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Trauma has its roots in the latin word traumaticus, (or from the Greek traumatikos or “pertaining to a wound.”
The word vulnerability is derived from the Latin word vulnerare (to be wounded). It indicates the potential to be injured physically and/or psychologically.
“Trauma” is the wound that is sustained after an actual event, it is the result of it. It is when we hold onto the event (and in some cases the perception of the event) that we continuously fall back into the old wounding.
Trauma disconnects us from our “true self”. But as we release the trauma, we heal the wound and we become whole again, and the “new” authentic self re-emerges in a different way than it was ever before. The only constant is the soul.
Grief is essential to life and we need to experience grief in order to let go and grow… from within yourself you will find your way home.
Welcome home, shedding the layers!
As the fog begins to clear, the walk in the mud does not seem so deep. Life is becoming an interesting investigation of a totally new me. The expectations that I had of myself are starting to soften as well, thank goodness.
As the trauma is shed, the wound heals. I find a new self. One that is very different from the past. I notice that my hands are becoming more open, and I am becoming softer. I could hold my shield up and say “I am a survivor” but that is not how I want to identify myself. There are no heroics, and the last thing that I would want to do is attach myself to any of my “traumatic” experiences. In my eyes, and heart I would not do Darren any justice.
As I look back at the past couple of years, I realize what I have done. My head and heart needed to complete what Darren and I had planned together as a couple to the best of my ability (it was a 25yr list lol or that is what we thought).
But as the saying goes: “Everything is subject to change. No plans will ever stay the same.” So, the being named Nicky drove to Newfoundland, bought a dream property, cleaned up all the loose ends that needed to be taken care of. At first, I did it all in a panicked state filled with fear, self doubt, judgement, self pity, sadness… the list goes on. The feelings are allowed, as they are necessary to grow and as Darren would say, “you can sit in it, (feel it) but don’t live in it. Move forward, it’s the only direction of truth.”
When we allow ourselves to feel and find equanimity with our experiences, we open up what I would call a can of worms as in every deep dive, you never know quite what to expect until it rears its head and shows you what’s been stuck way down deep.
If I allow myself to slip into the past identifiers of myself, I may never move forward as I narrow my possibilities of pure growth. The wife, lover, friend, partner of Darren, died when he died. That does not mean that I stop loving him. It means that how I identify or feel my love for him has changed.
Being alone, and not be lonely or be surrounded by tons of people and be totally alone? The word “alone” can bring on vulnerability just as the thought of “what’s next?” can. It is not that I cannot be alone. I enjoy my own company and can amuse myself well. However, being lonely is a newish feeling.
When my first marriage blew up, I experienced being alone and being lonely in a different way because it was a different experience. When I grew from that experience, I had put a shield on, just as I had when I was young and experienced childhood trauma… I had to create shields. When Darren passed, some of those shields came back loud and clear, in such surprising ways.
When we acknowledge the suffering and really look at the wisdom from within, then we can heal. To do so is also necessary for growth. You see Nicky carries armour; a shield of protection. She is creative, and incredibly loving, however not all that good at letting love in and accepting acts of kindness. As a matter of fact she has been observing that she is rather brutal at it and socially awkward. Lol! So as the caregiver in me begins to grow, stronger, and more loving than ever before, she is letting her shields down now tired from the many years of holding on and keeping herself safe, the “safe house”, the “safe home”. I know some of you may be shocked, when she talks about the difficulties of allowing love in… but yes, it is difficult for her to do so. For me, love is always easier to give than accept. Put a stop to it, or push away before she gets hurt, or god forbid, is rejected. Man, what we do to ourselves eh? Ok yes, she is nothing if not human… ok well actually, she is essence but that is for another note.
So, what’s next? As I move towards this new life, this new chapter or perhaps just another extension of myself?
I often remind myself to walk softly, and be patient, and lay into the vulnerable moments, reminding myself to be kind from within, to move with my hands open. Don’t push, don’t control, just let go, let be… shh rest and heal.
I remind myself that vulnerability is not a bad thing, and to allow those who help in. That I do not have to be the strongest, toughest, most loving, loudest, best in the room; that I do not have to have it “all together”, that when I allow myself to let go and just “be myself” I can live my life with authenticity and let go so that I can live free, with a wide open gate and allow all that the universe has to offer come in. I am a work in progress, and it is ok to feel vulnerable at times.
This summer, I am shortening the schedule a bit, wanting to spend more time working at “The Grounding Point.” Taking on a few more Thai Yoga Massage Clients, maybe a private yoga class or two. Mostly, I will be working on an idea that I have had for years. I do not want to say what it is quite yet but do trust I am still walking in the right direction - for the greater good of all. If this idea works out, we will be able to help many. If it doesn’t, I will still have learned a lot. So it will be a win-win - no matter how I look at it.
I must admit though that to take on a project of this type without the one who has been my “partner-in-light” for 28 years, is a little intimidating to say the least. However, the light side is this: once the paperwork, and formalities and planning is done, I know I have a whole community backing me. As in any situation, where there is dark there is always light and vice versa!
Shedding the past is difficult, sometimes you need to be alone, sometimes you need a friend, counsellor, psychotherapist, peer mentor and your community. This gal has learned to allow all into her big bodhicitta heart. But mostly through this she has learned to allow herself back into her “home.” Because when we hurt, we look outwards, when we should be looking inwards. Welcome home, find your divine!
Trust me, when you turn your direction inwards, the whole world starts to change… peace, light and love.
Om Shanti,
Nicky
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