagate Hope Counseling LLC, in New York City recommends three strategies: 

1. Wear a different outfit or hat when providing care. It can indicate the start and end of physical care and help to separate your many roles at home.
2. Call your loved one by their names. This might sound a little strange, but it works. "When acting as a caregiver, changing how you refer to your family member brings you into a different head space. Calling them by their name neurologically differentiates your role, expectations, and attachment to your family member.", Kelly added.  
3. Find a space to express negative feelings.  It's important to regularly release feelings of anger and resentment. "This could be with supportive friends, family outside the caregiving circle, or even a mental health professional," said Kelly.  

Our DayBreak "Rant Line" has proven to be a very healthy tool for caregivers to agree to a "ranter/rantee" arrangement by phone. Anger and resentment are two common emotions that caregivers face. However, if you know how to identify them and make an effort to take action, it's possible to minimize their impact on your caregiving responsibilities, and, indeed, your life.

IT IS CRUCIAL TO REMEMBER THAT LOVE IS THE GUIDING FORCE. AS WE PRACTICE ACCEPTING AND LOVING OURSELVES, WE MORE EASILY EXTEND IT TO THE ONES ENTRUSTED IN OUR CARE.

FIVE PHRASES WE CAN SAY TO SUPPORT CAREGIVERS:

• WHEN ARE YOU FREE TO CATCH UP? PICK A TIME AND PLACE, AND I'LL BE THERE
• YOU CAN VENT TO ME, I'M HERE TO LISTEN
• I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AND HAPPINESS
• I KNOW YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN
• I APPRECIATE YOU

NEVER, EVER SAY, "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL"  NO, YOU DON'T! NOT UNTIL YOU, YOURSELF BECOME A CAREGIVER, CAN YOU EVER PRESUME TO UNDERSTAND! CAREGIVERS CLEARLY UNDERSTAND: "IT'S THE HARDEST JOB YOU WILL EVER HAVE."

Karen Kelleher, MA

Email: [email protected]

Contact: 510-542-0912

Together, we can make a meaningful difference in the lives of elders 

and the caregivers who selflessly support them.

DayBreak is committed to offering essential support to elders and caregivers navigating diverse difficulties. If you know a senior in need of our care and coordination services, or if you're aware of a caregiver seeking assistance, encourage them to reach out to us at:

510-834-8314