Blame them or Train them!

For the last 30 years it has been baffling for me to watch organizations trying to change conditions for women by only training the women. From women's affinity groups to the current, fill in the blank, concept book or consultant craze, the expectation has been if women change everything will change. Now being a strong believer in the power of women, I know training women is crucial and where the process begins. But there is a point where training only the women will ultimately frustrate the women even more.

You see, if you raise women's awareness on the nature of harassment, discrimination, or knowing what they want, women will get it. But then they will go back to the same ignorant environment that caused many of the problems in the first place but now with higher expectations.  They will be MORE upset if the environment remains unresponsive. You have to change the environment they return to not just the women. I have watched Susan change women's lives for the last 35 years. Why has Women Moving Forward® been so wildly successful? I think it is because she allows women to take a very, deep look into their past. Then look at the decisions they made from crucial events that shaped who they are. Then the course gives them the skills to reclaim their power and change the course of their lives.

When we train men about women we usually tell them about women but don't offer an equally deep look into how each of us as men have come to our understandings and prejudices about ourselves let alone women.   My standard joke is most twelve-year-old boys, learn about, women from thirteen year old boys! In last years Advanced Men's Course® we explored how most of our behavior comes from modeling the behavior of others. But we do it by watching others with no explanation or subtitles. A boy sees a man yelling at woman. The man does not turn and say to the boy:

"The reason I am yelling at your mother is because I was raised in an alcoholic family and that's what my father did to my mother.  The behavior is completely unconscious on my part. Please don't model this behavior or it will ruin your life as it has mine!" 

So the boy will come up with his own interpretation of the event. Frequently if the man is a primary role model he will repeat the behavior in some form unless there is an intervention of some kind.   Education and training is one possible intervention in this process. Not some cockamamie lecture or PowerPoint presentation but real training that can have been men understand how they became who they are before they try to understand who women are! And of course culture plays a HUGE part in this process in the creation of the unconscious norms of who women are and what they can or can't do.

The expectation of how we treat, manage and develop women is changing in many organizations. But have we truly trained men to the new way of being or just told them to change? Susan has mastered how to get women to change so why would we think it would take any less effort with stubborn, arrogant men? (I can say this because I am one.)

Example:

Women's #1 complaint about men is:  

MEN DON'T LISTEN!!!

Women have been telling men that they don't listen, since the dawn of time with very poor results. Men still don't listen. For the last 37 years men have attended my courses and for the first time actually understood what their wife or boss meant by "you don't listen". This is what it takes for men to understand one "simple concept". Most women get frustrated/mad/resentful/outraged/befuddled/mystified and disgusted when men can't seem to respond to a simple request called "listen".   But it truly isn't simple because men and women see the world so completely differently.

Where to start?

If you want to shift how an organization operates, I would start with the men who are willing. Those who are willing to change their minds if a cogent argument is presented. It is fine if they are skeptical. (Cynical however can be too high a mountain to climb.) If they actually know they are missing information or skills to produce the results they are after, more the better. If those who attend, have the ability to influence the thinking of others, that is the best.  

If you are ready to start, we will be returning to Europe specifically Geneva Switzerland to offer our Men Relationships and Work© workshop September 7-9, 2015. Let us know if you need more information.  [email protected] 

As always we invite your comments.