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Mediator Musings: Empathy

Sara Barnes

I believe the best mediators are empathetic toward those with whom they work. Alternately, I’ve seen that those who seem to lack empathy tend to be those who don’t stay in this field for long. In conflict resolution, I think, the empathy ingredient is often the part that creates the whole. For mediation, conflict coaching and group facilitation, this quality of empathy needs some consistent and intentional nurturing.

Conflict resolvers need to regularly apply some empathy to themselves. The stress can send people toward negativity. Those who have well-developed empathy muscles, both toward themselves and toward participants, seem to be the ones, in my experience, who have longevity in this work.

Empathy Can Be Learned

I’m from the school of thinking that says that empathy can be learned. I guess you can feign empathy, and it’s probably better to do this than the alternate approach. In my experience, though, people can tell if you are being real. Evolution has honed the human ability to detect fakers.

In his article "The Neuroscience of Empathy: A Key Skill for Mediators,” John Ford states that all humans have empathy. "[It] plays a crucial role in how we connect with others, allowing us to understand and share their feelings and needs. For mediators, this skill is indispensable—not only as a tool for resolving conflict but also for fostering trust and emotional understanding between conflicting parties.”

Empathy is Reciprocal

When people inquire about the toll that over forty years of conflict resolution has had on me, as a person, I point to the amazing and vast benefits I have received. If I am a small part of moving others forward in a positive way, I feel pride and satisfaction in my skills.

I think it is more than that. As I learned in my teaching career, you will almost never see the dramatic results right away. My empathy—at least I try to have it work this way—extends to the future. Seeing potential for optimistic possibilities and cheering for things to work out for the better fits somewhere into the empathy expanse. I hold on to my hope. Up against so many uncaring and diminishing forces, empathy is the only way I know to keep on doing this work.

Read a longer column here with many empathy resources linked.  

Our 2025 Annual Report Is Here

At MV Mediation Center, our mission begins with a commitment to serve our community. Our 2025 Annual Report reflects that commitment in action—from handling more than 500 cases, supporting individuals, families, tenants, consumers and organizations, to expanding education and community dialogue opportunities across Martha's Vineyard, Bristol County and beyond.

The work is powered by a growing community who believe that listening, understanding and working through conflict together are worth investing in. We invite you to explore the report, celebrate what we've accomplished together, and consider making a gift to help us serve even more in the year ahead. Your support today will help ensure that next year's annual report tells an even stronger story of community and conflict resolution in action.

Know Your Rights as a Homeowner

Massachusetts homeowners have access to valuable protections through the state's Home Improvement Contractor (HIC) Program, overseen by the Office of Consumer Affairs and Business Regulation (OCABR). The HIC program helps protect consumers and regulate the business practices of contractors.

For more information, click here for 10 ways to protect yourself from contractor scams and/or visit their website.

MV Mediation has been selected as a Cape & Islands United Way Community Impact Partner for the 2026–2027 grant period. Through this award, we received $5,000 to support our Productive Conversations Program, designed to help older adults navigate conflicts through confidential, one-on-one conflict coaching. The program expands resource access to for older adults while reducing isolation, building communication skills, and strengthening community connections. We are grateful to Cape & Islands United Way for investing in this work.

MV Mediation received a $35,000 grant from the Massachusetts Bar Foundation's IOLTA Grants Program to support our Court Mediation Program. This funding will help us continue providing accessible court-connected mediation services that expand access to justice by providing parties with an opportunity to work toward mutually acceptable resolutions outside the traditional courtroom setting. We are very grateful to the Massachusetts Bar Foundation for its investment in access to justice in the commonwealth and for supporting our efforts to advance that mission in the communities we serve.

Guest Article: From "Reframing in Mediation: What We Are Really Doing, and Why We Name It" by Samantha Hardy

Most mediators are taught how to reframe. Fewer are taught how to explain reframing, and even fewer are encouraged to be transparent about why they do it. Reframing is often described to students as “restating something more neutrally,” “removing toxicity” or “putting it in a way the other party can hear.” That description is not wrong, but it is radically incomplete. It hides the amount of judgment, responsibility and ethical care involved. It also obscures the power mediators hold when they reshape meaning in the room.

If we take reflective and aspirational practice seriously, reframing deserves a clearer explanation. Not just for mediators, but for clients too...Radical transparency does not mean over-explaining every move. It means making the purpose and limits of our interventions intelligible. Transparency turns reframing from something we do to people into something we do with them...That is not technique for technique’s sake. That is artistry in service of conflict work done well. Read entire article, a must for practicing mediators, here.

We are here to serve our community, all residents, regardless of immigration status. See information about immigration here. If you know someone on Martha’s Vineyard who needs advice on immigration matters, please contact Corey Lazar, immigration attorney, for a FREE consultation. Click HERE to request a FREE consultation.



Estamos aqui para servir nossa comunidade, todos os residentes, independentemente do status de imigração. Veja informações sobre imigração aqui. Se você conhece alguém em Martha’s Vineyard que precise de orientação sobre questões de imigração, entre em contato com Corey Lazar, advogado especializado em imigração, para uma consulta gratuita.

Governor Healey presents the Cottagers with a special citation. Photo by Jeanna Shepard, courtesy of the Vineyard Gazette. Read more from the Vineyard Gazette here.

BOARD MEMBERS IN THE COMMUNITY Congratulations to MV Mediation Board member Leah Brown, who recently chaired the restoration of Cottagers' Corner in Oak Bluffs. The beautifully restored historic building officially reopened in June following a years-long preservation effort led by Leah and a dedicated team. The project celebrates an important piece of Martha's Vineyard's African American history while ensuring the space continues to serve the Island for generations to come.

We're proud to celebrate Leah's leadership and dedication to our community.

BOARD OF DIRECTORS' COMMUNITY SUPPORT

Announcing a new Non-Profit organization, AAA Bilingual Community Navigators.

The organization will support access for Brazilian residents to services and systems on Martha's Vineyard.

This new organization attended MV Mediation's Annual Meeting as part of our committed support and technical assistance. Check them out on Instagram and send them your support.

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

A weekly drop-in for those in the conflict resolution field including local, national and international mediators, facilitators and coaches. New topics weekly. Donations appreciated. Wednesdays at 4 pm––all welcome!



Series: "Contested Language Meaning: Sorting Out Meanings in Mediation"

• July 1 — "Communication"
• July 8 — "Professional"
• July 15 — "Independent"
• July 22 — "Grateful"
• July 29 TBD — other broad terms with contested meanings

Series: "Wrestling with Our Own Mediator/Coach Judgments—What to Say When . . ."

• August 5 — When their money decisions don't match your own
• August 12— When their parenting decisions don't match your own
• August 19 — When their planning decisions don't match your own
• August 26 — When their workplace decisions don't match your own

September Series: "Meet This Amazing Mediator"

Email education@mvmediation.org for the Zoom link. Have a suggestion for Mediators’ Check-in?

Send your ideas here: https://forms.gle/J7mFfw99awtKKsS

A Sweet Surprise! 🧁

One of the consumers we recently assisted through our Local Consumer Program Advocacy and Community Mediation services, stopped by our office with cupcakes to thank our team after we helped resolve a consumer-business dispute. The case was settled through months of work with their consumer advocate and came to a final agreement with the support of a mediation team.

While the cupcakes absolutely brightened our day, the greatest reward is helping consumers and businesses reach fair resolutions. Thank you for your thoughtful kindness—it means so much to our staff!

If you're experiencing a consumer issue, our Local Consumer Program may be able to help. We provide free consumer assistance through our partnership with the Consumer Advocacy & Response Division of the Massachusetts Attorney General's Office. 

As summer reaches its peak, July invites us to celebrate freedom, connection and the diverse communities that make us stronger. Whether gathering with family and friends, celebrating traditions or enjoying the season's milestones, July offers opportunities to strengthen the relationships that help our communities thrive.

Independence Day (July 4) — Independence Day is a time to celebrate our nation's history while remembering that healthy communities depend on civic engagement, respectful dialogue and the ability to navigate differences constructively. As we celebrate our freedoms, also consider reflecting on the responsibility we share to listen, learn and work together.

Disability Pride Month — Disability Pride Month celebrates the contributions, achievements and experiences of people with disabilities while promoting inclusion and accessibility. This month was specifically chosen to commemorate the American with Disabilities Act (ADA), signed into law on July 26, 1990.

Summer Gatherings — From family reunions and neighborhood events to community celebrations and outdoor activities, July brings people together. These gatherings offer opportunities to strengthen relationships, practice communication skills and build the connections that help our communities remain resilient through both challenges and successes.

Most services are free or low-cost thanks to USDA funding. As a farm-supportive community, we're proud to support the people who keep Martha's Vineyard's agricultural traditions thriving.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve. Listen to this description of Divorce and Family Mediation.

Here is a recent article about the practice of Couples Mediation, a conflict resolution process for couples who are working to strengthen their conflict resolution skills and work toward making better decisions through improved communication and understanding.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação. info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Tenant or Landlord Conflict?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals, pre-release, and recently released individuals, post-release. For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED

MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMC offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

 –– A recent facilitation client

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in your daily life. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops and courses.

Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn

THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thank you for being part of our important conflict resolution work for 41 years. Your generosity helps us to further our impact and support community needs.

OUR MISSION

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an Island of competent, capable and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you to our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

Thanks to partners who help us with our professional development and service provision by mediators, coaches and facilitators.