Last month, I watched an epic drama lovingly named “Troll-gate” unfold on Facebook. On day 1, a child dropped a toy troll on the otherwise clean floor right outside the bathroom. The parent decided to leave it there to see how long it would take for their spouse or child to pick it up. On day 10, the parent posted that they picked up the troll to clean the floor and put it back, to see if anyone else would take care of it. It took 24 days until their spouse picked up the troll.
Many people applauded the decision of the parent to leave the troll untouched (and it provided me with several moments of chuckled amusement). The suspense and the obliviousness made for compelling content. But as I reflect on the incident more, I think it is actually indicative of a real issue: the problem of misidentified feelings and unspoken requests. The parent wanted to say to their family: “I am tired of being the only one cleaning up. Can you please pick up things around the house when you see them?” Instead they documented the 24 day #trollchallenge to the amusement of 2,000 followers.
I don’t believe this person or these kinds of interactions are unique. In my own house, my kids will often exclaim their feelings -
“I am thirsty!”
“She was mean!”
“My show isn’t over!”
When I take a step back and analyze these (what are often) shrieks or whines, I can recognize that what my children are actually sharing is a request:
“Could you please get me water?”
“Can you say kind words to me?”
“Before we leave, may I finish my show?”
And while the answer to some of these questions may sometimes be “no” I recognize that my kids (just like most of us) are much more likely to get what they want if they phrase their words as a request rather than a complaint or comment -- which means that making requests is a really important skill to learn, not just for children and not just for mundane things like water and tv shows.
But over the last few months, I have been witnessing more people spill their unfiltered feelings and fewer people make their specific request. There’s been a lot happening - in the world at large and in our small corner - to make us feel angry, frustrated, flabbergasted, saddened, or riled up. As I’ve wondered why there have been fewer requests and more rants, I have noticed some things:
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Sometimes we want or expect those around us to intuit what we need (and we then grow resentful when someone doesn’t fulfill our unspoken desire). Like the person in Troll-gate, we believe that the people around us should just know what we want - whether it’s to pick up the toy or for carline to move differently.
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Sometimes we don’t even know what we want. There are moments when we are flooded with feelings and it might feel easy, or even satisfying, to lash out. And this is when we need to breathe and ask ourselves “What am I feeling? And what do I need right now?” Rae Ringel, an executive coach with whom I have learned, shares an exercise in which people turn their complaints into requests. She asked people to write on the left hand side of a page a legitimate complaint you have about some aspect of our work or personal life. Then, on the right side of the page, to turn that complaint into a proper request. Because once we can name our emotions, we can usually name what would help us feel better.
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And sometimes, we think we have made a request but it is not actually clear to the person on the other side. Someone recently shared with me a frustration that they were not getting what they needed from a teacher. But it turned out they had never actually made the request. The parent had stated what they wanted, but the teacher did not know the parent wanted it from them. Rae shares a proper request has four components:
- WHAT: Name what you need
- FROM WHOM you need it
- BY WHEN you need it
- The CONDITIONS OF SATISFACTION that are how you want it
This of course doesn’t mean that every request will be granted. If my thirsty child says “Could you please get me a very large sugary drink this afternoon?” the answer will most likely be no. Even the most thoughtful and articulate request can be legitimately untenable - or even unreasonable.
But in organizing and parsing out our feelings into discrete and potentially actionable chunks - into requests - we are doing more than expressing our wants clearly and politely. I think we are actually making our world a better place to live. A person who can make a request is a person who knows what they are feeling and is looking for a solution rather than just sharing a problem. By identifying our own feelings about the things that we find challenging, and then asking for what we need, we will feel better. And in turn it is likely those around us will feel better about their relationship with us. Because though the answer may be no, our ability to manage our emotions by asking for a solution creates a kinder, gentler world. And might even prevent Trollgate 2.0.
