Let me share a little about taking my Fifth Step 42 years ago and then a little about living the
moral principle of this Step – integrity. In hindsight it’s clear that this Step was both cathartic and
healing as well as the beginning of a long journey for an atheist toward a spiritual awakening.
“In my Fifth Step I sat with someone for several hours going through all I had written. He shared
some of his former skeletons which gave me the courage to share mine. The first of several
remarkable things happened with the skeletons. I didn’t realize it until later in the day, but all the
guilt and shame attached to the skeletons disappeared. The vials of poison that had been setting
in the shadows of my brain had disappeared – never to return. Another remarkable thing
happened as I shared myself totally with another human being. The wall I had built to protect
myself from hurt began to slowly crumble. As I made myself vulnerable by disclosing my true
self, I felt like I was rejoining the human race. I trusted this man. I hadn’t truly trusted anyone for
a long time. Later, I came to describe this part of the process as the healing part. And, later, I
came to describe the Fifth Step as the beginning of my spiritual awakening. Holding on to secrets
blocks spiritual progress and freedom. Sharing them frees me to move on without bondage.”
The Step showed that I had indeed taken an honest look at myself, not simply blaming everyone
one else for my issues. It was cleansing. A mountain of guilt about past mistakes was washed
away simply by full disclosure. The shame of being “less than, not good enough” began to
subside as I became able to accept my humanness and imperfections. I was a human being, just
like everyone else, no better no worse. This self-acceptance was the beginning of the healing
process of the Twelve Steps.
I had been hiding out my entire life. By being willing to make myself vulnerable by honestly
opening up to another human being, I was reentering the world of trusting and reconnecting. This
was the wall coming down as mentioned above. Holding on to recovery today means being
careful to not rebuild that wall. Openness, honesty, fearlessly expressing and being who I really
am is at the heart of living Step Five for me. Being who I am, not playacting who I think you
want me to be, or hiding my real self. This opening up and self-acceptance was the first step in
making major changes. I can’t change me until I accept who I am. In the program I’m learned the
change process is “awareness, acceptance, action.” I was now totally open to a new set of ideas,
beliefs, and attitudes.
One last point on self-forgiveness. I learned that the basic instincts and needs of humans are
God-given and therefore okay: to love, to be loved, to belong, to be recognized as a person, to
feel self-worth, to be affirmed, to feel secure materially and socially, to seek sexual gratification.
I’m not a bad person for feeling these needs. What I must avoid is going to destructive extremes
to satisfy them.
Don C.