* Part 5 in Our Series *

Read previous parts in our series: [Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4]

The holidays are a time of increased activities, increased hopes and expectations, and increased pressure. If you have a loved one who struggles with significant mental health challenges and symptoms, you have likely noticed an exacerbation of symptoms and perhaps deterioration in functioning as holidays approach. Not only is this difficult in the moment, but it also can shatter your expectations for the holiday season you were hoping to have.

Consider what helps you to take care of yourself, and what you have seen be helpful for your loved one. As much as possible, incorporate those elements into your plans.

Typical areas where you and your loved one may need help:

You may know that your loved one does better in smaller groups, so you may choose to forego the larger family gatherings. You can schedule smaller group visits rather than one large gathering. You may know that your loved one struggles with small talk, so you can prepare ahead of time some questions or phrases to help them feel more confident. 

Adjusting Expectations:

Remember that it is unrealistic to expect them to do all the things a non-suffering person would do. If you recognize that your loved one is struggling or compromised by symptoms, you can offer support and talk with them about how to guard against being overwhelmed and exhausted. You can remind them that they are doing their best.

All relationships involve rupture and repair. When people have mental health challenges, the symptoms often impair relationships. You may know that certain relationships are strained and it would be beneficial to have some repair before a family gathering. You may decide to encourage your loved one make repair, or help a family member better understand and be compassionate towards the symptoms and the person experiencing them.

Compassion is always helpful when caring for people, especially when caring for someone who has mental health challenges. You may find yourself expressing that compassion as a request for honesty without shame. 

You may help your loved one be more compassionate with themselves by acknowledging their symptoms and the natural consequences. For example, if your loved one is struggling with anxiety and having a hard time getting out the door to go to the party, you may be really late. The natural consequences may include hurt feelings, missing part of the activities, and needing to make some repairs. Blaming and shaming them for suffering from mental health challenges is not helpful. 

But acknowledging and addressing the thoughts, feelings, and reactions that result from the expression of symptoms is very helpful. Stating what’s happening (we got here as soon as we could, my daughter was having a hard day) and acknowledging the other person’s feelings and efforts (we’re sorry to make you worry, sorry to be late, we’re glad to be here now) can provide a brave example of compassion and honesty without shame.

The essay “Welcome to Holland” may be helpful to consider as you approach the holidays with a loved one who struggles with mental health issues. This experience is likely very different than you expected, and very different from the holiday TV commercials and Hallmark movies. However, sometimes the unplanned can offer its own kind of magic.

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