Make Like Otis Redding and Try A Little Tenderness – how to fill the hole in your soul

Hello Carole Ann,

Are you all there?

It’s not a question one usually asks oneself but I can’t be the only one with that unbidden psychic clickbait in the brain that randomly questions “Am I missing something?” It can be a driving ambition or a striving for more – of what, exactly? Sometimes no matter how much we have the less it seems to matter.

Thing is, as a coach, I know many people are masters of knowing what they don’t want but struggle with nailing what they do desire, and then, committing to the idea of it.

We are all a fuzzy, confused balls of needs and wants and it’s an itch that can’t be scratched - even with nail extensions. 

It is my core belief that the most common human yearning is for connection; a true union with our fellow humans that makes us feel safe, understood – at home. 

It is the one friend you have goose-honks laughter with as you share your lame joke or you sit down with a sigh of contentment knowing you have found your peace, your place, your soul salve.

How to be “all there”

Living on the frontline of grief, after a recent sudden loss, I know now how important it is to guard my peace mindfully and choose where I put my precious time and energy. It’s important I mind my own gap.

Seeking meaningful connection (there’s a time and place for mindless fun and frolics – it’s not for me, right now) it’s best to avoid those on permanent broadcast, those too awkward or lacking in courage to ask, “how are you, really?” or who have zero curiosity to go deeper.

When I train my students at the Pure Coaching Academy (intentional plug – not sorry) I say to my coaches “Dare to ask the deeper question. The really big, deep and tricky questions their family, friends and loved ones are never going to ask or dare to go near”.

This makes a great coach. It also allows the other person to feel heard, seen and “got”.

• It’s fresh, clean and a place of holy relief.
• It is a great gift of friendship and care. 
• It’s the most reassuring feeling on earth. 

Truly listening to what lies beneath and being curious without judgment is an act of love.

Some people may be spikey so resist saying “it’s like walking on eggshells” when that person is shattered from within and it’s their broken heart you are stamping on. 

It’s not about your feelings right now (awkwardness/fear) but theirs. As we coaches know we have to get ourselves out of the way to be of service to others.

Sad people are super sensitive and hungrily crave softness and understanding.

Have the courage to step forward in empathy and compassion. Sympathy is feeling sorry with a level of detachment. Compassion and empathy demands stepping out of your shoes and actively trying to grasp what it’s like in another’s; no matter how uncomfortable or pinchy. It involves a desire to help.

This connection, when it lands, is a salve to our souls and a superpower worth developing.

The kick-back for you is cosmic and karmic as you feel you have made a difference and put a small dent in an uncaring universe.

Go on, be brave and try a little tenderness.