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Limits are Love: Part Two
Some Tips on How to Set Effective Limits That Help Kids Develop Frustration Tolerance
By Liz Jorgensen
If there was one skill that could propel your child to personal and professional success, one skill that predicts better relationships, higher satisfaction in school and work and better self esteem overall, most parents would want to focus on building this skill every day if possible.
Research shows that the quality of "grit" or frustration tolerance and the ability to perservere is that super skill. In the beginning of my fourth decade of counseling I am very concerned to see parenting trends veering away from helping children and teens develop the ability to accept delays, obstacles, disappointments and challenges as a vital part of life ( and I might argue the greater part of adult life ) and ever closer to a "bubble wrapped" protected life. A 'curated' childhood, where conflicts and frustrations are either absorbed by parents and 'fixed' or parents' excuse their child's mistakes, unkindness or wrong actions so they never have to self correct and learn, is very damaging to kids and to our collective lives together. Why? Because all humans screw up, actually we mess up quite often as adults, but very frequently as kids and teens. Its just a fact, and mess ups are the best chance we have as parents to teach and guide lovingly and firmly the development of caring, thoughtful humans with grit.
Parents may consciously (or unconsciously) absorb too many of a child's natural consequences and challenges for fear that a child is too fragile or unable to "handle" what life gives them, but in fact this over fixing causes self doubt, lower self esteem and even anxiety to form. "I guess my parents dont think I am smart (strong, mature etc) enough to change my situation" is the unintended consequence many teens live with when parents over correct their errors.
Building on last months post I want to connect how setting and maintaining reasonable limits with children naturally builds their grit and helps them accept frustration on the path to developing into the good humans that they will become.
This month I want to help with the four top issues of behavioral "excess" we hear at Insight Counseling, screen overuse, sleep hygeine and respectful language/ behavior, truthfulness to towards parents/ caregivers.
All families must have boundaries and rules about screen use, including smartphone access, apps, online access and rules about use of screens in a child's bedroom at night (this related directly to the next point of sleep hygeine)
It is absolutely reasonable for parents to have either remote settings from their phone carrier that turn off at certain times or that only allow so many hours of social media or phone access per day. If you have allowed unrestricted use you will most likely face some push back (or even a teen temper tantrum or two) as you implement new rules and guidlines. My recommendation based on the American Academy of Pediatrics for middle and high school kids is that phones shut down an hour before the expected 'lights out' bedtime and that as long as kids are being responsible with school work and other activities then a 2 hour window of screen free time a day is a good rule. Parents should participate in this as well!
Sleep is the absolute key to your child's mental health, physical health and ability to learn. Tweens and teens needs 8 to 10 hours per night and parents must help them with limits on in room screens and a consistent bedtime. Again, you may introduce this as an important health measure and your child may object but together you can create a few small rituals and ways to connect around bedtime to avoid power struggles. So many teens' depression is improved immediately when they have enough regular sleep.
The last two issues I have lumped together as they tend to be "blended" within many teen/ parent conflicts, disrespectful language, behaviors and dishonesty. You may be shocked to hear that occasional lying to parents and caregivers is in fact a normal behavior in tweens and teens, especially when lying is related to gaining or keeping social connections and keeping privledges. The best way to encourage respectful speech is to speak respectfully ourselves and to try as hard as possible to not "take the bait" when our kids unleash upset an dhurtful words. "You are the meanest mother in the world!" "All my friends think you are psycho!" "Dad you have ruined my life!" these are a few of the top retorts our own kids used with us, in pain, anger and attempts to get us to back down on safety rules or social privledges. Of course I wan not always calm, but mostly I would reply "That may be true, and I know you are mad, in any event you cant go to an unsupervised party even if the whole school is there." I personally believe parents should respond to tirades in a firm and calm manner and then get out of the way befor ethings get too hot. Usually teens will calm down on their own, but very strong willed and frustrtade kids may keep coming back, begging, pleading, crying, guilting etc. Here come the opportunity for full throttle frustration tolerance boot camp. In the midst of your tween/ teens biggest temper tantrums you are able to masterfully teach them frustration control but simply NOT GIVING IN and staying calm.
If a child shocks you by saying something mean, cruel or rude, just walk away and text them or talk to them later something like "Not OK, inappropriate" No lectures are needed and they will be a weaker intervention then the short and sweet, "You know that is not cool. Im choosing to ignore this as long as you dont repeat it." I would usually find a way to positively connect with my kid later on as if they didn't utter a stupid, mean, impulsive thing. Sometimes they would spontaneously apologize, or show some pimate like sign of submission like a shoulder "bump," in any event, as parents we teach frustration tolerance AND empower our kids by letting them know we believe they are absolutely capale of better behavior and allowing them a little grace when they act out. This is important because teens have a real developmental challenge when it comes to managing their intense emotions. Sometimes our own egos and need to hear "Im sorry" or giving a full blown lecture ruins the opportunity for real learning and our kid feeling a tad guilty when they are rude. The key here is to neither over react not completely ignore a teens nastiness. In holding this middle path your child will grow and feel some guilt in how they treated you.
Guilt, in many instances, is a WONDERFUL thing as it helps us build our consccience and frustration tolerance so that one day, just like us they may think about very mean words and be able to hold them in.
These suggestions are a challenge and I realize that implementing new sleep and screen rules will be quite difficult if you have previously had no rules or rules that were not enforced. Consistency and Grit of your own are key to making changes that can really help your child develop in ways that are life changing.
More next month, or if you are so inclined, check my writing out on Substack by clicking here:
Elizabeth Jorgensen Substack
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