La Nueva Voz Features
House of Ruth CEO Pat Bell
Note* This article is the second in a series of nine special "Stop-the-Hate" features made possible by a La Nueva Voz, grant awarded by the Latino Media Collaborative, a non-profit news media organization, and funded by the California State Library. The "Stop-the-Hate" program itself is administered by the California Department of Social Services as a statewide effort to increase public consciousness about hate incidents and hate crimes, their harmful impacts on individuals and communities, their prevention, and support and resources available for healing.
Stop the Hate
by Pat Bell, CEO House of Ruth
How does hate impact our community? Hate is one of the root causes of violence. The definition of hate is to feel intense or passionate dislike for someone; to criticize or abuse. Abusive behavior presents itself in many forms.
One of the most common ways abusive behaviors are demonstrated, is in the context of relationships. Domestic Violence is something that cannot be ignored. The impact of domestic violence within a person’s intimate partner relationship is widespread. There are many instances where abusive behavior shows up between two partners – whether it is verbally putting someone down with criticism, or mentally gaslighting someone to believe a different reality. Physical abuse can also show up as power and control escalates within a relationship.
The statistics tell us how prevalent domestic violence is. 1 in 3 women experience intimate partner violence. 1 in 7 men are in an abusive relationship. 1 in 3 teens have experienced some form of dating violence, stalking or sexual assault. Members of the LGBTQ community have experienced partner violence at a higher rate than the heterosexual community. The best way to prevent domestic violence is to raise awareness and educate people on the characteristics of a healthy relationship. Is domestic violence prevalent in Pomona? So far this year, Pomona Police Department reported 554 domestic violence reports, ranging in crimes of domestic violence arguments, putting hands on another person, or violence causing injuries. Those are the cases reported to the police.
House of Ruth also helped quite a few people in Pomona. 732 Pomona residents received help from House of Ruth as follows:
- 278 Hotline calls
- 69 people slept safely in residential shelter
- 146 people received counseling services for themselves or their children
- 198 people received case management support
- 68 people attended psycho-educational classes
- 33 people received legal advocacy
But many of these cases go unreported. Fear, threats, and isolation are some of the key factors preventing a person from reaching out for help. Knowing that supportive services offered by House of Ruth exist, that alone helps people feel safer. All it takes is one phone call to our hotline (877-988-5559) to get connected to safety and resources.
To stop the hate, knowing the difference between a healthy, unhealthy, and abusive relationship is important. House of Ruth’s goal is to stop violence before it starts, by bringing awareness to the issue of relationship violence through education and advocacy among school age children and their families. House of Ruth spends a lot of time working with teens and young people discussing topics like Teen Dating Violence, Healthy Relationships, Coping with Anger, Boundaries and Consent, among other topics.
Having a healthy relationship with your partner can be an experience that creates connection, well-being, and joy. Every relationship exists on a spectrum from healthy to unhealthy to abusive. Keep in mind there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Even the healthiest of relationships have conflict and ruptures are made. The most important thing is to take accountability and repair.
Healthy relationships are based on equality and respect. Two people making decisions together, who can openly discuss sexual choices, relationship problems – pretty much anything. They enjoy spending time together and respect each other’s time apart. Qualities of a healthy relationship are respect, effective communication, trust, honesty, and equality.
Unhealthy relationships are based on attempts to control the other person. One person tries to make most of the decisions. He or she may pressure their partner about sex or refuse to see how their actions can hurt. In an unhealthy relationship, you feel like you should only spend time with your partner. Qualities of an unhealthy relationship are pressure, dishonesty, struggles for control, breaks in communication, and inconsiderate behavior.
Abusive relationships are based on an imbalance of power and control. One person is making all the decisions – sexual choices, friend groups, boundaries, even what is true and what is not. You spend all your time together and feel like you can’t talk to other people, especially about what is really happening in your relationship. Warning signs of an abusive relationship are accusations, blame shifting, isolation pressure, and manipulation.
Domestic Violence and Dating Abuse are patterns of coercive, intimidating, or manipulative behaviors used to exert power and control over a partner. Typical warning signs may look like:
- Checking your phone, email, or social media accounts without your permission
- Stalking or cyber-bullying
- Putting you down frequently, especially in front of others
- Isolating you from friends or family (physically, financially, or emotionally)
- Extreme jealousy or insecurity
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Explosive outbursts, temper, or mood swings[1]
Violence in relationships often perpetuates from generation to generation. Children that grow up witnessing abusive behaviors often repeat that behavior because they have not been exposed to the qualities of a healthy relationship. To break the cycle of generational violence, people need to be able to talk openly about domestic violence and have the ability to self-reflect on their own behaviors.
How can you help someone who is scared and unsure of how to get safe?
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Identify the abusive behavior – “I’ve noticed how your partner (pushes, grabs, yells) at you and I’m worried.”
- Provide a safe space and let them know you are here if they need to talk.
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Believe and support them. Be there to listen and not judge.
- Offer support and validation. Let them know it is never their fault. “No one deserves to be treated that way.”
- Provide options, not advice. – “What works best for you” not “This is what you need to do.”
- Create a safety plan.
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Call House of Ruth’s Hotline for resources and information.
- 24-hour Crisis Hotline – 877-988-5559
House of Ruth has been providing lifesaving services to the community for 45 years and is dedicated to the prevention of domestic violence and the safety and well-being of those impacted by it. Services offered are residential emergency or transitional shelter, adult or children’s counseling, case management, community resources, legal advocacy, housing assistance, and prevention education. If you or someone you know needs help, please call our 24-hour Crisis Hotline at 1(877) 988-5559 or visit our website for more information at www.houseofruthinc.org.
Violence is preventable. If we can learn it, we can unlearn it. Violence is not healthy for people. If we can see it, we can stop it. Silence is violence. If we can talk about it, we can change it. “In Touch with Teens”
[1]Loveisrespect.org
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