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Mediator Musings: Weaving Generations

                                                                       by Sara Barnes

"I finally realized college debt is a real problem. I had thought it was just entitled whining. Once my grandkid told me the details of their situation, I realized my assumptions were so wrong." ––A grandfather born in the 1940s, about grandchildren born in the 2000s

"When you explained to the staff that our elderly clients were from a generation where spelling, grammar and proofreading were markers of intelligence and being well educated, we realized we shouldn’t take it personally when they police our newsletter so harshly." ––A nonprofit leader who works with the older adult population

"They had to save all these paper photos. As I was going through my grandmother’s things, I realized how precious the albums were. For their time, it was the only way to keep a visual memory, in its physical form. Now I sort of get it why she doesn’t want us to throw anything away; I used to think she was a hoarder." ––A Gen Z, about his grandmother’s belongings

Listening

The misunderstandings, assumptions and judgments between generations cause some real conflicts. It is natural for people to believe the way they were raised, the time they grew up and the standards they considered as the norm are superior to other generations’ ways of being. Just like my grandmother and her hand-cranked dryer, it is hard to adopt to new ways.

We, as a species, have evolved with a negativity bias toward new ideas. It is hard to turn off our condemnation of each other and really pay attention with an open mind. As you read in the above quotes, lifted recently from my own life, being open and noticing other generations’ realities can pay a dividend of understanding, appreciation and expansive awareness.

The generations do weave themselves together, even if we tend to cluster around others with a similar age and stage. From babies to elders we gather, at weddings, funerals and vacations. We see each other up close. As we observe other generations socializing, eating, dancing, laughing, we take in a bit about what it might be like to live another life, from another time, with other generational influences.

Talking across generations

Our series Weaving Generations is designed to provide a forum for uncovering the misunderstandings and missed opportunities between generations. The organizers say: “Through stories, small group discussion, and a little laughter, we’ll explore what’s underneath generational misunderstandings –– and how listening across decades can examine assumptions, challenge stereotypes, reduce conflict and build community. Join us for a lively, multigenerational conversation about how generational experiences shape how we live, work, communicate and connect.”

Read a longer version, with many links and resources, here. 

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IS IT EVER REALLY ONLY OVER MONEY?

Guest article excerpt from Roster Member, Mediator, Conflict Coach and IP Attorney Marie MacNichol; see full article here.

The dispute was over a relatively small financial amount resulting from claimed unsatisfactory work and the subsequent loss of rental income. The account raises important questions about the deeper factors that can influence dispute resolution beyond simple financial concerns. The disputed amount was less than $10,000, a relatively modest sum. Despite exchanging an offer and a counteroffer, the parties ultimately were unable to reach a settlement.

After the mediation concluded without resolution, I reflected on the possible reasons a settlement was not achieved. If the issue was simply about money and both sides were open to negotiation, what underlying factors prevented an agreement?

The property owners, experienced with seasonal rentals, had encountered similar issues in the past that were always resolved quickly. They believed the persistent problem resulted from the contractor’s failure. They expected complete compensation for the loss of revenue. The contractor chose not to make any further counteroffer, and the mediation ended without a settlement.

This case continued to weigh on my mind. As a mediator, I see my role as to assist parties in constructive communication. In this mediation, I ensured each party was able to express themselves and feel heard. The parties discussed the details of the problems and the efforts made to resolve them. Negotiations proceeded smoothly until they stalled, and I wondered if there was more I could have done.

On further reflection, I realized the reason this case troubled me was that I had treated it as “only about money,” without considering the underlying importance of the money involved. I did not ask what significance the property held for its owners.

Had I asked the property owners the question, “What does this property mean to you?” is it possible that the owners might have acknowledged any underlying fears? May they have recognized that their concerns may not be solely about money? And in doing so, may they have been more open to resolution?

Going forward, whenever I think an issue is “only about money,” I will remember that it is likely never just about money.

MEDIATORS’ CHECK-IN

A weekly drop-in for those in the conflict resolution field including local, national and international mediators, facilitators and coaches. New topics weekly. Donations appreciated. Wednesdays at 4 pm––all welcome!



Co-Mediation Series:

• March 4 –– Co-mediation: Working it out in the mediation
• March 11 –– Co-mediation: Debriefing and peer feedback 

Active bystander Series (non-mediators welcome!):

• March 18 –– Active bystander––What stops us from acting?
• March 25 –– Active bystander––Should I take action?
• April 1 –– Active bystander––What could I do or say?

Taking Notes

• April 8 –– Using a chart to keep track
• April 15 –– Drawing a diagram
• April 22 –– Only quotations
• April 29 –– Using a fill-in template

Email education@mvmediation.org for the Zoom link.

Have a suggestion for Mediator Check-in? Send your ideas here: https://forms.gle/J7mFfw99awtKKsS

HIGHLIGHTING OUR PARTNERS:

THE CENTER FOR LIVING

The Center for Living is a dementia support organization that serves all six towns on Martha's Vineyard and leads the way for those with dementia and their caregivers. Their mission is: To provide services and programs that create a dementia-friendly environment, promote dignity, reduce stigma, support independence and foster community engagement. In our work with the Productive Conversations program, we look to the Center for Living for guidance, referrals and learning about core conflict in multigenerational families. See their services here. mvcenter4living.org

March invites us to continue building inclusive communities by reflecting on how equity, justice and belonging show up in our daily interactions—at home, at work and in our neighborhoods.

Women’s History Month –– A time to honor the contributions, resilience and leadership of women past and present. This month encourages us to reflect on the achievements of women from diverse backgrounds, recognize ongoing challenges and amplify voices that have historically been marginalized.

St. Patrick’s Day (March 17) –– Traditionally a day to celebrate Irish culture, St. Patrick’s Day also invites us to explore the richness of cultural heritage more broadly. It’s an opportunity to cultivate curiosity, respect, and appreciation for traditions different from our own, while reflecting on the value of inclusion and diversity in the communities we share.

World Poetry Day (March 21) –– A celebration of creative expression and the written word, World Poetry Day highlights how art can open doors to empathy, dialogue and shared understanding. Poetry allows us to experience perspectives outside our own, fostering reflection and connection that can inform more compassionate and inclusive interactions.

FAMILY MEDIATION PROGRAM

Divorce, Family & Conflict Resolution

We offer help talking with your spouse or partner about divorce, parenting issues, custody schedules, financial decisions and communication itself, and can help you to renegotiate existing plans. We also work with reconciling couples and those who have conflicts they need help to resolve. Listen to this description of Divorce and Family Mediation.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE FAMÍLIA E DIVÓRCIO

Divórcio, Disputas em Familia e Resolução de Conflitos

Conflitos entre marido e mulher, pais e filhos, problemas conjugais, com parceiros ou entre familiares, divórcio, custódia física e legal, planejamento para os cuidados do menor, visitação de menores, revisão do suporte financeiro e plano de visitação, divisão de bens e possível reconciliação. info@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2999

HOUSING MEDIATION PROGRAM

Tenant or Landlord Conflict?

We offer FREE MEDIATION for housing cases in Dukes and Bristol Counties and information about RAFT––rental financial assistance for back rent or moving out. Take a look at this article from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reporting about erroneous information about tenants being used and affecting homelessness and evictions.

MEDIAÇÃO EM CASOS DE MORADIA

Conflitos entre o proprietário e inquilinos?

Mediação GRÁTIS para qualquer tipo de conflito relativo a sua moradia nos Condados de Dukes e Bristol, e informações sobre o RAFT- programa de assistência financeira.

admin@mvmediation.org or call 508-693-2199

RE-ENTRY PROGRAM

Easier Transition from Incarceration to Community

Re-entry Mediation is FREE to incarcerated individuals, pre-release, and recently released individuals, post-release. For more information, check out our flyers for pre-released and post-released individuals.

IN-COURT AND COURT-REFERRED

MEDIATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides free mediation services for eviction cases in Bristol and Dukes Counties. We are present at District Courts in Attleboro, Fall River, Taunton and Edgartown for summary process cases. MVMC offers free services for civil cases and small claims in advance of the court date. We are also qualified to provide in-court and court-referred services for Dukes County District, Superior, Probate and Family Courts. We provide mediation for pre-criminal and 286 E harassment cases. Our Juvenile court mediators help with cases referred from the Juvenile Court. MV Mediation waives fees for cases referred by court or with an active docket number. 

WORKPLACE CONFLICT MANAGEMENT

MV Mediation provides support to resolve conflicts in the workplace. We provide workshops and develop conflict resolution projects with workplaces, nonprofit organizations and municipal and trades workplaces. Our confidential Workplace Management Cohort for supervisors and managers is a popular offering.

FACILITATION SERVICES

MV Mediation provides facilitation services for groups, boards of directors, organizations, companies and families. Neutral and confidential facilitation allows those who are attending the meeting to fully participate. If you need facilitation services, please reach out to discuss your needs. Read this article that describes how a facilitator can help you or your organization.

“We are in a much better place since we had a facilitator help us to pull things together. Thanks to the mediation program for all your help.”

 –– A recent facilitation client

SOCIAL MEDIA

Following us on social media is a great way to support MV Mediation! Connect with us on Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn. Don’t miss out on helpful tips about managing conflicts in your daily life. You will also get the latest information about community events, workshops and courses.

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THANK YOU, DONORS!

Thank you for being part of our important conflict resolution work for 41 years. Your generosity helps us to further our impact and support community needs.

OUR MISSION

To serve our community by providing education, outreach,

mediation, conflict coaching, facilitation

and related services to help prevent and resolve conflicts.

Our Vision

To create an Island of competent, capable and

effective conflict resolvers.

Thank you to our donors and sponsors for your continued support!

Thanks to Partners who help us with our professional development and service provision by mediators, coaches and facilitators.