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I once ran across a saying attributed to a Buddhist teacher or a Zen master, “You are perfect as you are…and you can be better”. That one has always stuck with me. There can exist a tension between self-acceptance and self-improvement, but the fact is both are needed. Self-acceptance without self-improvement would reflect that I have stopped learning and growing, and I will, most likely, annoy the sh%# out of those around me. Self-improvement without self-acceptance usually leads to neurotic self-flagellation with a belief that, “I will be enough when I have achieved (fill in the blank)” and I will, most likely, annoy the sh%# out of those around me. Dan Harris, journalist, and mindfulness convert, draws a distinction between guilt and shame versus wise remorse. The choice between beating ourselves up over our inevitable screw-ups or exploring what we can learn from them and how we might do better next time. I like that distinction.
We have been reading and discussing David Brooks’ book, How to Know a Person, at the Thursdays@10 group. Brooks asserts that the act of building/maintaining friendships or creating a community involves a series of very specific small, concrete social actions well. These actions include disagreeing without poisoning the relationship, revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace, being a good listener, knowing how to end a conversation gracefully, knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness, knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart, knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering, knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced, and knowing how to see things from another person’s perspective. These, he believes, are the most important skills that a human being can possess yet these are skills that are rarely taught. He then offers guidance as to how to develop these skills. He also reminds us that the research indicates that most of us believe that we are better at these skills than we really are.
Throughout the discussions about the book, I keep coming back to this notion that we are enough, and we can be better. Most of us have some skills in truly getting to know a person, and most of us can be much better at it. Brooks shares research that reports the following:
- Depression rates are surging.
- Between 1999 and 2019, the suicide rate in America has increased by 33%.
- Between 2009 and 2021 the percentage of teens who report “persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness” rose from 26% to 44%.
Friends, we are called to go beyond merely understanding that we are to care for one another. We need to constantly develop the skills to do so. Amid the current cultural crisis of isolation, loneliness, and despair, it can be argued that there is no greater priority than for us to grow in our willingness, ability, and skills to truly know one another, to be able to really see and hear one another, to be present with one another through struggles and suffering, and to develop the skills of deep empathy. Using the words of David Brooks, the morality of connection and the required social practices are the clarion call of our cultural crisis. I think that Brooks’ book is a wonderful place to start. I would encourage us all to take up this challenge. Can you imagine the impact that we can collectively have on our families, our church, our community, and the world by developing the skills to deeply know one another? The possibilities are life changing…and life saving.
Our responsibility in life is to do the greatest good for all of humanity.
- Dharma Master Cheng Yen
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