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This last weekend a woman remarked, as she made her way toward me after the concert, “You need a hug!” I didn’t, but having shared that particular morning about how early in my walk with God I didn’t do hugs, I guess she wanted to contribute to my continued healing in that direction.
Normally, that would have been enough to send me to the back of my turtle-shell, but there was grace enough for her hug--and even later to join her and her friends for lunch… small victories.
I was 8 and 9 and 10, and I still remember walking through the neighborhood Sav-On Drug Store, waiting for Mom to find whatever she needed and pay for it quickly so we could be on our way.
Now and then I would hear the voice of a classmate while I was waiting, and then I’d find some uninhabited aisle and hang around there, looking at stuff I wasn’t interested in so I could avoid my classmate. Occasionally, we would intersect at the checkout line and it was their mother’s face staring at mine that was hardest to deal with, reflecting back to me just how difficult it was to look at the scar on my face.
Only by God’s grace have I come the distance I have from those days of being called “Scarface” as the result of being bitten by a dog on my cheek. Only in that place of His love—which is like no other on the planet—have I found the strength to stand and become more of who He has called me to be.
But many times, I still feel completely inadequate for the purposes He created me to walk in. Sometimes I pull back into my childhood smallness and shell like the tortoise we had as a pet when I was little.
Other moments I lean into His love without limits, freely given to me, and let people edge in a little closer. And on occasion, I can also be louder and larger than I should be.
Overall, so much healing has taken place over the years—but there is still much more needed. Freedom from that small, tight place comes in glimpses--moments--when nothing and no one holds me back from being who He created me to be.
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