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JANUARY/ FEBRUARY 2022
Martha's Vineyard Mediation Program
We Can Work It Out!
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MEDIATION MUSINGS
Sara Barnes, Executive Director
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On Sunday I found one of my slippers upstairs on the newly adopted dog's bed. "Ohmi! No!" I said as she followed me into the hall. "Don't take my slipper!" Instead of continuing directly down the stairs, she turned with a suspicious look just as I tossed the slipper. It hit her lightly on her back. She flinched and ran away, out the doggie door.
For a while I didn't notice that she had made herself scarce. I called for her. No Ohmi. I went outside to the dog yard. She wouldn't come close, her tail between her legs. For about a day and half Ohmi regressed to the scared and skittish dog from her first days with us. Finally on Tuesday I was able to sit on the couch and pet her.
Trust
What does all this have to do with conflict? Trust. In our relationships with others we are always either making deposits into or subtracting from the reservoir of trust. We humans aren't so different from our canine cousins in that regard. My months with Ohmi had contributed drop by drop to the trust reservoir. Yet one incident when I raised my voice and inadvertently harmed her, slight though it was, had taken us many steps backward.
Lack of trust is pretty often the situation when a human conflict has become unmanageable. In our work we see this often. Lack of trust leads to conflict and the consequent negative assumptions.
- This from a workplace mediation session: "She walked right by me as if I wasn't there. That, along with the way she had responded to me in the meeting, showed me that I couldn't trust her. I had to watch my back all the time from then on."
- This from a post divorce parenting conflict: "The one thing I asked him to please do, he never does. My daughter comes home on Sunday without clothes for school on Monday. Every week. He doesn't care."
- Or this from a landlord/tenant conflict: "He came into the apartment to fix the heat and now it is colder than before. He is trying to make us sick."
In each of these cases, if there ever was a reservoir of trust built, it has been dramatically depleted. The actions may have been inadvertent, misunderstood, or unplanned. Like my toss of the slipper at the wrong moment, the reaction on the part of the other person––or dog––was to think the worst.
Building Trust and Undoing Assumptions
At just about any stage in a conflict, trust can be rebuilt. Slowly. Carefully. Intentionally. You do not have to approve of everything about the other person to work to build trust. Here's six ways toward raising the level in the trust reservoir.
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Listen. Just listen. You don't have to agree or refute. Just listen. Take it in.
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Don't Judge. Put aside your judgments. This is the truth according to the other person. Turn your viewfinder around so the video is playing from the other's experience.
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Paraphrase. Repeat back what you heard. So if I understand you right, you saw it this way . . . or, I want to make sure I get what you are saying . . . or, Here's the way it happened from your perspective . . . did I get it right?
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Encourage. Make encouraging statements designed to have the other person talk more about what has happened. Be open to hearing about their feelings. I want to know more about what you are thinking. Or, Anything else on your mind? Or, So you felt . . .
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Build Make deposits into the trust reservoir by being one or more of these: kind, helpful, reliable, curious, calm, safe, welcoming, open, friendly. You can only change yourself, not others.
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Trust meter. Keep track of your trust reservoir with each person with whom you are in relationship. Make deposits whenever possible; you may need that trust in the future. When your trust meter registers low level, go slowly and carefully.
Great news. Trust can be rebuilt. With intentional actions and patience, you can build trust with others. Here's how it sounds from a recent divorce case with a couple who had a full reservoir of trust created over many years: "I totally trust her, she always included me in her business. If she says its worth [. . .], I believe her. You can write down the figure she gave you, I don't need to question it."
My mistakes led to a momentary depletion of trust with my rescue dog. Over the coming years I hope to keep showing her that she can trust me. It is a daily practice of step-by-step learning about her needs and fears while showing by my actions that I can be trusted. Sometime down the road I may toss another slipper. I hope on that day Ohmi will think, Oh, that must not have been meant for me. My human can be trusted.
Read an article about building trust with more tips here: Trust article
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BOOK CLUB
The Way Out by Peter T. Coleman is our current book club read. Reading and discussion sessions are taking place every Thursday noon–1pm in January and February. It is not too late to join! We are only up to Chapter Five. You can catch up––we are learning together.
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MEDIATORS' CORNER
Check in every Wednesday 4–5pm to discuss aspects of conflict resolution in our community. Contact info@mvmediation.org to join us by Zoom. From February 9 to April 27 we will also focus on community outreach.
- 1/26/22 Diversity: Equity and Inclusion––take a survey
- 2/02/22 Brainstorming––using video of Australian mediation
Beginning February 9, we will have a series of open-to-the-public Mediators' Check-Ins. Please invite others to join us. A role-play demonstration will be included in every session. The Zoom link is below.
- 2/09/22 Consumer Mediation
- 2/16/22 Neighbor Mediation
- 2/23/22 Conflict Coaching
- 3/02/22 Financial Conflict Coaching
- 3/09/22 Family and Divorce Mediation
- 3/16/22 Workplace Conflict Conflict Resolution
- 3/23/22 Elder family and Estate Mediation
- 3/30/22 Agricultural/Farm/Aquaculture Mediation
- 4/06/22 Group and Organization Mediation
- 4/13/22 Re-Entry, Post-Release Mediation
- 4/20/22 Housing and Summary Process Mediation
- 4/27/22 Small Claims Mediation
All public presentations are at this Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86378014243
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Mediators: we are in Bristol County District Courts––on Zoom––most weeks, at the following times:
Fall River -Monday at 2 pm
Attleboro - Tuesdays 2 pm
Taunton - Thursdays 9 am
Contact us if you want to attend. Summary Process and Small Claims in Dukes County is postponed at the present time.
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Parent Mediation:
Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution
Are you having trouble at home? We can provide mediation or conflict coaching through Zoom, phone, or video conference. We have mediators with child development experience and can consider parent–teen mediation sessions based upon your circumstances. If you need help talking with your spouse or partner, we are part of the Parent Mediation Program providing parents––married, unmarried, divorced, or separated––with up to four hours of free mediation. MVMP Family and Divorce mediators can provide you with mediation sessions to discuss parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions, and communication, or to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve. Please contact the office to schedule an intake call. We are here to help.
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Mediação em casos de Divórcio e Conflitos em Família
Você está com problemas em casa? Nós podemos te ajudar oferecendo nossos serviços de mediação e treinamento para ajudar a lidar e resolver seus conflitos em familia. Oferecemos nossos serviços por Zoom ou telefone.
Conflitos entre pais e filhos. problemas conjugais ou com seu parceiro, ou relacionamento entre familiares. Mediadores com experiência em Divórcio e questōes familiares podem ajudar com custódia e visitação de menores, pensão alimentícia, divisão de bens e inclusive reconciliação.
Mediação não é terapia, mas sim uma forma de trazer as partes em conflito para uma conversa em um ambiente neutro, onde todos poderão falar e também ouvir o que a outra parte tem a dizer.
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Agricultural Mediation
Martha's Vineyard Mediation is part of a national network of USDA-supported farm, agriculture, and aquaculture mediation programs. If you know of any farms, farm stands, CSAs, or agricultural/ aquacultural businesses that have conflicts with debt, neighbors, succession planning, workplace conflict, management, or other matters, MV Mediation can help. Most services are free or low cost. Here is a brochure; please pass it on to those who may need these services. As a farm-supportive community, we want to be a help to the Island's farms and farming families.
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Mental Health Crisis
Across our Island, as in many other places, life's crises have had serious effects on individuals, couples, and families. Mental health needs are on the increase. MV Mediation does not provide mental health services, but we are able to provide referrals. Please reach out; we are good at listening and may be able to help you to take the first steps forward.
If you or someone you know is in a mental health crisis, please call 911, Emergency Services on Martha's Vineyard at 508-693-0032, or National Suicide Prevention at 800-273-8255.
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Conflict Coaching Can Help You or Someone You Know
It is not therapy. It is not advice or consultation. So what is Conflict Coaching?
Conflict Coaching is a one-on-one process, with the client and coach working collaboratively to deconstruct a specific conflict. The process usually takes place over two one-hour sessions. Those who go through coaching have reported making significant breakthroughs and have learned to use new conflict resolution tools. Our coaches can take on more cases than we have. Would you please tell those you know about this service?
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Facilitation Services
MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies, and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs.
"We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help." ––A recent facilitation client
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MV Mediation Needs Your Financial Contribution
Thanks to all our donors. We will make use of your contributions wisely. If you can help, we really appreciate your generosity.
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MV YOUTH
Juventude na Ilha
We have been in conversation with staff and administrators at several schools to determine how we can best support students, teachers, and the school community with our services. We look forward to including young people in our mission to create an Island of Conflict Resolvers. We will be working with various schools in grades 3 through 12.
Você poderia ajudar com o nosso programa para jovens na ilha? Envie essa pesquisa para jovens entre 13 a 22 anos ou adultos que trabalhem com jovens. Nós precisamos de informação sobre problemas que afetam os jovens em Martha’s Vineyard para podermos ajudá-los.
Would you please help our Youth Program? Send any young person between 13 and 22 or any adult who works with youth to our survey. We would like to have a broad cross-section of responses as we seek to understand the conflict landscape for young people here on the Island.
or call 505-693-2999.
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COMUNIDADE BRASILEIRA
NÓS PODEMOS TE AJUDAR
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Our services are available for those from Dukes and Bristol Counties who speak Portuguese. Please reach out to us if we can help you with housing, family, neighbor, or community disputes. |
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Nossos serviços estão disponíveis em português para os residentes em Dukes e Bristol County. Entre em contato conosco se voce necessita de ajuda com conflitos em casos de moradia, família, disputas com vizinhos, trabalho, e na comunidade. |
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If you are a member of the Brazilian community who would like to get involved in MV Mediation or learn more about what we do, please reach out.
Se você faz parte da Comunidade Brasileira em Martha's Vineyard e quiser se envolver com a nossa organização, por favor entre em contato para saber como pode ajudar.
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PROBLEMS WITH PAYING RENT?
BEHIND ON YOUR UTILITY BILLS?
CONFLICT WITH TENANT OR LANDLORD?
We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes, Barnstable, and Bristol Counties. If you are facing housing instability and can’t make your rent payments, contact us for information about the RAFT/ERAP program.
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PROBLEMAS COM ALUGUEL?
CONTAS ATRASADAS?
CONFLITOS ENTRE O PROPRIETÁRIO E INQUILINOS?
GRATIS Serviço de Mediação para qualquer tipo de problema relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes, Barnstable e Bristol.
Se você está sofrendo qualquer tipo de instabilidade com relação à sua moradia e não tem fundos suficientes para pagar o aluguel ou suas contas, entre em contato conosco para receber mais informações sobre o programa ajuda financeira do governo RAFT/ERAP.
ou ligue para 508 693-2199 (fale com Paula).
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Workplace Conflict
So many workplaces could benefit from improvement in conflict management. MV Mediation has mediators and facilitators who are able to provide support for conflicts within the workplace. We can provide mediation for conflicts that are unresolved and conflict coaching for individuals. Our Workplace Conflict Confidential Cohort group meets for 10 sessions, and supervisors and managers read through a text and share their challenges and successes in this workplace conflict article.
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Code of Ethics
MV Mediation service providers––mediators, coaches, facilitators and teachers––agree to adhere to the MV Code of Ethics. We hold ourselves to these ethical considerations so that we can provide quality services that are professional and principled. If you are interested in reading the Code, open the link here. Code of Ethics
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BOARD OF DIRECTORS CORNER
In January, the Board of Directors continued in our work on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion and came up with the following action items:
- incorporating racial equity into our mission and core values
- understanding better who our community stakeholders are
- creating inclusive literature that highlights racial equity
- making racial competency trainings available to board members
- revisiting our harassment policy
- defining terms like "marginalized" and "microaggressions"
The board also discussed our growth and what our optimal size and scope should be.
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We are Active on Social Media
This is a helpful way to support MV Mediation. Thanks!
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Our Mission
To serve our community by providing education, outreach,
mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation,
and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.
Our Vision
To create an island of competent, capable, and
effective conflict resolvers.
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Why I Mediate:
I am learning to do mediation and conflict coaching because I believe that our culture does not do a good job of teaching us how to talk about differences of opinion in respectful ways––we tend either to suppress them or to explode with them. Our world needs us to use conflict resolution and mediation to solve problems. ––Jane Katch, Conflict Coach and Mediator
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At MVMP our slogan is We Can Work It Out. Would you like to borrow this slogan?
Feel free. You Can Work It Out! We are here if you need our help.
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Thank you to our donors and sponsors for their continued support! |
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Thanks to our Professional Partners who help us with our training and professional development for our mediators, coaches, and facilitators. |
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