Here are a couple of my favorite
jokes. Happy Whatever You Celebrate:
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve and find themselves at the pearly gates. Upon entering they are told by Saint Peter that they must present something "Christmassy" in order to get into heaven.
The first man searches his pockets, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He's let it.
The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So, he's also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of black lace panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter says in a booming voice, "I fail to see the relevance. How do these represent Christmas?" To which the third man replies, "Oh... They're Carol's."
- Mary goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Hanukkah cards and she says to the cashier, 'May I have 50 Hanukkah stamps?' The cashier says, 'What denomination?' Miriam says, 'Oy vey, has it come to this? OK, give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.'
Jehovah's Witness & Atheist -
What do you get when you cross an atheist and a Jehovah's Witness? Somebody knocking at your door for no reason.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
Fill in the blank religion
- One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a (______) gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the (_____) gift I bought you last year!"
**And now from
long time listener, first time caller (and designated "Dream Client")
Two elderly men get together for lunch. The first says, “I just got a hearing aid, and it’s changed my life! I don’t need closed captioning on the TV anymore, I can participate in real conversation with friends and family. More than that, I can enjoy just the nuances of hearing music in a store, or birds singing outside. I don’t think I’ve ever heard better in my life, and it makes me look forward to conversations like we are about to have. Easily the best investment I’ve made in years.” His friend says, “Incredible! What kind is it?” And the first replies, “It’s 6:27.”