How to Give Up People Pleasing and Master the Art of Responsible Selfishness

Greetings!

You have permission not to be nice this weekend.  Yes, you read that right. Blame me, your coach. 

Tell “them” you're on your break from Planet Pleasant and are on a selfish (not shellfish) diet and you are starting your own lobbying group called #MeFirst.

Dive on the couch with your provisions – crisps, chocs, wine, boxsets, manicure set - and develop your “talk to the hand” insouciance while you binge on whatever the heck you darn well want to. 

Sounds ace? Great. You get a gold star.

But if any of this is making you feel uncomfortable it could be because you were sold PPI (People Pleasing Insurance) at a young age and you can't seem to jump this lifetime payment plan of putting others first.

If we could get financial compensation for all the times we’ve attempted to please people, to be liked, to be seen to be doing the “right thing”, we could buy a small island in the Maldives and sip cocktails in coconuts, knowing we’ve made so many other people happy at vast expense to our personal health and happiness.

People pleasing is behaviour which when carried out to excess leads to seething resentment and a real sense of being an unheard or unseen extra in the drama of other people’s lives.

The Art of Responsible Selfishness

This could include things like driving a carload of worse for wear pals home because someone had to stay sober to drive, or working late because your workmate had childcare issues or more likely the person carrying the heavy load of another family member’s health, happiness and reckless life decisions.

You may get a nice tick box “ding” in your wellbeing by putting other's needs first, being indispensable and always being the one to take up the “nice guy” slack. This is your learned behaviour.

Donning the cloak of silent invisibility however does come at a price.  Life drifts by with everyone having a ball and you picking up the deflated balloons left behind of your own unmet dreams and years of duty and unpaid care.  

Pretty soon that willing amiable smile becomes a rictus grin that no nimble handed Harley Street aesthetics surgeon can turn around.

The Benefits of the #MeFirst Movement

Doing everything for everyone is not sustainable for your own well-being, because if you’re constantly overscheduled doing things for others, there’s no time to do your stuff, live your life, meet your dreams. 

Try “responsible selfishness” and put yourself first for once and pretty soon you will see why so many others love just doing it

Here’s some coaching tips to take you from dog's body to top dog:

• People pleasing is a sign of lack of self-worth. Start to get that your needs are valuable and matter too.
• Being a “good girl” or “helpful boy” when you were growing up was probably your way of coping by making (possibly dysfunctional/unhappy) parents happy.  It's not genetic so you can choose to disinherit this legacy.
• Are you being truthful and authentic when you “go with the flow” and feel like exploding afterwards?
• Get that people will still like you if you say “no”, “I am unable to help” or “sorry not this time”. It lets them know you have a life and boundaries worth respecting. Weirdly the stronger the boundary the more respect you will have. Love that.
• Learn to be “responsibly selfish” putting your needs first so you then have extra time, energy and generosity to give to others without an inner sulky pout.
• If you think this sounds mean please note - your investment in you will make you a better partner, parent, friend, family member as there will be more of a happier healthier you to go round.

Fancy a chat about this? Email me to book a call.