"Can it be that even as one grows to fit the space one lives in, one cannot grow until there's space to grow?" ~Rita Dove

I am 16 days late on sending this newsletter, so the next time you're late for something, ask yourself,

"is it more than 16 days..?"

If not, don't be so hard on yourself ;)

This month, I'd love to switch it up and tell you a story. If you're like me and really enjoy stories, grab a snack & a beverage, snuggle up and enjoy the read. This is a tale of love, loss, beauty, terror, and triumph.

Once upon a time, (as all great stories begin just this way), there was a young woman named Chandelier, "Shandy" for short. Shandy lived in the city, though she adored nature and kept small garden spaces outside of her home. Inside her home felt very much like the outside, with plants and vines adorning every nook and window ledge. Plants felt like Magic to Shandy and it was easy to be in love with them. She enjoyed the space and time she dedicated in her life to give them care and watch them grow. 

Plants, however were not the only things that Shandy loved. In fact, she loved very many things, people and places. She worked full time, had adorable fur babies, was planning her wedding with her loving fiance', participated in community organizations and committees, enjoyed being physically active, liked to spend time with friends, she liked to read, write and listen to music, she cooked and loved to eat and drink; Shandy even picked up new skills like learning piano and considered furthering her education. How beautiful and full her life truly was, she thought, even through a global pandemic. In the midst of so much Abundance, Shandy had also Suffered some losses and blows in a short period. Death and Illness had visited her family. 

One early morning (or very late at night depending on how you view 330am), Shandy woke up feeling not so wonderful about much of anything and her Mental and Emotional Health started to fade. Her Physical Health had also taken a turn and Shandy could no longer feel the Magic in the world. Where Beauty once grew, Fear and Panic had taken hold and the world felt different to Shandy. Shandy began to feel Hope slip away from her too, a feeling that she never thought possible, yet, here she stood; hands stretched out in front of her; Hope contorting, wiggling, trying to get away, like a thousand baby snakes through her fingers, even as she clutched for it.  

Shandy forgot who she was and did her best to look in the places that she used to feel  Magic, thinking that perhaps she might find herself there. She did not. She had hoped that she would find Beauty there. She did not. Her Heart was sick.

Time continued to pass and Shandy invested a lot more of her energy attempting to turn the ships of her overall Health around in every way.  Some days felt Victorious, with her fleet of efforts being cohesive and on track. Some days felt like a slope into oblivion, like a vast ocean opening up to swallow her whole. In spite of her exhaustion, she noticed the spark of Desire to be Well, which was why she was doing all of these things in the first place-Her Hope was back!   Or perhaps it never left, it just shrunk down in size. It was small and wavering but it was there! And it gave her strength to keep on steering her ships.  

As the months rolled forward still, she continued keeping on with life, her job, the committees, her wedding and the like; and she kept steering her ships. Shandy was asked over and over what she wanted, as people around her could see how lost she really was. Because of how complicated life had been, Shandy only wished for 2 things: Simplicity and Joy, but could not say what else she wanted in any way. 

With more time, Shandy saw that Anxiety, Fear and now Conflict had taken root in her life. Steering her ships became very tiresome and Shandy felt sicker than ever in some ways. How could this possibly be? After all that Shandy had done to course correct her ships and be Well, how and why was this happening? Though her Hope was growing, she could not find Beauty, Simplicity or Joy and her Hope stayed smaller than what she needed. She felt depleted. Foolishly, she began comparing her Pain to other peoples'. She began to compare her Hope too and the spiral became steep with her thoughts of Unworthiness.

With the small Hope that she had, she continued her search of Joy and thought that Fun and Excitement might be the answer. Shandy dove into her wedding planning. As she went along, she was asked again what she really wanted and Shandy replied "Simplicity and Joy". Yet with each passing day, she found less and less of those things. 

As Anxiety, Fear and Conflict grew, she could feel the slow burning right below the surface of her skin, which was becoming thin and impatient.  This wedding planning process held greater power over people than Shandy realized and the Fun began to fade as well. All at once, skeletons from the past began to unearth, forgotten arms and legs of old family feuds burst from their graves, stretching upward, reaching for relationships to eat alive, buffet style. The undead army of Hurt scratched open old wounds. Pain festered and Shandy hit a wall. It was then that she realized that she didn't need to know exactly what she wanted in order for her to grow her Hope and find Beauty again. She only needed to know what she didn't want and it was all right in front of her. Shandy quit her committees, cancelled her wedding and decided to go out for happy hour everyday for a week to have Fun.  She set boundaries that were non-negotiable.

For the first time in a very, very, very long time, an old friend came back into her life-Relief. It had filled the old graves and empty spaces on her bulging plate. Relief watered her Hope and she found Laughter again too. Her Hope bloomed overnight like flowers in Spring. She could see Beauty again, it was like Magic came back to the world!  

Shandy learned two very important things during this hard, long and full time of her life: 

1- We all like to think of our Hearts as being FULL. However, Shandy's Acupuncturist taught her that in Chinese Medicine, the Heart is meant to be empty; like a glass, it is only useful and able to work properly when it is empty. And, like her plants and gardens, she not only needed time to dedicate to them to help them grow, but she needed the space to do it. In tending to what she wanted in her garden, she needed to pull the weeds and prune from time to time. So, Shandy weeded, pruned and emptied her life as well to make that space.   

2-She is responsible for protecting her vision of the world- The Beauty and Magic, and her Joy are hers. Simplicity isn't easy, but it is also hers to create and maintain. Relief and Ease and Space are valuable and also worth protecting and nurturing.

Today, Shandy is Happy. And though she continues to steer her ships in Health, she now sees herself as a badass adventuring pirate that owns the ships and the oceans- because it is a lot more fun to think about having a talking pet bird on her shoulder. It's also easier to worry about bird shit than dumb shit ;)

Spoiler alert:  Chandelier is me.  My tiny garden brings me immense Peace. And we are happily eloping instead <3

To accompany my story, please enjoy one of my playlists entitled:

'The Field of Fucks is Empty & I'm Much Better Now'

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2iMhsPfWQPDcCJFbi3tW5n?si=063f598f95714bff

Upcoming class:

Monthly Yin Yoga is on pause for the summer and will return in September. Stay tuned!

I am currently accepting students for private session online and in person (outdoors or indoors at student's home) on a sliding scale basis. If you're interested in seeing what that looks like, check out my website FAQs here & shoot me an email-we can chat about it :)

Until next time, I'll leave you with this:

Living Darfur-Mattafix

...There's disaster in your past, boundaries in your path

What you desire will lift your higher

You don't have to be extraordinary, just forgiving

Of those who never heard your cries

You shall rise

You shall rise

And look towards the skies

Where others fail, you'll prevail in time

You shall rise...

Sooner or later, we must try living...

Wellness is the journey, the destination, the challenge and the reward.

With warmth and in great health,

Justine

P.S- Did you know that you can view past newsletters on my website?

www.justinebacon.com