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PLAN WHEN TEENS SAY THEY HATE YOU
Recently, a parent shared a concern about their college-age child, who I’ll call Sam. Sam has been expressing anger, saying their parent “wasn’t there” enough when they were younger.
I know this parent well and have seen firsthand how incredibly attentive they have been. What’s going on?
I explained a term psychologists use to describe the phenomenon about how kids often vent to us in all sorts of ways, whether it’s in a situation like Sam’s or a tween who tells a parent they hate them for delaying getting them a smartphone.
The term is “co-misery.” They want us to feel the pain they’re feeling, even if, in reality, the pain isn’t really about us.
Remembering this term can be helpful. If your child is angry at you, whatever form it takes, remember that co-misery may be in play. It’s usually subconscious on their part.
Many parents do things that aren’t in their child’s best interest because they are so worried that their child will get mad at them.
I see this time and time again as a doctor. For example, when I am seeing a teen patient and their parent is in the room, I might ask the teen if tech devices are kept out of their bedroom at night. If they answer "no", I non-judgmentally ask "Why". The parent often pipes in and says, ”Well, they would be so mad at me if we did that.”
In today’s blog, I lay out a 5-step action plan for parents facing these kinds of issues.
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