News from Jude Bijou and Attitude Reconstruction™      


Joy, Love, and Peace in 2017

Attitiude Reconstruction  


The Children's Fiesta Parade '17  
Give Up Your Expectations                           August 2017  


Jude Bijou 
Jude Bijou MA MFT is a respected psychotherapist, professional educator, and workshop leader. Her multi award- winning book is a practical and spiritual handbook to help you create the life you desire.  
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"Look, I'm no scientist, and I may not know what 'consensus' means, but I think we should all start eating coal."

Consider purchasing
Keys to a Good Life, a book that includes a collection of articles, including one by yours truly on how to deal with anxiety!

It is now available for purchase through Amazon, Barnes and Noble, etc. and is the perfect way to find wisdom to unlock your power within.


"This line represents my expectations."

"I think I can recommend the veal, but all the same I feel I must caution you against unrealistically high expectations."



Hello friends,

Our annual Fiesta week has just ended here in Santa Barbara. There are plenty of traditions to go around... parades, free outdoor performances with dancing and singing, concerts, delicious Mexican food, and plenty of beer. Above are cascarones -- colored eggs filled with confetti that fiesta goers crack over each others heads. It sounds weird but young and old alike seem to relish this activity.

Many locals, myself included, retreat, turn over the town to the tourists and traffic, and find other ways to entertain ourselves while the festivities go on.

Now the town and residents are getting back into our regular groove. 

Four Articles of Interest

Regardless of what you may think about Chief Justice John Roberts' politics, he gave an out-of-the-ballpark commencement speech at his son's middle school, ending with a bit of Bob Dylan.

Bad news about your kitchen. Beware of what's lurking.

There are bodies attached to the Easter Island heads. I'm surprised this wasn't discovered a long time ago.

Just in case you're j ob hunting in the near future, here are 29 questions that it's great to have snappy answers for to help wow your interviewer.

Four Videos Guaranteed to Bring a Smile!

Here's a clip of a gorilla doing a splash dance in a swimming pool.

Another heart-warming video shows a step-mom reading her
wedding vows to her new 4 year old son.

Want to take a
summer vacation
to California without spending a fortune or leaving the comfort of your house? Check out these drone videos.

Enjoy a lip sync battle between Melissa McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon. 
Give Up Your Expectations to Feel More Love

John was a middle-aged athletic man living here in Santa Barbara. He was really frustrated because his partner, Ellen, would rather be on her computer checking Facebook than be outside. Every weekend was a battle to get Ellen out of the house.

John realized that he needed to change how he was thinking and to somehow find a way to give up something he felt was very important - his expectation of having an outdoorsy mate.
We all experience everyday and lifestyle annoyances like these with the people around us. They manifest within us as judgements and cause us to act less than loving.

Our judgements turn an irksome characteristic, situation, or event into a source of continued frustration? It's our expectations, our "shoulds" that cause aggravation. Ellen "should" be enthusiastic about playing in the great outdoors.

If we dig deeper, the underlying emotion behind our frustration is anger. And that unexpressed anger has a way of coming out in in the form of unrealistic expectations, "shoulds," and a short temper around others.

How do you know if you suffer from unreasonable expectations?  Do you...
* believe everything would be fine if others shared your brilliant views and completely agreed?
* often make negative judgments?
* frequently feel disappointed, frustrated, and intolerant of others?
* feel entitled to give unsolicited advice and opinions?
* invalidate what you don't accept or like, disguising anger with indifference, caustic tones, demeaning looks, and impatience?
* focus on differences and feel separate?

Well, my friend, you pay a steep price for your expectations. First, you create endless feelings of frustration in yourself. That's not pleasant. Second, by resisting what you don't like, believe, or want, you find yourself feeling judgmental. That's doesn't create loving feelings. Third, you alienate others by your demeanor. People don't enjoy talking with you.

Four Ways to go from Expectations to Acceptance

What's the way to free ourselves of our expectations? Accept reality. Acceptance doesn't condone a given person or event, it brings you peace and love. You're not rolling over and giving up by accepting someone/something, rather it reframes your understanding so you respect another person's views, needs, or behavior as being as valid as yours.

Rather than continuing to stew and fume, here are four simple but effective techniques to go from expectations to acceptance.
1. Express your anger constructively.
Emotions are just pure sensations in our bodies. Emotion = E (energy) + motion. Expressing anger entails releasing that pent-up emotional energy in a safe place and a constructive way. Kick leaves in your yard, stomp through the house when no one is home, push against a doorjamb, or scream and shout into a pillow. If you use words, yell something like, "I feel SO frustrated!" Actions such as these move the energy out of your body. Do it hard, fast and with abandon, and notice how afterwards you instantly feel calmer.

2. Accept that things aren't the way you'd like them to be.
John was not enthusiastic about expressing his anger physically but was open to the idea of changing his thoughts. He needed to accept what is. The best way for him to do this was to remind himself, over and over, that: Ellen is the way she is, not the way I want her to be. It's even more powerful if you repeat it to yourself out loud. Over and over, many times a day John told himself "Ellen is the way she is, not the way I want her to be. I love her. She's not me. Let Ellen be Ellen."

After repeating these words, John had a shift. His acceptance statement became a fact instead of a platitude. By interrupting his old thinking and repeating these phrases over and over many times a day, John got that he needed to accept Ellen for who she was and relish the activities they enjoyed doing together.

John also realized how it wasn't just Ellen who he didn't accept, but actually most everyone. His neighbor. The other drivers. The inept store clerk. His kids. So he found he needed to repeat "People and things are the way they are, not the way I want them to be," all throughout the day.

The benefits were real and amazing. He felt more loving and lighthearted. He appreciated what was good rather than what he didn't like. He adjusted his expectation so they were more realistic. He enjoyed the fact others approached him more and he was having more meaningful conversations. And lastly, John found more ease and noticed he could face tough situations with a genuine smile.

3. Accept what is and then decide what you need to say or do.
Acceptance of "what is" doesn't mean being passive. First accept, and then figure out what, if anything, you need to say or do about the situation. John had a great idea. The following weekend, he decided to ask Ellen to teach him how to use Facebook. Working together on the computer led to a lot of laughter. After a while and much to Tom's surprise, Ellen suggested they walk to the pier and watch people fishing. They got out of the house.

If you decide you need to speak up after you accept what is, make sure the conversation is about what's true for you, and not laced with finger-pointing, name calling, and generalizations about the other person's character. Read this article to refresh your memory about Attitude Reconstruction's four simple rules of effective communication.

4. Count your blessings
Rather than believing the world should conform to our view, we have the ability to focus on other things, such as counting our blessings, enjoying the beautiful day, or marveling at what wonderful people we have in our lives. If you give up your expectations that things should be different than they are, you'll enjoy more positive thinking and feel more loving and lighthearted. You'll suspend your agenda for others, which sets the stage for more meaningful conversations and connections.


Hey Jude!

My boss walks around telling people to do little things that he could be doing. He changes plans causing additional time and upsetting customers instead of letting employees do the jobs they're paid for. He claims he's not there to make friends. He has a history of brushing things off when I encounter a problem.
First you have to decide how important keeping your job is.  
If you need this job, I think you are better off figuring out how you can accept what is and learn how to avoid getting so frustrated. You will need to repeat over and over until you really get it... "My boss is the way he is, not the way I want him to be." Then you can use his abrasive ways to practice staying centered, loving, and good at attending to your job description, rather than getting caught in his awful style.   
If you know in your heart you need to speak up and are willing to take a stand and risk getting terminated or paying the consequences in terms of promotions, etc., then go ahead and figure out in advance what you need to say.   

Before offering unsolicited feedback, you must ask and receive permission or else there will be little reception and you won't attain the desired result.

Good luck!
        I'm sending you best wishes for a great August.

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                           With love,