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Your mind might start running in circles: “What did I do?” “Did someone throw me under the bus?” “Am I getting FIRED?”
When the time for the meeting finally arrives, you might try to suppress these emotions of anxiety, but research in neuroscience suggests that when we suppress distressing emotions our ability to think clearly decreases, our capacity to recall memories drops and our creativity plummets. Even our authenticity declines because people pick up when someone is suppressing an emotion and the person comes off as “fake.”
Suppressing emotions might be temporarily advantageous when we feel we’re in a risky environment, though in the long term it doesn’t do us much good.
Instead of suppression, there are better ways to manage those strong emotions. Here are a few!
Labeling - Naming the emotion you’re feeling gives you objectivity about it. When people were exposed to unpleasant stimuli and asked to label their emotions during a PET scan, their distress dropped more than when they suppressed their reactions. So when your boss asks you to come into her office with ZERO context, simply say to yourself, “I’m feeling anxious,” or whatever emotions come up for you. Your immediate distress will drop, and rather than trying to deny that emotion (which doesn’t work) you’ll be able to look at the situation more objectively. “I’m probably acting defensive right now because I’m stressed and I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Reframing - After you label the emotion you’re feeling, re-frame it as something positive. Back to you and your boss: rather than stew in stress, defensiveness, and denial, look at the situation from a different angle. If it turns out you did make a mistake, then reframe this as an opportunity to learn, grow and move forward. You can take this initiative to show her you are willing to listen and adapt. Reframe it as an opportunity to connect with your boss more fully. With this mindset, you’ll be able to walk into her office with a learner’s mindset instead of tense as a caged leopard.
You can use this same technique with many other situations, including important conversations with a spouse, friend, or in-law (which, for some of us, might be the bigger challenge!).
Positive Priming - Another technique you can use when you’re facing a stressful situation is to play back in your mind a time when you were successful in the past. By doing this, we prime our brains to expect a positive outcome. Cortisol levels drop, dopamine and serotonin levels go up. Our body language changes, our voice gets deeper, and we come across as more authentic. Think of it like putting up a sail to catch a gust of wind from the past to propel you into the future.
When-Then Plans - Positive intentions are important for an outcome, but we need more than that. An intention only points us in the right direction, but then we need to move our feet! Researchers found that simply having an intention does not change a person’s actions. What really does change actions is tying behavior to a concrete event. “When I wake up each morning, then I will put on my running shoes.” “When my boss asks me about last month's failed project, then I will explain how I learned from it and how it will go differently next time." Having a concrete plan for different situations in your head will reduce stress and better prepare you for what lies ahead.
Next time you get a stressful email, take a deep breath: label your feelings. Refame the situation. Positively prime your mind. And create a When-Then plan so you're ready for any scenario.
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