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A new, monthly addition for our team of relationship experts: covering important topics, information, and answering common questions about romantic relationships.
This month’s question is:
I want to start relationship therapy, but I’m nervous that the couples therapist will just take my partner’s side. Is it common for couples therapists to take sides?
It’s a valid concern—after all, relationships feel vulnerable, and the idea of being judged or blamed can make the whole process of couples therapy feel intimidating. The good news--A core principle of evidenced based couples therapy is that the therapist doesn’t take sides.
The Role of a Couples Therapist
Couples therapists are trained to support the relationship as their primary client. Instead of choosing one partner over the other, they focus on understanding each person’s perspective and uncovering the patterns that fuel conflict or disconnection. Their goal is to create a balanced, safe space where both partners feel heard.
You might notice moments where the therapist seems to challenge one partner more than the other, but this isn’t favoritism or taking sides. It’s usually a strategic effort to provide feedback or coaching that’s meant to help the couple move forward. Good therapists shift their focus as needed, depending on who is stuck, shut down, or dominating the conversation. Instead of reinforcing “right vs. wrong,” they guide partners toward healthier dynamics.
What If It Feels Unbalanced?
It’s important to speak up if something doesn’t feel fair. A skilled therapist will welcome this feedback and work with you to restore balance. Therapy is a collaborative process, and your comfort matters.
The Important Exception: When Abuse Is Present
The only exception to being neutral or balanced is when there’s a safety concern that requires a different approach. If a therapist identifies abuse in the relationship—they cannot remain neutral. Abuse creates a power imbalance, and a neutral stance can unintentionally reinforce harm.
In these cases, a responsible couples therapist will:
- Prioritize the safety of the person experiencing harm
- Offer resources, safety planning, or referrals
- Stop engaging in couples therapy if it isn’t safe or appropriate
- Help each partner access individual support when needed
The Bottom Line
Couples therapists work hard to avoid taking sides because their commitment is to the health of the relationship. When abuse is present, the priority shifts to protection and safety. Outside of those exceptions, the therapist’s aim is not to assign blame—it’s to help both partners grow, reconnect, and move toward solutions together.
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