|
I just got back from Sedona, Arizona. I was visiting the Slim Bro and family.
This trip, I tried to stay in the moment. I didn't check my emails. Didn't look at my phone every two minutes.
I just remained present and pretended to listen to what every one had to say. It wasn't easy!
I did pick up my guitar and strum some songs as I sat on the couch with my niece.
But I didn't crack open the MacBook or stare at my StupidPhone.
When I got back to the Slim Shack just now, I started checking my emails. First one was from a guy asking if the Rat Pack Duo was playing at Larkspur this Wednesday.
He was coming all the way from Delaware. Used to be a TV director, included the Slim Man Band in some Christmas shows on CBS in Baltimore. I emailed him back...
Yes! The Rat Pack Show is ON this Wednesday, January 1st. Hope to see you there!
Before I hit the send button, I looked down at the rest of his email.
He was responding to a newsletter I wrote...
Last year at New Year's!
Wow. Last year! I don't expect everybody to read every single newsletter, but once a year? Ouch!
I remember that newsletter because it was one of my most...poplar, as we say in Bawlmer.
In that missive, I listed almost all the bad jokes I've told in these newsletters for the past couple years. I called my cringeworthy compilation, The Best of the Worst.
And as I was reading them this evening in my lime green bean bag chair at Slim's Shady Trailer Park, I thought...some of these ain't so bad!
So for this New Year's newsletter I thought I'd include some of those old groaners and add some new eye-rollers from 2024.
Here goes!
2024
For the New Year, I've resolved to start a new business called "Resolutions."
It's gonna be a gym the first two weeks of the year and a bar for the rest.
***********
I wrote a new song today.
It's called If I Can't Be Your Number One, Then Number Two on You.
***********
My sweetheart was cooking me dinner for Valentine's Day and asked for some peace and quiet.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
***********
The key to having a smoking hot body in old age?
Cremation.
***********
I'm writing a new book about drinking beer.
I'm on my 4th draft.
***********
I just finished my new book. It's called "Reverse Psychology."
Please don't buy it.
***********
McDonald's has a new burger named after the lead singer of the Rolling Stones.
It's called the McJagger.
***********
I bought some golf balls at the airport, put them in my pants pocket and got on a plane.
A woman sat next to me and kept staring at my bulging pockets.
I looked at her and explained, "Golf balls."
She thought for a second and said...
"Is that anything like tennis elbow?"
***********
My friend has an excellent nose for wine.
It's shaped like a corkscrew.
***********
I was in my hotel room, dialed the front desk and told them I needed a wake-up call.
She rang me back me back and yelled, "What are you doing with your life?!?"
***********
I told my niece she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
***********
After winning a really big game, I threw the ball into the stands, just like they do on TV.
Apparently, that's not acceptable in bowling.
***********
I walked into a seafood restaurant and asked them if they served crabs. They said...
"We serve everybody."
***********
When I asked my local gym if they could teach me gymnastics, they asked me how flexible I was.
I told them, "I'm free most Mondays and Tuesdays."
***********
It used to be taboo to discuss plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures.
But these days, if you mention Botox, nobody raises an eyebrow.
***********
I'm thinking of starting a food truck that only makes dishes which use marijuana as the main ingredient.
I'm gonna call it...
The Canni-Bus.
***********
I went to a psychiatrist, she told me I had a split personality, then charged me $150.
I gave her $75 and told her to get the rest from the other guy.
***********
I went to a football-themed costume party dressed as a windmill.
My partner asked me what I was supposed to be.
I said, "I'm a big fan."
***********
I've created a kinder, gentler superhero.
Aluminum Man.
Kinda like Iron Man, but instead of killing the bad guys, he just...foils their plans.
***********
I just spent my whole paycheck on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
***********
For Christmas, I put a map on the kitchen wall, gave my sweetheart a dart, and told her we would vacation wherever she threw it.
Turns out we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.
***********
2023 and before...
If you're ever accosted in a deli, it's possible to stab that person with a piece of cheddar cheese.
But only if it's extra sharp.
***********
I found a place where I can get gas for $1.99.
Taco Bell.
***********
The Goo Goo Dolls and Lady GaGa are coming out with a new children's CD.
It's called GooGooGaGa.
***********
I've been teaching my dog to fetch tools from the Slim Shed.
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill.
***********
I went to the bar at Wimbledon dressed as a tennis ball.
I got served right away.
***********
I'm going to the bank later today, and if all goes well, I will be completely out of debt.
I'm so excited I can barely get my ski mask on.
***********
I called the incontinence hotline yesterday.
They asked me if I could hold for a couple minutes.
***********
An 18-wheeler got caught in a hurricane here in Palm Springs, rolled over, and spilled its cargo of wigs and hairpieces.
Police are combing the area.
***********
Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni, the guy who invented the skating rink cleaning machine.
Even though he's been dead for years, his name still resurfaces.
***********
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't too happy, but the front door looks great!
***********
Have you heard about the new male hygiene spray?
Their slogan:
Umpire.
For foul balls.
***********
Someone broke into Slim's Shady Trailer Park and stole all the coffee cups.
Now I gotta go to the police station and look at mug shots.
***********
I went on a date with a woman who said she was attracted to men with power.
I told her I just paid my electric bill.
***********
I went to Dick’s Halfway Inn and sat next to a guy with a squirrel monkey on his shoulder.
The bartender brought me a beer and asked if I’d sing a song, so I went to the piano and started playing.
That’s when the guy’s monkey dipped his butt in my glass of suds.
The bartender came over and asked, “Do you know the monkey’s nuts are in your beer?”
I said, “No…”
“But if you hum a few bars, I’m sure I could fake it!”
***********
Last night I watched a Netflix documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I've ever seen.
***********
Autocorrect can be your best friend.
Or your worst enema.
***********
My roommate asked me to move out because of my incessant puns about South American farm animals.
I said, "Alpaca my bags."
***********
I was in the airport at baggage claim today when a man suddenly collapsed on the luggage carousel...
But he slowly came around.
***********
Italian airline Alitalia went bankrupt and General Motors stepped in and bought the company.
The new airline will be called...
Genitalia.
***********
I was at the beach and limped into an ice cream store leaning on my cane.
I ordered an ice cream cone and the guy asked me, “Crushed nuts?”
I replied, “No, broken leg.”
***********
I got a call from a director who asked me to play the part of Brutus in an upcoming movie about Julius Caesar.
I told him I'd take a stab at it.
***********
My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet to get him checked out.
No word yet.
***********
My great-aunt just turned 92 and doesn't even use glasses.
That's right.
She drinks straight out of the bottle!
************
A woman stood before a judge, accused of hitting her boyfriend with a guitar.
The judge asked, “First offender?”
She said, “No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
***********
I have a pet squirrel who loves watching TV.
His favorite channel is Nutflix.
***********
I finally found out where Extra Virgin olive oil comes from.
It comes from the Extra Virgin Islands.
***********
My mother once told me, never marry a tennis player.
Because love means nothing to them!
***********
My family always prays before dinner.
I didn’t think my cooking was that bad!
***********
My New Year’s Resolution is to build a wall made of Velcro.
And I’m sticking to it!
***********
And that's it! The Best of the Worst Jokes.
Keep smiling, Slim People.
And keep in touch.
Happy New Year!
It's all about love.
Who loves ya?
Uncle Slimmy
PS: Here's a YouTube video of my recipe for chicken pot pie. Except there's no chicken! I had some leftover ham and turkey so I substituted a cup of each. Delizioso! She's a-so nice!
Click Here to See the Video
| 
