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One of the best decisions my parents made was during the summer of my eleventh year. I begged them to let me go to Bobby Leonard’s Sports Camp, one state over, and three hours away. I pestered them long enough to convince them it was a good idea.
My parents dropped me off on Sunday and were expected to pick me up the following Saturday. The place was beautiful, with baseball diamonds, basketball courts, and football fields. At first it looked like heaven, but by Monday night, I was begging my mom and dad to let me come home.
I was homesick.
My parents handled this problem brilliantly. They listened to my complaint, empathized with my feelings, even recalled times when they felt homesick as kids. Then, however, they didn’t merely acquiesce. They told me that before they drove three hours to rescue me, I should give it another day or two. We could talk once each night, but they wisely taught me that learning to power through negative emotions was good for my growth. They said if I felt the same way on Wednesday—they’d drive over to get me.
Whew! We met in the middle. I had a game plan for a solution, but I also had the opportunity to grow. And that’s what happened. By Wednesday, our phone conversation was different. I had made some friends, enjoyed the daily competitions, and loved the laughter at nighttime in our bunks. I ended up staying.
Everyone won because my parents didn’t surrender to me. Instead, they taught me.
We’re Living in a Different Day
I spoke to the Executive Director of a summer camp in August. The summer was over and so were the weeklong camps. The summer felt long because his patience fell short. When I asked what made this summer so hard, his answer surprised me.
This director was most concerned about the number of campers who left early.
A disproportionate number of kids had requested and received an early departure. They were rescued by parents. Why? One camper complained that a cabin-mate told her the shampoo she used was a bad brand. She felt bullied. Another camper wanted to come home because a fellow camper said she shouldn’t wear “that” shirt with “those” shorts. It hurt her feelings. Still another complained that fellow campers didn’t share their hammock one afternoon.
In each case, parents swooped in to save the day.
My question is: Are caring adults often part of the reason young people aren’t learning problem-solving skills, resilience, and resourcefulness? Do we sabotage delayed gratification? Could it be that grit and growth are stunted because we risk too little and we rescue too quickly?
Cultivating Growth and Grit in Today’s Students
From a biological standpoint, a teenager’s brain is bit of a train wreck. First, it’s low in myelin, the coating that allows various regions to communicate with one another. Next, the prefrontal cortex is developing at warp speed, so topics that a child once took for granted—like believing their parents know what they’re talking about—now seem ripe for reevaluation. Finally, in addition to acting on seemingly every impulse, a teen is programmed to break away from their parents. This is natural and healthy, but that doesn’t make it any easier for a parent or teacher.
We want to rescue. We are nurturers. We want them to be comfortable, safe, and happy. But we must teach them to be resilient too.
Four Ideas to Teach Delayed Gratification...
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